University  Library 
University  of  California  •  Berkeley 


ALEXANDER  THOMAS  LEONARD,  M.  D. 
15 15  MASONIC  AVENUE 

San  Francisco          1 7         California 


PETER     PETROFF 


DEPOSITIONS 


OF 


P.   PETROFP 


VETERAN    OF    THE    WAR    FOR    THE    UNION 


SAN  FRANCISCO 

PEESS  OF  THOS.  J.  DAVIS 

523  MARKET  STREET 

1895 


INTRODUCTION 


Mr.  Peter  Petroff  died  in  Oakland,  June  1,  1894,  aged  68 
years.  He  was  a  member  of  the  Garfield  Post,  Grand  Army. 
Fitting  funeral  services  were  held  at  their  hall  in  this  city, 
and  the  burial  was  on  June  5th,  in  the  Soldiers'  Cemetery  at 
the  Presidio.  The  testimony  of  his  commanding  officer  in  the 
war  was,  "His  character  was  excellent."  "None  was  more  faith 
ful,  trustworthy  and  brave  on  the  field  of  battle."  A  gentle 
man  in  New  Haven,  in  whose  employ  he  was  about  ten  years 
immediately  after  the  war,  said:  "Mr.  Petroff  I  believe  to  be 
one  of  nature's  born  gentlemen,  of  unexcelled  faithfulness  and 
integrity  in  every  respect."  And  such  was-  his  character  in 
this  city  and  up  to  the  time  of  his  death.  His  bearing  was 
military;  he  was  a  great  reader;  he  thought  much  upon  the  so 
cial  questions  of  the  day,  and  wrote  and  published  some  very 
good  articles.  He  lived  quietly  on  his  pension  for  years.  His 
left  arm  was  amputated  near  the  shoulder,  and  his  health  was 
not  good.  With  means  placed  at  my  disposal,  and  ac 
cording  to  promise,  I  publish  his  manuscript,  left  to  my 
care,  and  only  to  be  read  after  his  death.  His  imperfect  Eng 
lish  is  given  nearly  as  he  wrote  it.  He  particularly  requested 
this,  possibly  fearing  to  cause  his  friend  trouble,  and  that  by 
the  changes  made  the  sense  would  be  obscured.  Whatever  the 
faults  of  the  grammatical  construction,  the  meaning  is  in  almost 
every  place  quite  plain.  Each  reader  must  judge  for  himself 
as  to  the  weight  he  will  give  to  the  "visions"  of  our  brother. 
Whatever  he  saw  or  thought  he  saw,  he  was  a  noble  Christian 
man,  a  soldier  of  the  cross.  He  has  been  mustered  out  from 
the  Grand  Army  here,  and  has  gone  to  join  the  infinitely  more 
glorious  army  above,  of  whom  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ  is  Cap 
tain.  J.  K. 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  December,  1894. 


I  deem  it  to  be  expedient  and  necessary  to  say  at  the  start, 
as  preface,  that  these  writings  are,  in  no  ways,  intended  to 
serve  as  an  autobiography  of  my  life;  but  are  done  solely  for 
the  transmission  to  the  world  of  the  after-described  Visions  I 
have  had ;  and  with  exclusive  desire  and  hope  that  my  fellow- 
men  who  will  have  the  opportunity  to  read  these  Ante-mortem 
Depositions  may  profit  by  them,  and  be  strengthened  in  belief 
in  the  Word  of  God — the  Sacred  Scriptures — as  also  in  the 
faith  of  our  Saviour  Jesus  Christ,  and  be  thereby  moved  to 
render  due  obedience  to  his  teachings  and  commandments  as 
they  are  ingrafted  and  handed  over  to  us  in  the  four  Gospels 
and  the  Acts  of  the  Apostles. 

As  these  ante-mortem  depositions  will  be  read  only  then, 
when  I  have  passed  away  from  among  the  living  beings  on  this 
earth,  so  they — the  Depositions — may  be  reasonably  and  prop 
erly  considered  as  a  voice  from  the  other,  that  is  the  spiritual, 
world. 

Now,  is  there  any  person  among  the  professed  believers  in 
God  and  the  Bible  that  could  assert  any  doubt  in  the  truthful 
ness  of  the  after-described  Visions,  or  consider  them  as  fic 
tions  or  imaginations  of  some  diseased  mental  faculties,  seeing 
that  they  come,  as  it  were,  from  out  the  grave  ?  God  be  merci 
ful  to  such  a  being  I  I  cannot  help  him ;  but  his  doubt  or  un 
belief  will  surely  be  injurious  to  him.  And  his  folly  he  will 
perceive  only  then,  when  it  will  be  too  late  for  him  to  mend  it 
or  repair.  As  regards  the  writer  of  this,  he  can  only,  and  does, 
solemnly  assure  every  one  on  earth  that  he  saw  the  Visions,  as 
they  are  described  in  the  Depositions,  in  full  mental  power,  in 


vi  PREFACE 

full  daylight,  and  in  full  rational  consciousness,  as  he  was  fully 
aware  about  all  surroundings  and  circumstances  which  were  at 
that  time  under  the  sweep  of  his  natural  eye.  And  the  visions 
themselves,  as  also  the  other  objects — to  that  time  under  his 
eye — are  all  perfectly  preserved  in  his  memory  till  the  very 
present  day,  although  over  twenty-two  years  passed  since  he 
saw  the  first  and  most  sublime  of  them.  And  he  sees  them, 
the  visions,  mentally  clear  till  the  present  day,  and  remembers 
all  the  surroundings  and  attendant  circumstances  as  clearly 
and  vividly  now  as  if  he  saw  them  a  few  days  or  a  month  ago ; 
although  but  a  very -few  circumstances  of  his  life  not  connected 
with  the  visions  are  remaining  in  his  memory,  even  so  far  that 
he  can  but  very  little  remember  of  the  various  circumstances 
of  his  life.  But  the  Visions  and  all  the  circumstances  of  the 
respective  times  when  he  beheld  the  visions  are  all  vividly  be 
fore  his  mental  eye  till  now. 

It  is  natural  to  expect  that,  with  many  a  thinking  reader, 
the  question  will  be  raised.  Why  these  Visions,  obviously  so 
sublime  and  significant,  were  not  given  to  the  world  by  the 
writer  of  this  during  his  life  on  earth,  and  not,  as  he  has  done, 
after  his  passing  away  from  the  earth  ?  The  answer  and  full 
explanation  of  the  various  reasons  to  that,  the  reader  will  find 
in  the  proper  places  of  the  "Depositions"  themselves.  And, 
as  it  was  said  before,  the  ''Depositions''  are  not  to  constitute  an 
autobiography  of  the  writer  of  them ;  so  I  shall  confine  myself 
to  the  limits  of  mentioning  only  such  events  as  are  necessary 
to  the  better  explanation  of  the  Fiswws,  as  also  describing 
more  fully  the  events  connected  with  the  Vufioms  themselves. 

This  I  deem  to  be  sufficient  as  a  preliminary  introduction. 
Therefore,  with  the  help  of  our  Lord  and  Saviour,  I  will  pro 
ceed  with  the  "Depositions"'  themselves,  saying,  "Thy  will  be 
done,  Our  Lord  God  and  Saviour  Jesus  Christ.  In  the  name 
of  the  Father  and  of  the  Son  and  of  the  Holy  Ghost.  Amen." 

PETER  PETROFF. 


Depositions 


CHAPTER  I 

I  was  born  on  the  14th  of  February,  1826;  brought  up 
and  educated  in  St.  Petersburg,  Russia.  Hence,  at  the  present, 
the  time  of  writing  these  Depositions  (1886),  I  am  in  the  sixty- 
first  year  of  my  age. 

This  particular,  by  the  way,  may  serve  to  convince  any 
doubtful  reader  in  the  truthfulness  of  these  "Depositions"  ;  as, 
at  this  advanced  age  of  life,  it  is  presumable  that  any  rational 
man  ought  to  know  better  than  to  write  a  fiction,  and  ascribe 
to  it  the  solemn  truth  of  being  "Ante-mortem  Depositions." 

In  1862,  traveling  through  Europe,  and,  being  in  England, 
I  accidentally  became  acquainted  with  a  young  officer  (first 
lieutenant)  of  the  Austrian  army  by  the  name  of  Puffer,  who  re 
signed  his  commission  in  the  Austrian  service,  with  the  purpose 
of  going  to  America  with  intention  to  join  the  Northern  army 
in  the  war  for  the  preservation  of  the  Union  of  States  against 
the  Southern  Confederacy  of  dissolution.  And  for  this  pur 
pose  he  had  provided  himself  with  several  letters  of  introduc 
tion  and  recommendation,  written  by  some  eminent  men  of  his 
country  to  several  generals  of  German  nationality,  who  already 
became  distinguished  in  the  Northern  army  of  America,  as 
Generals  Siegel,  Warner,  Heintzelman,  Schurz,  etc.  Showing 
these  to  me,  he  pressed  upon  my  mind  most  earnestly  to  ac 
company  him  to  America,  promising  to  use  the  letters  in  pro 
moting  my  interests  as  well  as  his  own.  On  my  remark  that 


8  GOES   TO    NEW    YORK 

in  the  United  States  the  national  language  is  English — but  I 
never  studied  that  language,  and  do  not  know  it  at  all— he 
answered  that  precisely  the  same  case  is  with  him.  And  that 
was  true,  as  we  always  helped  ourselves  through  by  means  of 
either  the  German  or  the  French  languages.  But  we  were  as 
sured  both  by  word  and  in  some  measure  by  the  newspaper 
press,  that  in  the  Northern  army  of  the  United  States  there  were 
military  organizations  composed  entirely  of  Germans,  with 
some  mixtures  of  French  and  Irish ;  and  these  German  troop- 
bodies  (even  full  regiments)  were  officered  with  German  officers, 
and  had  the  commands,  and  everything  else,  in  the  German  lan 
guage.  Thus  it  would  be  a  comparatively  easy  task  for  us  to 
establish  ourselves  properly. 

Being  entirely  independent,  and  free  10  choose  my  ways  and 
actions,  I  consented  to  go  with  him  to  America,  and  told  him 
right  off  that  I  go  solely  for  the  purpose  of  entering  the  North 
ern  army ;  and,  as  he  was  provided  with  so  many  recommenda 
tions,  I  expect  him  to  be  of  some  help  to  me,  which  he  readily 
promised.  So,  taking  passage  on  the  steamer  City  of  Baltimore, 
we  embarked  from  Liverpool  for  New  York. 

After  several  days  of  our  tour  across  the  Atlantic  (which, 
in  all,  lasted  nearly  ten  days),  my  companion  (Puffer)  informed 
me  that  he  made  acquaintance  with  a  person  on  board  the 
steamer  who  is  an  agent  of  the  Southern  Confederate  Govern 
ment,  by  which  government  he  wasxsent  to  Europe  for  finding 
volunteers  for  the  Southern  army,  and  who  was  now  returning 
from  Europe.  Further,  he  informed  me  that  this  agent,  hav 
ing  learned  from  my  companion  that  we — Puffer  and  I — were 
going  to  America  with  the  positive  intention  to  join  the  North 
ern  army,  was  trying  hard  to  divert  him  from  this,  assuring 
him  that  the  Northern  States  will  surely  be  beaten,  and  the 
Southern  Confederacy  established,  advising  him  better  to  join 
the  Southern  army.  Further  on  he  asked  my  companion  to 
consult  with  me  about  that;  and  if  we  both  consent  to  go  into 


IN    NEW    YORK  9 

the  Southern  army,  he  invites  us  to  accompany  him  to  his 
home  in  Philadelphia,  Penn.,  from  whence  he  was;  and  that,  as 
soon  as  we  have  signed  the  requisite  papers  we  will  receive  a 
bounty  of  $500  each  of  us;  maybe  still  more,  but  he  can  guaran 
tee  only  $500  to  each  of  us;  in  this  we  can  be  sure. 

Learning  all  these,  and  many  more  particulars  about  that 
case  from  Puffer,  I  told  him  at  once,  and  with  positive  under 
standing,  that  he  is  at  full  liberty  to  go  where  he  pleases,  and 
do  what  he  thinks  to  be  the  best  for  him;  that  is,  to  join  the 
Northern  or  the  Southern  army;  but,  what  regards  my  own 
self,  I  never  will  go  into  the  Southern  army,  even  if  I  would 
be  offered  five  thousand  instead  of  fiue  hundred  dollars  for  that; 
moreover,  as  he  perfectly  knows  himself  that  I  started  from 
England  for  America  with  the  sole  purpose  of  joining  the 
Northern  army,  as  the  cause  of  the  North  side  is  the  just  and 
right  one,  and  that  of  the  South  side  is  wrong  and  unjust,  I 
never  and  never  would  start  from  Europe  with  an  aim  to  join 
the  Southern  Army.  Therefore,  I  ask  him  to  inform  that  agent 
about  my  opinions  and  positive  intentions;  and,  as  to  his  own 
self,  to  act  as  he  finds  it  better  for  him.  To  which  Puffer  an 
swered  that  his  opinions,  nearly  in  everything,  coincide  with 
mine  views,  and  he  has  partly  expressed  them  to  that  man  al 
ready;  but  now,  knowing  mine  positive  opinions  and  resolution, 
he  will  tell  him  everything  straight  out,  and  will  decline  all 
his  offered  gifts  and  assistances.  He  afterwards  pointed  to  me 
the  agent,  but  I  never  made  any  acquaintance,  nor  spoke  one 
word  to  him. 

So,  arriving  in  New  York,  we  rented  rooms  in  a  hotel  on 
Greenwich  street  (do  not  remember  the  name  of  the  hotel). 
One  morning,  about  three  or  four  days  after  our  arrival,  I  be 
ing  not  quite  well,  Puffer  went  out  alone  to  ascertain,  if  possible, 
where  about  he  could  find  some  of  the  persons  to  whom  he  had 
the  letters  of  recommendation,  and  did  not  come  back,  and 
since  which  morning  I  never  saw  him  again.  But,  on  the 


10  IN    JJEVV    YORK 

morning  of  the  third  day  (as  far  as  I  can  remember)  after  his 
disappearance,  a  police  officer  brought  into  the  hotel  a  note, 
written  in  German  upon  a  small  bit  of  paper,  addressed  to  me 
and  signed,  as  well  as  written,  by  Puffer,  in  which  Puffer  noti 
fied  me  that,  after  leaving  hotel,  he  went  around  inquiring  for 
information  about  those  generals  to  whom  he  had  letters,  and, 
naturally,  did  so  mostly  with  military  officers  who  were  on 
recruiting  service  in  New  York  city. 

Thus  he  chanced  to  fall  in  with  some  officers  who  knew 
either  German  or  French  languages  (some  of  them  being  from 
Europe)  ;  and  they  informed  him  that  all  the  generals  to  whom 
he  held  letters  of  recommendation  are  either  in  the  field  with 
the  active  army,  or  in  the  city  of  Washington,  and  none  of 
them  can  be  found  in  New  York.  And.  therefore,  they  advised 
him  to  enlist  right  off,  and  go  to  the  field  without  delay  or  loss 
of  time.  So,  upon  their  advice,  he  enlisted  right  away,  and 
has  been  transported  several  miles  out  of  New  York  city  limits, 
where  that  regiment  is  being  formed. 

After  describing  the  above  circumstances,  he  earnestly 
urged  me  to  come  out  to  see  him,  as  he  ever  so  much  desired  to 
see  me,  but  is  not  permitted  to  leave  the  camp,  where  they  are 
kept  more  like  military  prisoners  than  free  volunteer  soldiers, 
because  too  many  who  are  permitted  to  leave  the  camp  do  not 
return  at  all.  Therefore,  as  we  came  together  to  America  with 
the  intention  to  serve  together,  he  earnestly  entreats  me  to 
come  out  into  the  camp  to  see  him,  and  he  is  pretty  sure  that 
once  being  there  I  will  enlist  also,  and  then  we  will  be  together. 
The  same  day  I  went  out  to  look  for  that  camp,  and  was,  by 
some  German,  directed  to  take  a  certain  horse-car  and  go  so- 
and-so  far,  then  take  another  car,  and  finally  a  third  one;  after 
which  car  has  stopped  for  return  trip  to  get  out  of  it  and  in 
quire  for  the  camp  of  that  regiment  (the  names  neither  of  the 
place  nor  the  regiment  can  I  remember),  which  I  did;  but,  as  I 
could  not  speak  English,  and  outside  the  city  it  was  far  harder 


IN    NEW    YORK  11 

to  find  a  person  who  understood  any  other  language  besides 
English;  so,  notwithstanding  my  all-day  wanderings,  I  could 
not  find  the  camp,  and  had  to  return  to  New  York  without 
having  seen  Puffer,  and  never  have  met  him  anywhere  after 
wards  ;  as  also  do  not  know  at  all  if  he  is  alive  or  not  at  the 
present  time. 

I  deem  it  proper  to  say  here  that  I  went  into  this  exten 
sive  description  of  particulars  for  two  causes: 

1.  Because  they  bear  more  or  less  upon  the  circumstances 
which  attended  the  principal  vision;  and — 

2.  If  Puffer  is  yet  in  this  world,  and  he  will  have  the  op 
portunity  to  read  these  "Depositions,"  he  surely  will  remember 
much  of  that  which  I  have  here  described,  and  will  testify  the 
truthfulness  of  the  above  statements  in   memory  of  his  old 
friend,  "Dear  Russia,"  as  he  so  many  times  called  the  writer  of 
this;  certainly  as  far  as  he  was  concerned,  being  a  part  in  the 
different  events  till  we  had  separated  after  his  departure  from 
the  hotel. 

A  few  days  later  I  fell  in  with  mine  nephew  (son  of  mine 
sister),  who  came  to  America  some  months  before  me  from 
Zurich,  Switzerland,  where  he  was  educated  in  the  School  of 
Polytechnics,  but  born  in  St.  Petersburg,  Russia.  Asa  young 
man,  speaking  several  languages,  and  especially  knowing  some 
of  the  English  language,  he  had  formed  already  many  acquaint 
ances  among  young  people  in  New  York,  and  was  desirous,  too, 
with  some  other  young  men,  to  join  the  Union  army,  which 
circumstance  was  very  agreeable  to  me,  as  I  did  not  know  the 
English  language  at  all. 

Shortly  after  this  we  fell  into  the  hands  of  another  age^t 
who  was  from  Connecticut,  and  gathered  in  New  York  city  re 
cruits  for  the  State  of  Connecticut.  He  spoke  several  lan 
guages,  and  was  very  useful  to  us.  This  agent  informed  us 
that  in  New  Haven,  Conn.,  there  are  many  companies,  if  not 
full  regiments,  composed  mostly  of  Germans,  and  commanded 


12  CORPORAL 

by  officers  of  German  nationality;  hence,  induced  us  to  go  with 
him  to  New  Haven,  Conn.,  where  he  will  find  for  us  the  most 
suitable  regiment.  So  I  and  mine  nephew,  and  several  others 
(nine  men  in  all),  came  with  this  agent  to  New  Haven,  Conn., 
where  shortly  after  we  enlisted,  but  not  under  assistance  of 
that  agent,  as  he  left  us  the  next  day  after  our  arrival.  And, 
after  signing  some  papers,  the  contents  of  which  we  never  knew, 
I,  with  mine  nephew,  were  dispatched  to  Fort  Trumbull,  New 
London,  Conn,,  and  the  others  had  to  go  somewhere  else. 

In  Fort  Trumbull  was  the  headquarters  of  the  14th  United 
States  Infantry  (regulars),  and  also  a  place  for  gathering  re 
cruits  for  that  volunteer  regiment  into  which  we  have  enlisted. 
So,  after  passing  one  month  in  the  Fort  in  drilling  and  guard- 
duty,  I  applied  for  a  three  days'  furlough  to  go  to  New  Haven 
for  making  settlements,  if  there  were  any  debts  against  me. 
And  in  the  night  of  the  third  day,  having  come  back  to  the 
Fort,  and  reporting  myself  in  the  guard-house  for  returning 
the  furlough,  I  was  laughed  at  and  congratulated  as  a  corporal. 

Not  knowing  anything  more  about  it,  I  presumed  it  to  be 
a  joke  or  a  sneer.  But  the  next  morning  our  orderly  sergeant 
(a  Prussian  who  many  years  served  in  Prussia  and  also  in 
French  service,  and  who  spoke  German  and  French  tolerably 
well)  came  to  and  informed  me  that  the  Post-Commander, 
Major  Williams,  who  did  give  me  the  furlough,  told  him  after 
my  departure  on  furlough  that  he  does  not  expect  to  see  me  in 
the  Fort  again;  but  if  I  should  return  he  will  promote  me  to  a 
corporal.  So  that  morning,  having  reported  to  him  my  return, 
he  received  the  order  to  place  my  name  upon  the  list  of  cor 
porals  in  his  book  of  report;  therefore,  I  must  let  the  post 
tailor  put  the  proper  chevrons  on  my  uniform. 

Being  entirely  ignorant  in  the  English  language — as  I 
could  not  speak  even  five  words  in  English,  and  even  could  not 
understand  much  more  if  told  by  another — I  remonstrated 
with  the  sergeant  most  earnestly,  telling  him  that  I  cannot  ac- 


TRANSFERRED  13 

cept  this  promotion,  as  the  duty  of  a  corporal  is,  among  others, 
to  place  the  sentinels  on  their  proper  posts,  and  thereby,  and 
at  that  time,  to  give  them  all  the  orders  which  they  have  to 
perform  and  carry  out  on  their  posts  of  duty;  as  also,  at  the 
time  of  changing  the  sentinels,  to  listen  and  mark  closely  that 
the  relieved  sentry  should  turn  over  all  the  orders  to  the  in 
coming  one — all  of  which  I  was  utterly  incapable  to  perform 
because  I  do  not  understand  the  necessary  language,  which  is  al 
most  equivalent  to  being  deaf  and  dumb.  But  the  sergeant 
insisted,  saying  that  the  refusal  to  accept  the  promotion  would 
be  insulting  to  Major  Williams,  who  said  that  he  cannot  suffer 
to  see  Petroff  standing  as  a  sentinel  on  guard;  and,  therefore,  I 
accepted  it,  and  became  a  corporal. 

Now  it  was  exceedingly  hard  for  me  to  perform  my  duties 
without  being  able  to  understand  what  any  man  standing 
above  me  in  rank  would  have  told  me  to  do;  so,  having  become 
a  non-commissioned  officer — a  corporal — it  fell  upon  me  still 
harder  to  perform  my  duties,  as  I  had  to  receive  orders 
from  my  superiors,  or  those  in  temporary  authority  over  me,  and 
transmit  the  orders  correctly  to  those  under  me  as  privates  and 
sentinels  on  guard-duty — all  of  which  I  was  utterly  unable 
properly  to  perform.  And,  in  consequence  of  which,  instead  of 
escaping  the  constant  abuse  and  insult  from  ill-disposed  com 
rades,  I  became  merely  a  laughing-stock  for  all  such  who  chose 
to  have  some  fun  at  my  expense;  and  only  God  knows  how 
many  there  were  for  this  purpose.  And  it  did  not  stop  here, 
but  went  further;  from  joking,  sneering  and  laughing  at  me, 
many  went  so  far  as  to  do  personal  injury  to  me  by  insulting 
and  plaguing  me  in  every  possible  way,  as  I  was  entirely  un 
able,  on  account  of  my  ignorance  of  English,  to  defend  myself. 

In  December,  1862,  in  consequence  of  a  proposal  and  de 
sire  of  Major  Williams,  I  was  transferred  from  that  volunteer 
regiment,  into  which  I  was  enlisted,  into  the  14th  United  States 
Infantry  (regular),  to  which  Major  Williams  belonged,  and  the 


14  TO    THE    FRONT 

headquarters  of  which  were  in  Fort  Trumbull;  presuming 
that,  as  in  regular  service  there  is  more  of  proper  order  and 
military  discipline,  I  would  escape  from  the  constant  and  fre 
quently  almost  unbearable  annoyance,  plague  and  insult  to 
which  I  was  exposed  among  the  volunteers.  But  in  this  ex 
pectation  I  was  sorely  disappointed,  though  in  regular  service 
I  found  more  strict  military  discipline  and  more  proper  order; 
but  these  very  conditions  made  my  ignorance  of  English 
harder  to  bear  on  me.  And  the  annoyances  did  not  cease,  but 
rather  were  augmented  from  the  side  of  the  volunteers,  which 
regiment  1  left  by  transfer.  And  it  went  so  far  that  not  in 
frequently  I  was  informed  by  some  one  or  another  that  I  was 
calumniated,  and  falsely  accused  or  misrepresented  before  Major 
Williams  and  other  officers;  but,  as  I  ever  abhorred  and  de 
spised  the  feeling  or  practice  of  revenge  or  retaliation,  and,  at 
the  same  time,  was  utterly  unable  to  defend  myself  with  the 
tongue,  I  was  obliged  to  bear  all  that  in  silence,  which  was 
sometimes  but  too  hard  to  endure.  So  I  concluded  at  the  first 
opportunity,  when  the  next  party  of  recruits  are  sent  into  the 
field,  to  express  my  wish  to  go  to  the  front  for  further  service- 
This  opportunity  presented  itself  very  soon,  and  I  was  sent, 
with  many  others,  to  the  field,  and  joined  my  regiment  in  the 
Army  of  the  Potomac,  which  was  in  camp  on  the  river  Rap- 
pahannock  in  Virginia. 

In  the  very  first  days,  after  coming  to  our  Regiment,  I 
became  fully  aware  that  the  hardships  from  my  ignorance  of 
the  English  language  were  but  really  in  the  beginning,  as  to 
my  experience  at  the  Fort  Trumbull.  Although  I  was  assign 
ed  to  a  Company  which  contained  many  Germans,  and  was 
commanded  by  Captain  Ilges,  a  German  from  Prussia  (a  very 
kind  man  and  a  splendid  soldier,  who  served  during  the  whole 
time  of  the  war  in  the  field,  participated  in  more  than  eighty 
battles  and  engagements,  and  was  afterwards  promoted  to  Col 
onelcy  in  the  Regular  Army) ;  but,  at  every  turn  and  at  every 


TO    THE    FRONT  15 

step  and  action  I  needed  the  language  that  I  did  not  possess. 
And  this  fact  caused  me  to  feel  but  too  keenly  and  deeply  the 
misery  of  my  almost  helpless  condition. 

Knowing  but  too  well  how  severe  and  inexorable  the  mili 
tary  laws  are,  even  in  time  of  peace,  but  incomparably  more  so 
in  time  of  war — and  especially  in  the  field  before  the  enemy — 
my  ignorance  of  English  stood  constantly  like  a  specter  before 
my  mental  eyes,  causing  me  to  feel  like  being  constantly  in  hot 
water  through  fear  of  possible  falling  into  a  serious  blunder  or 
mistake  through  misunderstanding  of  orders  given  to  me  in 
English.  And,  till  the  very  present  day,  it  is  to  me  like  a 
great  miracle  that  the  time  passed  on,  and  I  was,  at  least  com 
paratively,  able  to  perform  all  my  duties — as  good  as  I  could 
and  understood — in  spite  of  such  horrible  drawbacks  as  I  had 
on  account  of  English  language.  And  I  cannot  but  openly 
confess  and  acknowledge  that  it  is  only  the  Blessed  Saviour  of 
mankind,  in  whom  I  always  believed,  and  whose  gospel  teach 
ings  I  strived  to  obey  as  far  as  I  understood  them,  and  as  far 
as  it  was  possible  for  me  to  do  so;  He  is  it  that  carried  me 
through  all  those  horrible  difficulties  which  I  had  to  encoun 
ter  every  day  and  hour,  and  which,  to  describe,  I  am  utterly 
unable.  But,  as  an  example,  I  will  here  present  one  very 
grave  and  highly  responsible  position,  into  which  I  was  com 
pelled  to  plunge  in,  the  very  first  time  after  coming  to  the  the 
ater  of  hostilities. 

Shortly  after  my  arrival,  the  Army  of  the  Potomac  re 
ceived  the  orders  to  strike  the  tents  and  break  up  the  camp; 
and  be  ready  for  march  at  a  moment's  notice;  and  the  very 
same  day  the  whole  Army  was  in  moving,  where  to  we  did  not 
know.  After  a  whole  day's  marching — and  a  brisk,  too — 
about  nine  o'clock,  evening,  we  made  a  halt  for  night's  rest, 
and  the  orders  were  given  to  pitch  the  tents.  But.  as  soon 
as  the  tents  were  about  finished,  there  came  an  order  for  our 
regiment  to  go  on  picket  duty,  and  the  tents  had  to  be  torn 


16  IGNORANCE    OF    ENGLISH 

down  and  packed  up  to  the  knapsacks  in  post  haste;  and  in 
less  than  fifteen  minutes  we  were  marching  on  again,  extend 
ing  the  picket  line  around  our  Division  (2d  Div.  5th  Army 
Corps).  Now,  every  man  acquainted  with  military  service 
knows  full  well  that  by  drawing  out  a  picket  line,  for  every 
three  separate  sentinels  one  non-commissioned  officer  (Sar- 
geant  or  Corporal)  is  given,  who  takes  the  charge  over  the  re 
spective  three  posts ;  and  all  men  are  taken  always  from  the 
last  files,  or  from  extreme  tail  of  the  column  And,  as  the 
picket  column  moves  onward,  and  the  last  men  are  con 
stantly  falling  out  for  taking  their  posts  in  the  picket  line,  the 
column  itself  grows  gradually  smaller  and  smaller. 

Now,  I  was  in  the  very  first  file  of  the  column,  and  march 
ed  just  behind  the  horse  of  the  field-officer  who  extended  the 
picket  line.  Moving  slowly  forward,  we  began  dimly  to  dis 
cern,  not  far  off,  a  large  farmhouse  with  lights  in  some  win 
dows,  and  then  came  the  order  to  "halt."  After  bringing  the 
musket  to  the  foot,  the  field  officer  began  to  give  orders  and 
arrangements  in  a  low  and  suppressed  voice,  the  meaning  and 
contents  of  which  I  could  not  in  the  least  understand;  and 
after  that  he  called  for  non-commissioned  officers  to  step  out 
of  the  ranks  and  advance  to  him.  He  called  several  times,  but 
none  came  forward,  and  upon  his  inquiry — if  there  were  no 
sergeants  or  corporals  in  the  rear — the  answer  came  from  some 
one  that  there  were  none  at  all. 

On  my  left  side  marched  with  me  a  Pennsylvanian  Ger 
man,  who  translated  to  me  in  a  low  voice  what  the  picket- 
commander  spoke,  and  that  there  were  no  other  non-commis 
sioned  officers  present  besides  me.  Therefore,  I  stepped  out 
the  ranks  a  few  steps  toward  the  officer's  horse  and  saluted  the 
commander.  As  it  was  a  very  cloudy  and  dark  night  he 
stooped  down  in  his  saddle  to  see  my  face  (probably  wonder 
ing  that  I  did  not  step  out  at  once  after  his  calling  for,  or  that 
I  did  not  speak  a  word).  But,  recognizing  me,  he  exclaimed, 


IGNORANCE  OF  ENGLISH  17 

"Is  that  you,  Corporal?"  to  which  I  answered,  "Yes,  sir." 
(The  very  one  answer  I  was  able  to  give  on  any  and  every  oc 
casion,  without  knowing  or  being  sure  that  the  answer  is  cor 
rect  or  incorrect.)  Upon  that  he  asked  again  if  there  were  no 
other  non-commissioned  officers,  and  received  the  answer  that 
there  were  none.  So  he  scratched  his  head  behind  and  began 
to  give  me  his  orders.  Now,  to  this  time  of  my  being  in  the 
service  I  began  to  understand  a  few  words  or  sentences,  if  they 
were  told  to  me  slowly  and  clearly,  but  could  not,  by 
any  means,  reply,  or  express  myself  when  I  did  not  under 
stand.  Knowing  my  ignorance  in  English,  he  was  thoughtful 
enough  to  speak  to  me  very  slowly,  and  as  clearly,  I  suppose, 
as  he  could;  but,  nevertheless,  I  surely  succeeded  to  grasp  and 
understand  not  more,  if  not  less,  than  one  word  out  of  ten. 
As  he  knew  me  (although  I  could  not  recognize  him  or  remem 
ber  having  seen  him  before),  and  as  I  was  dumb  like  an  oys 
ter,  he  called  for  some  man'  to  come  out  who  could  speak  any 
other  language  besides  English;  and  there  came  forward'  that 
Pennsylvanian  who  marched  with  me  in  our  ranks,  and  he 
translated  to  me  in  German  the  orders  of  the  commander, 
which  were:  That  the  remaining  men  shall  constitute  the 
picket  reserve,  and  I  shall  take  charge  of  them,  take  them  to  a 
place  which  he  pointed  out  to  me  in  the  direction  to  the  farm 
house,  count  them  up,  and  keep  them  together  till  further  or 
ders.  And  especially  be  in  vigilant  lookout,  and  be  in  con 
stant  readiness  for  action,  as  the  scouts  reported  that  certain 
bands  of  rebel-guerrillas  are  prowling  around. 

So,  taking  the  men  to  the  assigned  place,  and  forming 
them  into  line;  I  found  the  squad  to  be  of  forty- eight  men; 
and,  with  the  exception  of  four  men,  all  could  not  understand 
any  other  language  besides  English.  Three  could  understand 
German  and  one  French,  but  being  from  Canada  his  French  I 
could  not  understand.  Now,  just  in  the  progress  of  counting 
the  men,  there  came  a  fearful  ^ainstorm,  a  rain  that  only  a 


18  ON    PICKET 

Virginia  cloud  can  furnish.  So,  in  haste,  giving,  through  my 
Pennsylvania  friend  translator,  the  necessary  orders  to  keep  to 
gether  and  not  to  take  off  the  knapsacks  or  accoutrements  (as, 
at  any  moment,  we  may  be  ordered  to  fall  in),  but  seek  shelter 
from  rain,  as  good  as  they  could,  under  trees  and  bushes,  and 
be  especially  careful  to  preserve  the  loaded  muskets  and  am 
munition  in  cartridge  boxes  from  becoming  wet,  and  to 
keep  and  remain  all  together,  I  broke  the  ranks,  keeping  the 
translator  close  by  me  for  any  emergency.  After  twelve  o'clock 
the  clouds  began  to  break  asunder,  and  there  came  a  glorious 
full  moon  to  cheer  us  up.  Shortly  after  came  the  field  officer 
to  see  us ;  and,  among  other  things,  ordered  to  detail  three  men 
from  my  squad  to  be  placed  as  sentinels  around  the  farmhouse, 
where  was  the  headquarters  (division  or  brigade,  I  cannot  re 
member),  saying  that  it  was  again  reported  that  rebel  guerrilla 
bands  are  marauding  around.  Asl  had  heard  before  his  com 
ing  some  horses'  tramps  not  very  far  from  our  hiding-place, 
and  shortly  afterwards  some  firing  from  different  points  of  our 
picket-line,  I  reported  that  to  the  officer  through  the  trans 
lator.  And  then,  picking  out  the  first-at-hand  three  men,  I 
made  ready  to  execute  his  orders;  but  he,  seeing  my  difficulty 
and  inability  to  give  any  instruction  to  the  sentinels,  and 
probably  to  be  more  sure  for  himself,  took  the  men  with  him 
self,  telling  me  to  remain  with  the  reserve,  and  keep  sharp 
lookout  for  the  guerrillas,  and  especially,  if  anything  suspicious 
or  extraordinary  happens,  to  send  a  report  about  it  instantly 
to  him  at  the  headquaiters.  But,  to  our  good  luck,  the  rest  of 
the  night  passed  peaceably  and  quietly.  And  if  any  man  of 
the  whole  of  our  picket  line  greeted  the  first  break  of  dawn  on 
that  morning  with  a  deep  sense  of  relief  from  fear  and  help 
lessness  it  surely  was  the  commander  in  charge  of  the  picket  re 
serve.  The  experience  of  a  man  in  such  a  condition  can  never 
be  described  or  imparted  by  means  of  words  to  others;  it  is 
known  and  can  be  understood  only  by  such  as  have  been  in 


WITHOUT   SLEEP  19 

similar  conditions  themselves.     I  ask  the  reader  to  consider 
for  a  moment  the  following  items: 

There  were  guerrilla  parties  lurking  around,  and  in  dan 
gerously  close  proximity.  Now,  if  any  of  these  guerrilla  troops 
should  find  out  our  hiding-place,  and  make  a  charge  upon  us  . 
it  would  be  an  easy  task  for  them  to  capture  not  only  all  of  us, 
but  probably  the  headquarters  itself,  if  they  could  bring  up  a 
sufficiently  strong  force.  Then,  in  any  such  emergency  I  would 
be  utterly  incapable  to  bring  the  men  under  my  charge  to  any 
defensible  purpose,  as  I  was  unable  to  give  any  command,  or 
to  make  any  dispositions  necessary  in  such  emergency;  and 
this  on  account  of  mine  ignorance  of  English,  as  to  do  this 
by  means  of  an  interpreter  or  translator  in  such  a  moment 
would  be  worse  than  useless.  But  the  Lord,  Saviour  of 
mankind,  was  the  shield  of  protection;  and  the  night  passed 
without  any  greater  difficulty  for  me  than  the  above  described. 
v\nd  the  next  morning  we  took  in  the  picket  line  and  proceeded 
further.  Such  difficulties,  although  not  in  equally  dangerous 
responsibility,  repeated  themselves  continually  all  the  time, 
and  every  time  when  I  was  obliged  to  perform  duty  on  guard, 
or  on  any  other  detailed  service. 

This  perplexing  helplessness  worked  upon  me  to  such  an 
extent  that  I  gradually  lost  the  possibility  to  sleep;  and  it  came 
so  far  that  I'could  not  sleep  and  rest  throughout  the  whole  of 
even  one  single  night;  but  the  most  nights  I  was  compelled  to 
pass  without  sleeping  at  all,  constantly  trying  to  remember 
more  and  more  words  of  the  English  language  which  I  heard  be 
fore;  and  also  my  helpless  condition  was  constantly  before  my 
mental  eyes.  The  idea  of  falling  into  a  serious  scrape  through 
misunderstanding  of  received  orders  from  mine  superiors,  or 
through  my  ignorance  of  the  language  wrongly  transmitting  the 
received  orders  to  the  sentinels  placed  by  me  on  their  posts — 
that  is,  of  giving  them  orders  erroneously  understood  by  me, 
and  in  such  a  way  as  may  lead  them  to  perform  their  duty 


20  DIFFICULT   DUTY 

contrary  to  the  orders  of  superior  officers,  and  thereby  draw 
upon  myself  a  case  which  may  be  interpreted  far  worse  than 
error  of  ignorance:  this  idea  and  fear  of  consequences  haunt 
ed  me  day  and  night,  and  it  culminated  in  my  losing  sleep 
altogether.  So  that  the  most  nights  I  was  compelled  to  lay 
awake  all  night,  tossing  myself  from  one  side  to  the  other. 

The  sleeplessness  and  almost  entire  absence  of  mental  rest 
— hence,  deprivation  of  physical  rest — drew  upon  me  gravest 
consequences.  I  must  state  here  that  some  time  after  the  bat 
tle  of  Gettysburg,  on  our  return  march  from  Pennsylvania  to 
Virginia,  I  was  detailed  into  the  Provost  Guard  of  the  Second 
Division,  Fifth  Army  Corps,  commanded  by  General  Ayers, 
and  the  commander  of  which  guard  became  Captain  Carpenter 
of  our  regiment,  who  knew  me  well.  As  in  the  Provost  Guard 
non-commissioned  officers  were  but  very  few,  I  had  to  be  on 
guard  once  in  every  three  days,  and  often  every  other  day. 
For  any  other  man,  who  knew  the  English  language,  such  ser 
vice  would  be  easy  and  light  enough ;  but  for  me  it  was  the 
more  hard,  as  it  constantly  required  the  use  of  that  language 
which  I  did  not  possess;  and  in  the  whole  number  of  men  in 
the  Provost  Guard  there  was  but  one  man  who  could  speak 
German;  but  such  German  as  to  understand  him  it  was  for 
me  almost  still  harder  than  to  understand  English;  and  there 
was  none  that  could  understand  French.  In  this  guard  I  re 
mained  the  whole  winter  till  the  last  days  of  April,  1864.  Be 
sides  the  regular  guard  duty  around  the  headquarters,  on  every 
stormy  night  we  had  to  throw  around  our  camp  an  extra  picket 
guard,  as  there  was  always  some  danger  of  being  attacked  by 
rebel  guerrillas.  And  this  came  always  when  there  was  a  heavy 
snowstorm.  This  augmented  my  misery  very  much,  as,  bein^ 
on  such  duty,  with  several  men  under  my  charge,  I  had  to 
place  them  on  their  posts,  give  them  proper  instruction,  and 
that  in  a  whisper;  and,  besides  all  these,  every  night  there 
came  cavalry  patrols  and  different  scouts  close  by  our  camp, 


DIFFICULT  DUTY  21 

and  on  stormy  nights  more  frequently  than  usual.  At  the 
approach  of  every  such  party  I  had  to  challenge  them,  to 
order  them  to  halt,  and  to  give  the  countersign,  in  order  to 
ascertain  if  they  were  friends  or  enemies.  On  every  such 
occasion  I  was  asked  to  give  much  different  information,  as 
to :  How  long  since  and  in  which  direction  the  last  patrol  or 
scout  party  had  passed  by  us  ?  The  precise  location  of  our 
headquarters.  The  approximate  distance  to  the  nearest  regi 
mental  camp.  And  about  the  directions  of  different  roads 
through  the  woods,  etc.,  etc.  Not  to  one  single  question  was  I 
able  to  give  answer;  and  there  were  sometimes  laughable  as 
well  as  pitiable  episodes  at  such  difficult  encounters.  And  it 
must  be  remembered  that  all  this  had  to  be  gone  through  in  a 
blinding  snowstorm,  and  often  in  knee-deep  drifting  snow, 
and  in  darkness  which  prevented  to  recognize  even  the  dress 
of  the  inquirer;  and  still  less  was  it  possible  to  see  anything 
of  the  face  of  him.  And  almost  at  every  such  visit  and  con 
versation,  starting  further  on  their  duty,  they  conversed  and 
laughed  among  themselves;  no  doubt  but  at  the  expense  of 
him  from  whom  they  received  so  much  (?)  valuable  infor 
mation. 

Laboring  under  these  terribly  hard  odds  and  drawbacks, 
and  having  almost  no  rest  at  all — because  if  not  on  guard,  or 
any  other  duty,  I  could  not  sleep  either  in  the  day-time  nor  at 
the  night-time,  as  I  have  stated  above — my  constitution  began 
to  break  down.  And  the  first  evidence  of  my  constitutional 
disorders  manifested  itself  in  my  stomach  and  bowels,  which 
became  so  disordered  that  the  movements  6*f  the  bowels  were 
performed  but  once  in  several  days;  in  fact,  it  came  so  far  as 
to  be  but  once  in  a  week  or  six  days.  And  this  caused  me  to 
suffer  great  pain  in  stomach  and  bowels,  as  also  heaviness  and 
dullness  in  the  head  and  general  weakness  in  the  whole  body, 
shortly  after  which  there  followed  excruciating  cramps  in 
stomach  and  bowels,  and  so  severe  that  it  was  often  almost  im- 


22  SICKNESS 

possible  for  me  to  stand  the  wearing  of  the  belt  with  the  cart 
ridge-box  attached.  At  the  beginning  of  these  trouble  I  vis 
ited  the  doctor  a  few  times  and  received  some  medicines, 
which,  however,  did  not  give  me  much  relief;  but  as  the 
cramps  came  upon  me  oftener — every  other  day,  and  often  ev 
ery  day — and  as  I  was  unable  to  explain  my  troubles  for  the 
doctor  sufficiently  to  understand,  I  ceased  to  go  to  the  doctor. 
in  order  not  to  give  any  suspicion  that  I  was  trying  to  shirk 
the  performance  of  my  duty,  and  left  myself  to  the  mercies  of 
my  Creator  to  effect  the  restoration  of  my  constitution  by 
means  of  my  nature  itself. 

Some  time  after  these  troubles  began,  it  appeared  to  me 
occasionally  that  intermittently  I  lost  my  sound  memory : 
that  is,  it  seemed  to  me  that  sometime*  I  became  entirely  un 
conscious  or  oblivious  to  any  and  everything  of  my  surround 
ings.  At  least  I  was  unable  to  remember  and  give  to  myself 
a  proper  account  of  a  certain  lapse  of  time  just  past.  And 
this  fact  became  the  more  apparent  to  me  in  the  early  spring 
of  1864,  when  we  were  with  the  headquarters,  moving  from 
one  place  to  another,  as  I  always  very  easily  became  heated 
and  profusely  perspired.  So,  starting  from  the  place  of  our 
night  camp,  subsequently  ouring  our  march  I  often  lost  my 
memory  to  such  an  extent  that,  stopping  in  the  next  place — 
after  recovering  my  proper  consciousness — I  was  utterly  un 
able  to  give  an  account  to  my  own  self,  how  long  we  m;uvlu<l 
where  we  passed,  and  what  were  the  objects  observable  on  t In 
line  of  our  marching.  The  conscion  turned  to  me  al 
ways  only  when  we  had  made  a  halt  for  rest,  and  after  I 
had  sufficient  time  to  be  cooled  off  and  stop  the  excessive  per 
spiration.  Then,  all  at  once  becoming  conscious  where  about 
we  were,  and  who  were  around  me;  then  calling  into  memory 
the  last  place  of  our  stopping,  the  time  of  our  starting  on 
the  march,  and  for  some  distance  the  road,  and  some  more  con 
spicuous  objects  passed  by  us  on  the  march;  and  then,  all  at 


SICKNESS  23 

once,  all  became  blank  to  my  memory,  and,  for  my  life,  I 
could  not  remember  where  we  passed  and  where  we  marched. 
But,  by  my  watch  it  was  obvious  that  we  were  several  hours 
moving.  But  the  most  strange  thing  for  me  was  the  fact 
that  not  one  of  my  comrades  who  were  with  me  on  the  Pro 
vost  Guard  duty  at  that  time  have  ever  made  any  allusion  to 
me  that  I  conducted  myself  duriLg  these  times  of  my  mental 
absentness  in  any  way  strange,  uncommon,  or  irrational.  And 
many  a  time  I  was  on  guard  duty  during  our  march,  when  I 
had  the  charge  not  only  over  the  guard  detail,  but  had  to  look 
after  thirty,  sometimes  over  forty,  prisoners,  many  of  whom 
were  under  heavy  charges  and  sentences;  but  never  came  any 
thing  unusual.  Just  one  instance:  After  a  few  hours  of 
marching  and  some  time  of  resting,  becoming  at  once  con 
scious  and  accountable,  I  found  myself  lying  under  a  tree 
with  my  knapsack  under  mine  head,  and  several  others  of  my 
comrades  of  the  guard  lying  and  resting  around  the  same  tree 
in  like  manner  as  myself.  Not  knowing  how  long  we  were 
there,  I  asked  the  nearest  man  how  long  we  were  resting.  He 
looked  at  his  watch,  and  answered,  "About  half  an  hour," 
adding,  with  some  sarcasm:  "Well,  you  were  not  asleep,  and 
ought  to  know  without  asking  how  long  we  were  here  resting." 
Hence,  taking  out  my  watch,  I  saw  that,  from  the  time  of  our 
starting  from  the  last  place  of  our  rest,  nearly  four  hours  elapsed; 
the  most  of  which  time  I  was  utterly  unable  to  account  for,  or 
remember  any  object  we  had  passed  on  the  road,  till  I,  as  it 
were,  awoke  under  the  tree  as  above  stated.  So  it  continued 
and  repeated  itself  every  day,  when  the  headquarters  were 
moved  from  one  place  to  another. 

In  the  last  days  of  April,  1864,  the  division  Provost 
Guard,  which  was  composed  of  details  from  all  the  regiments  of 
regulars  in  that  division,  was  relieved  by  details  from 
the  regiments  of  volunteers,  and  we  were  ordered  to  return  to 
our  respective  regiments  and  report  ourselves  to  our  nearest 


24  SICKNESS 

commanders.  So,  rejoining  our  regiment,  I  reported  myself  to 
mine  company  commander,  Captain  Ilges  (afterwards  Colonel 
U.  S.  Army).  As  Captain  Ilges  was  a  German  (aa  was  stated 
before  in  these  depositions),  and  I  could  converse  with  him  in 
full  mutual  understanding  of  one  another,  so  I  concluded  that 
I  will  wait  a  few  days  and  see  if  my  mental  derangements  will 
continue  as  before;  then  I  will  reveal  it  to  him,  and  ask  him  to , 
communicate  and  explain  all  I  knew  about  my  condition  to 
our  regimental  doctor,  and  ask  the  doctor  either  for  medicine 
or  advice  in  my  troubles.  But  as  far  as  I  can  remember,  the 
very  next  day  after  my  return  to  the  regiment  came  the  gen 
eral  order  to  break  up  the  camp  and  be  ready  for  march  at 
once.  Now,  as  at  every  breaking  up  of  the  camp  and  prepar 
ing  for  march,  every  one  had  more  to  do  than  he  possibly 
could  attend  to,  and  the  commanding  officers  still  more  than 
any  other  person,  there  was  no  time,  neither  opportunity,  to  in 
form  Captain  Ilges,  my  company  commander,  about  my 
troubles.  And,  in  fact,  I  never  told  any  one  about  my  mental 
troubles  and  physical  ailments  of  that  time,  except  once  to 
Captain  Ilges,  when  he  came  to  Fort  Trumbull  for  a  few  days 
after  the  battle  of  the  Weldon  Railroad,  at  which  battle  he  re 
ceived  some  injuries.  And,  being  in  Fort  Trumbull,  he  came 
over  into  the  hospital  to  see  me  and  other  wounded  men  of  his 
company,  at  which  time  mine  arm  was  already  amputated  for 
some  time;  but,  being  very  feeble  and  very  nervous,  I  could 
tell  him  but  very  little,  as  I  could  call  to  memory  but  very 
few  instances.  And  besides  that,  I  was  forbidden  by  the  Post- 
Surgeon,  Dr.  Porter,  to  talk  much;  and,  except  this  instance, 
I  never  told  anybody  about  my  mental  troubles  and  condi 
tion. 

After  the  breaking  of  the  camp  and  starting  on  the  march, 
I  soon  perceived  that  my  mental  troubles  were  increasing. 
The  pain  and  cramps  in  stomach  and  bowels  came  not  so  oft 
en,  especially  being  on  the  march ;  but  instead  of  that,  very  bad 


UNCONSCIOUSNESS  25 

pain  in  the  head,  and  then  the  loss  of  memory  and  the  utter  tem 
poral  unaccountability  became  aggravated,  at  times  so  much 
so  that  the  most  time  I  was  like  in  a  trance,  or  in  some  kind 
of  somnambulism,  not  being  able  at  such  times  to  account  ra 
tionally,  or  remember  where  I  was  and  what  I  had  been  do 
ing.  Some  moments,  or  short  spaces  of  time,  I  could  remem 
ber  everything  as  vividly  as  any  other  man ;  but  this  occurred 
at  intervals  and  of  short  duration,  the  bulk  of  time  being 
blank  and  unaccountable.  So,  after  starting  on  the  march  the 
first  day  after  breaking-up  camp,  I  soon  lost  my  mental  facul 
ties,  and  do  not  know  utterly  how  long  and  where  about  we 
marched,  when  we  stopped  to  rest,  and  how  I  passed  the  night. 
And  not  only  that,  but  even  the  next  morning  I  could  not  re 
member  afterwards  how  I  rose  from  sleep  and  what  I  had 
done;  and  my  consciousness  came  back  to  me,  and  just  as  if  I 
were  awakened  from  a  sound  sleep,  or  restored  from  a  trance, 
suddenly,  and  just  at  the  very  moment  when,  having  boiled 
my  coffee  for  breakfast  with  other  soldiers;  and  how  I  have 
done  that  I  don't  know  anything  about  it  either.  I  carried 
my  coffee-pot,  suspended  upon  a  stick,  to  my  place  of  night's 
resting,  and  passed  a  group  of  officers,  among  whom  was  Cap 
tain  Ilges,  and  who,  looking  at  me,  was  talking  to  the  other 
officers;  and,  as  it  appeared  to  me,  he  was  talking  about  me. 
Now,  as  I  was  unaccountable  nearly  the  whole  previous  day  and 
the  whole  of  last  night,  too  (as  I  have  just  stated  above),  this 
event  was  for  me  very  vexing.  I  could  not  remember  what  I 
had  done  the  day  previous  and  the  last  night,  and  the  con 
versation  of  the  officers,  seemingly  about  me,  gave  me  a 
suspicion  that  probably  I  had  done  something  wrong,  irra 
tional,  or  foolish.  And  still  more  strange,  besides  Captain 
Ilges,  I  did  not  recognize  one  single  other  officer,  although 
they  all  seemingly  belonged  to  our  regiment.  After  this  I  can 
not  remember  clearly  and  positively  how  long  we  remained  on 
that  spot ;  neither  can  I  remember  the  time  and  circumstances 


26  DOUBLE-QUICK  CHARGE 

when  we  started  again  on  march,  but  became  fully  aware  of  it 
when  we  were  marching.  Shortly  after  I  became  unconscious 
again,  and  don't  know  at  all  how  long  we  moved,  but  regain 
ed  my  consciousness  at  the  very  time  when  we  were  forming 
into  line  of  battle,  which  was  about  noon,  and  a  very  hot  day* 
too,  as  I  was  wet  throughout  from  perspiration.  Now,  as  I 
look  upon  all  that  at  the  present  time,  it  appears  to  me  that 
somebody — and  very  reasonably — may  ask  why  I  did  not  re 
port  to  my  commanding  officer  and  the  regimental  doctors, 
my  troubles  and  incompetent  condition  ?  And  especially  at 
such  a  time,  when  it  could  result  in  great  disasters.  I  answer 
as  it  appeared  to  me  at  that  time.  I  never  was  told  that  I 
had  done  anything  wrong  when  I  was  in  absent  mindedness, 
but  seemingly  I  acted  always  as  rational  as  any  other  person; 
hence,  I  nevf  r  was  in  apprehension  that  I  would  commit  some 
thing  wrong.  And  the  other  cause  of  my  silence  was  that  to 
report  my  troubles  at  such  a  time,  and  when  every  man  was 
highly  needed  in  the  ranks — and  such  troubles,  which  neither 
could  I  prove,  nor  could  the  doctor  or  any  one  detect — would 
be  most  likely  taken  as  a  deceit  and  a  subterfuge  to  get  out  of  the 
ranks  and  out  of  the  dangers  of  war;  and,  therefore,  I  kept  si 
lt  nee.  I  remember  tolerably  well  how  we  formed  our  regi 
ment  into  line,  and  how  we  started  in  battle-line  through 
very  thick  underbrush,  which  retarded  very  badly  the  ad 
vance  of  th«  troops;  especially  so  as  this  thick  brush  was  full 
of  wild  vines,  which  extended  and  intertwined  the  bushes  to 
gether  like  a  net.  I  remember,  also,  that  the  command  was 
given,  and  we  started  in  double-quick  step,  which  was  almost 
impossible  to  perform,  as  the  vine  cords  prevented  keeping  the 
line  unbroken.  And  at  the  start  I  found  myself  entangled 
and  almost  strangled  by  some  of  those  vine  cords  or  strings. 
As  I  was  running,  as  all  others  did,  some  of  these  vine- cords 
chanced  to  come  around  my  neck,  and  through  my  rapid 
moving  forward  they  formed  themselves  into  a  perfect  noose, 


WOUNDED  27 

so  that  I  was  not  only  stopped  in  my  run.  but  was  violently 
jerked  back.  Being  in  a  condition  thut  utterly  prevented  my 
moving  forward,  I  began  to  extricate  and  disentangle  myself 
out  of  the  meshes  as  rapidly  as  it  was  possible  for  me, 
having  in  mine  hands  gun,  with  the  bayonet  fixed  on  it,  and 
not  one  soul  to  help  me. 

This  caused  me  to  remain  a  considerable  space  behind  the 
line;  but  as  soon  as  I  had  disentangled  myself  out  of  these 
meshes,  and  was  able  to  move  forward,  I  started  with  all  my 
might  to  run  after  the  battle  line  in  order  to  overtake  it,  and 
regain  my  place  in  it.  Running  through  that  brushy  thicket 
as  fast  as  it  was  possible  for  me,  I  naturally  became  so 
heated  that  the  perspiration  ran  down  my  body  as  water.  In 
a  few  minutes  later  I  came  out  of  that  thicket  upon  a  large 
field,  and  saw  our  line  of  battle  in  considerable  distance  ahead 
of  me.  So  I  used  all  my  strength  to  catch  up  to  it,  and  began  to 
run  after  it  with  all  my  might.  Now,  as  it  was  a  hot  day,  and 
I  perspired  but  too  profusely  even  being  in  comparatively  shady 
woods,  so,  coming  into  the  open  field,  with  the  sun's  rays  mer 
cilessly  striking  upon  me,  and  with  increased  exertions  to  catch 
up  to  the  line,  and  having  musket  in  the  hands,  and  heavy 
load  upon  my  back  in  the  form  of  a  knapsack  and  contents,  in 
the  very  first  seconds  of  that  run  I  became  utterly  exhausted; 
and,  having  lost  again  my  consciousness  and  accountability, 
from  this  moment  I  was  utterly  oblivious — where  I  was,  what 
I  had  done,  how  I  had  been  wounded,  how  long  I  was  in  that 
Battle  of  the  Wilderness,  and  how  I  came  out  of  that  fight. 
In  one  word:  It  was,  and  is  till  now,  for  me  utterly  impos 
sible  to  give  any  account  of  that  time,  if  even  my  physical 
life  was  dependent  on  that.  I  could  then  and  can  now 
remember,  and  very  distinctly,  that  there  was  a  very  great 
noise  and  confusion;  that  1  saw  a  multitude  of  people  running 
in  all  directions,  and  apparently  without  any  aim  and  knowl 
edge  what  they  were  doing,  or  what  had  to  be  done.  But  all  this 


28  WOUNDED 

appeared  to  me  then,  as  now,  like  a  dream  of  a  man  in  delirium 
of  fever,  in  which  condition  I  was  once  in  my  boyhood;  and 
the  strange  hallucinations  of  that  time  of  my  sickness  I  remem 
ber  till  now  very  vividly,  although  it  happened  with  me  nearly 
fifty  years  ago.  But  here,  besides  or  except  this  great  noise 
and  confusion.  I  cannot  remember  any  other  circumstances 
which  happened  around  me  and  with  me,  and  do  not  know  at 
all  how  and  when  I  was  wounded;  neither  do  I  know  how  and 
when  I  came  out  and  off  the  field  of  battle. 

This  occurred  in  the  Battle  of  the  Wilderness,  Virginia, 
on  the  4th  day  of  May,  1864.  At  the  first  time  of  regain 
ing  my  senses  I  found  myself  lying  under  a  large  tree  in  the 
woods,  having  my  knapsack  under  mine  head,  and  the  belt, 
with  the  cartridge-bf>x,  unbuckled,  which  work  I  myself  in  no 
ways  could  perform  on  account  of  one  arm  being  shot  through 
and  rendered  useless;  but  who  unbuckled  my  knapsack  and 
belt  I  do  not  know  at  all.  Remaining  conscious  but  a  few 
minutes,  during  which  time  I  heard  heavy  and  deafening  fire 
of  cannon  and  musketry,  and  that  at  a  near  distance  from  me, 
1  dropped  again  into  oblivion,  and  how  long  it  continued  lean- 
not  tell;  but  the  senses  returned  to  me  in  the  very  minute 
when  two  men  with  stretchers  were  passing  by  at  a  short  dis 
tance,  going  towards  the  sound  of  battle  noise.  They  would 
have  passed  me  unnoticed,  but  I  called  to  them;  and,  having 
come  to  me,  they  lifted  me  up,  put  me  upon  the  stretcher,  and 
proceeded  to  carry  me  farther. 

At  this  time  I  lost  my  senses  again,  and  regained  them 
towards  the  evening,  when  the  sun  was  already  under  the  hori 
zon.  At  this  lime  I  found  myself  lying  on  a  clear  field  among 
many  hundreds  of  other  wounded  men;  and  the  first  thing  my 
eyes  beheld  and  the  mind  grasped  was  that  one  officer  of  our 
rfgiment,  a  captain,  by  the  name  Osborn,  or  Osborne  (I  don't 
know  exactly),  was  going  with  a  doctor  between  the  rows  of 
the  wounded,  dying  and  dead  scattered  around  me.  Chancing 


WOUNDED  29 

to  see  me,  he  turned  towards  the  place  where  I  was ;  and  with 
the  words  (as  far  as  I  can  recollect),  "Corporal,  you  are  here, 
too,"  he  inquired  whereabout  I  was  wounded;  but,  not  being 
able  to  explain  myself,  I  pointed  out  with  my  right  hand  to 
the  wounded  left  arm.  He  kneeled  at  my  side  and  tried  to 
take  off  my  overcoat,  which  I  had  on.  But,  not  being  able  to 
do  this,  he  got  up  and  went  to  the  doctor;  and,  after  a  few 
words  to  the  doctor,  pointing  with  his  hand  towards  me,  he 
returned  to  me  with  the  doctor. 

All  this  I  distinctly  understood  and  remembered  after 
wards,  and  do  vividly  recollect  to  the  present  day;  and  if  that 
Captain  Osborn,  or  Osborne,  is  yet  living,  or  even  that  doctor 
(whose  name  I  never  heard)  is  yet  among  the  living,  and  any 
one  of  them  should  chance  to  read  these  '"Depositions,"  they 
will  probably  remember  it  too.  But  just  at  the  very  moment 
when  they  were  standing  near  me,  and  the  doctor  began  to  ex 
amine  the  sleeve  of  my  coat  to  see  whereabout  the  arm  was 
shot,  I  dropped  into  unconsciousness  again,  and  do  not  know 
at  all  how  or  when  my  arm  was  dressed,  and  how  I  was  remov 
ed  into  a  hospital  tent,  where  I  found  myself,  among  many 
others,  at  the  next  return  of  my  senses;  and  this  time  it  was 
already  night  and  quite  dark;  but  in  a  few  miles'  distance  the 
fire  of  musketry  and  cannon  went  on  as  lively  as  during  the 
day;  and  my  arm  was  dressed,  being  taken  out  of  the  over 
coat  sleeve,  of  which  work  I  was  utterly  oblivious.  This  time 
the  consciousness  remained  but  a  few  moments. 

At  the  next  return  of  the  senses  it  was  about  midnight, 
or  past  twelve  o'clock,  and  1  found  myself  lying  under  another 
man,  who  threw  himself  across  my  body.  I  pushed  and  tried 
to  awaken  him,  but  to  no  avai1,  because  I  found  him  to  be  in 
sensible.  After,  with  great  difficulty,  I  extricated  myself  by 
crawling  from  uuder  his  body;  and,  examining  him  as  far  as 
it  was  possible  by  the  light  of  the  moon,  I  found  him  to  be  a 
sergeant  of  a  Zouave  regiment,  very  young  and  very  hand- 


30  TRANSFERRED 

some,  but  already  dead  for  some  hours  apparently,  because  his 
limbs  were  cold  and  already  stiff;  and  he,  undoubtedly,  in  the 
mortal  agony  had  thrown  himself  across  me,  of  which  1  was  not 
in  the  least  aware,  and  saw  it  only  then  when  my  senses  re 
turned,  and  when  he  was  dead  already  for  some  hours. 

After  this  I  remember" remaining  for  some  days  (how  man  v 
days  I  do  not  know,  as  the  most  time  I  was  unconscious — at 
leaVt  unaccountable  to  my  own  self)  in  that  field  hospital. 
Then,  I  remember  that  all  of  us  that  were  able  to  travel  were 
sent  further  to  the  rear.  And  so  1  started,  in  the  company  of 
several  hundred  men  wounded  and  sick,  as  others  to W,  towards 
Fredericksburg.  \Ve  passed  that  city,  also  Chamvllorsville, 
and  some  other  minor  places,  all  in  ruin  and  desolation.  Afi 
among  the  wounded  in  our  squad  there  were  many  who  could 
speak  German,  and  a  few  who  could  speak  some  other  lan 
guages,  I  had  comparatively  very  little  difficulty  on  account  of 
my  ignorance  of  English;  but  1  was  the  most  time  only  half 
conscious,  and  often  unsconscious  tntirely,  but  never  heard 
from  any  man  that  I  acted  in  some  way  or  another  strangely 
or  irrationally.  And  on  that  account,  although  we  stopped  in 
several  cities  on  the  road  of  our  travel,  and  in  some  places  we 
were  located  in  hospitals,  but  how  long  we  ^ere  in  any  place  I 
cannot  tell;  I  can  recollect  only  this  circumstance,  that  dur 
ing  our  ride  in  railroad  cars  from  Philadelphia  to  New  York 
city — which  ride  was  very  fast,  and  the  track  in  a  very  had 
condition,  as  it  caused  often  the  passengers  to  jump  high  up 
from  the  bench  in  consequence  of  the  jumping  of  the  cars — I 
became  aware  that  the  pain  in  my  wounded  arm,  which 
shot  exactly  through  the  elbow  socLet  or  joint,  Uiran  all  at 
once  to  increase  very  rapidly.  And,  as  it  was  ascertained  after 
wards  that  the  bone  was  split  in  several  pieces.  I  presume  that 
through  the  great  jerking  and  jumping  of  the  cars  the  split 
hone  fell  asunder,  and  in  consequence  of  that  the  increase  of 
inflammation  and  pain  ensued.  I  can  only  remember  that  we 


IN   FORT   TRUMBULL  31 

came  to  New  York  city,  but  in  no  way  can  1  say  how  long  we 
remained  in  that  city;  neither  can  I  remember  how  we  passed 
the  time  in  New  York ;  nor  can  I  recollect  anything  how  we 
came  from  New  York  to  New  London,  Conn.;  I  don't  know 
at  all,  if  we  came  by  a  steamboat  or  by  rail.  But  1  became 
fully  conscious,  and  remember  till  now  the  time  when  we  ar 
rived  at  Fort  Trumbull,  and  were  welcomed  by  the  post  chap 
lain,  the  good  and  saintly  Kev.  Dr.  Hurlbut.  (I  am  not  sure 
that  this  name  is  written  correctly.) 

In  Fort  Trumbull  my  physical  and  mental  condition  did 
not  improve,  but  rather  grew  worse.  The  pain  in  the  wounded 
arm  increased  daily  and  hourly  on  account  of  a  large  boil 
which  appeared  just  above  the  place  where  the  bones  were 
cracked  and  parted  asunder,  and  on  the  upper  part  of  the  fore 
arm;  I  suppose  it  came  from  the  accumulation  of  matter  in 
the  wound  and  in  the  place  where  the  split  bones  separated. 
And  the  mental  condition  was  so  much  deranged  that  I  was 
really  conscious  about  myself  and  the  surroundings  only  at 
intervals,  and  then  but  for  a  very  short  duration  at  a  time. 
Therefore,  I  cannot  conscientiously  mention  or  describe  any 
thing  that  happened  with  me  at  that  time,  and  can  remember 
but  the  time  when  I  was  transferred  from  the  barracks  to  the 
hospital. 

In  this  hospital  of  Fort  Trumbull,  Conn.,  I  beheld  the  great 
est  and  the  sublimest  vision,  which  I  will  undertake  to  describe 
presently,  as  far  and  as  clear  as  my  inadequate  knowledge  of 
English  will  enable  me  to  do.  But,  to  understand  better  all 
particulars,  for  those  who  never  have  been  in  Fort  Trumbull, 
Conn.,  and,  consequently,  do  not  know  the  inner  construction 
of  that  hospital,  I  will  describe  the  arrangements  of  that  build 
ing  as  far  as  I  am  able  to  recollect,  adding  the  following  rough 
diagram  of  the  building: 

The  outer  walls  were  of  rock-stone,  plastered  inside  and 
whitewashed;  the  building  consisted  of  one  story, with  abase- 


HOSPITAL 


ment  for  a  kitchen,  dining-room,  and  quarters  for  the  attend 
ants.  The  entrance  to  the  building  was  by  a  few  steps  to  a 
veranda,  and  then  into  a  narrow  hall  or  corridor,  which  divid 
ed  the  building  into  two  parts.  On  the  left  side  from  the  en 
trance  was  the  dispensary — a  large  room,  with  two  large  win 
dows  on  the  right  and  left  hand  sides  from  the  door;  and  the 
whole  wall  opposite  the  door  was  covered  with  a  large  cupboard 
or  case,  with  glass  doors,  for  keeping  medicines,  instruments, 


hospital  necessities,  etc.  On  the  right  hand  side  of  the  en 
trance  hall,  just  opposite  to  the  door  into  the  dispensary,  was 
another  door  for  the  entrance  into  the  ward  or  hospital  proper. 
This  room  was  in  width  not  less  than  three  times  as  large  .as 
the  dispensary  room,  but  of  the  same  length.  Opposite  the 
entrance  to  that  room  was  an  open  fireplace  in  the  middle,  and 
two  closets  in  the  corners  ^f  that  wall;  and  on  both  sides, 


HOSPITAL 

right  and  left,  were  several  windows,  in  the  intervals  of  which 
were  the  couches.  In  the  middle  of  the  room,  lengthwise,  was 
a  row  of  wooden  columns  for  the  support  of  the  ceiling;  and 
close  to  one  of  them  were  standing  an  ordinary  little  table  and 
a  chair,  where  some  of  the  inmates  of  the  hospital  that  were 
able  to  leave  their  beds  sometimes  partook  their  meals  or  medi 
cines.  As  the  doors  of  the  hospital  room  and  the  dispensary 
were  just  opposite  each  other,  and  near  the  outside  wall,  as 
shown  in  the  diagram,  and  were  most  of  the  time  stand 
ing  full  open:  so,  walking  through  the  hospital  room  towards 
the  dispensary,  a  man  could  see  a  part  of  the  opposite  wall, 
with  the  large  glass- door  case,  where  the  medicaments  and 
hospital  books  and  instruments  were  kept;  and,  also,  if  going 
close  to  the  columns,  a  man  could  see  the  wall  with  the  two 
windows  on  the  right-hand  side  of  the  dispensary  room.  This 
is  all  I  am  able  to  recollect  about  the  inner  arrangements  of  the 
hospital  building.  And  I  hope  that  this  description,  together 
with  the  diagram,  will  be  sufficient  for  the  proper  understand 
ing  of  all  that  which  will  be  described  presently  about  the 
vision. 

During  my  stay  in  Fort  Trumbull  at  this  time,  which 
was  eight  or  nine  months,  I  was  nearly  all  the  time— as  it  ap 
pears  to  me  at  the  present  time — in  half  sleep  or  some  kind  of 
a  trance,  and  can  but  very  faintly  remember  fcome  incidents 
or  events  of  my  life  there  at  that  time;  and  can  recollect 
clear  enough  but  such  circumstances  and  incidents  that  are, 
more  or  less,  connected  with — or  have  direct  bearing  upon — 
the  "Visions"  themselves,  all  of  which  I  vividly  remember 
and  distinctly  see  with  my  mental  eyes  till  the  very  present 
day.  And  besides  that,  I  am  pretty  sure  that  I  will  retain 
them  in  memory  till  the  last  day  of  my  life  on  earth.  There 
fore  I  will  mention  only  that  which  I  can  well  remember,  and 
will  describe  but  that  in  the  correctness  of  which  I  am  con 
sciously  sure  that  it  happened. 


CHAPTER  II. 

Shortly  after  my  arrival  at  Fort  Trumbull  I  was  compell 
ed  often  to  listen  to  conversation  between  other  soldiers,  and 
carried  on  in  close  proximity  to  me — although  in  some  sup 
pressed  undertone  or  voice,  but  still  loud  enough  to  be  distinct 
ly  heard  by  me,  and  seemingly  for  the  principal  purpose  of 
my  hearing  it — that  I  am  a  rebel,  a  traitor,  etc.,  and  that  I 
ought  to  be  shot.  And  sometimes  I  was  forced  to  hear  that  I 
will  be  court-marshalled  and  shot.  These  and  such  like  utter 
ances  and  conversations  I  was  subjected  to  hear  nearly  every 
day.  It  is  easy  for  every  rational  reader  of  this  to  understand 
that  such  discourses  about  me  among  my  comrade-soldiers  in 
my  presence  but  too  much  augmented  my  physical  weakness 
and  mental  derangement,  as  I  was  utterly  unconscious  of  hav 
ing  committed  such  a  deed  which  would  justify  the  infliction 
of  the  highest  penalty  of  the  law;  and  to  be  a  rebel,  a  traitor, 
was  for  me  as  abhorrent  and  detestable  as  it  ever  could  be  for 
the  most  loyal  born  American.  And  solely  for  this  purpose  I 
have  described  at  such  length  my  resolution  to  go  to  America 
for  the  sole  purpose  of  entering  into  the  Northern  army,  and 
also  my  outright  refusal  to  accept  the  advances  of  that  agent 
of  the  Southern  Confederacy  offered  to  me  and  my  comrade, 
Lieutenant  Puffer,  on  the  steamer  coming  over  the  ocean.  I 
had  no  opportunity  whatever  to  be  such;  but  even  if  I  had 
or  would  have  any  chance  for  such  an  action,  I  was  constitu 
tionally  or  conscientiously  utterly  incapable  to  commit  such 
an  act  of  treason. 


BAD    ENGLISH  35 

But  as  I  was  often  and  so  many  times  in  the  field,  as  also 
at  the  time  of  being  in  Fort  Trumbull,  semi-unconscious  or 
unaccountable,  it  dawned  upon,  me  that,  probably,  some  time 
being  in  such  a  condition,  maybe  I  conducted  myself  or  acted 
in  such  a  way  as  could  be  interpreted  or  explained  as  treason 
able.  But  if  ever  such  act  or  conduct  of  mine  was  really 
committed  by  me,  I  am  utterly  unconscious  of  it;  hence,  can 
not  be  made  accountable  and  punishable  for  it,  as  it  was  done 
iii  the  absence  of  sound  senses  and  without  rational  intention. 
Further  on  it  gave  to  me  .acutest  moral  pain  that  I  did  not 
know  at  all  the  particulars  of  the  time  when  I  was  wounded. 
So  the  interval  times  when  my  consciousness  and  reason  re 
turned  to  me  I  was  horribly  perplexed  about  the  times  of  my 
unaccountability.  To  cap  all  these  perplexities,  I  was  very 
often  forced  to  converse  with  other  soldiers  in  English,  or  give 
them  answers  to  their  questions  in  that  language.  But,  as  I 
knew  the  exact  meaning  of  but  very  few  English  words,  so 
the  largest  number  of  words  that  I  used  in  expressing  myself 
I  utterly  did  not  know  the  correct  meaning  of  them,  and  used 
them  only  because  I  supposed  them  to  mean  that  which  I  was- 
desirous  to  express.  But  in  this  I  made  many  and  very 
grave  mistakes.  Many  times  it  happened  so  that  after  having 
given  to  the  inquirer  my  answers  and  explanations,  I  could 
perceive  by  his  conduct  at  leaving  me  that  he  felt  either  in 
sulted  or  disgusted  by  my  answer.  So,  remembering  closely 
the  words  I  used  in  giving  my  answer  to  the  inquirer,  at  the 
first  opportunity  I  asked  some  one  who  knew  good  German 
and  English  what  these  words  which  seemingly  offended  my 
inquirer  meant  and  implied,  and,  every  time  I  had  to  find  out 
that  these  words  did  not  convey  that  which  I  desired  to  ex 
press.  And  very  often  they  were  radically  contrary  to  that 
which  I  ought  to  say  in  answer  to  the  question,  and  desired  to 
say.  (Under  this  last  difficulty  I  am  laboring  even  till  the 
present  time,  although  I  am  in  this  country  over  twenty-two- 


36  DEPLORABLE    STATE 

years,  and  have  to  use  the  English  language  every  day.  As 
not  long  since,  an  editor  of  a  religious  paper,  to  which  I  con 
tributed  some  of  my  writings,  told  me  that  he  cannot  correct 
ly  understand  my  talk  to  him,  and  that  I  write  and  express 
myself  far  more  correctly  in  writing  than  in  speaking.) 

Now,  if  I  possessed  sufficient  knowledge  of  the  English 
language  so  as  to  be  able  to  understand  intelligently  everything 
that  was  said  to  me,  and  in  return  to  give  answers  to  questions 
and  explanations  to  everything  in  such  a  clear  and  compre 
hensible  way  as  to  be  readily  and  easily  understood  by  the  ma 
jority,  if  not  by  all,  I  would  have  presented  my  case*  to  the 
proper  authorities  in  the  Fort;  but  for  such  an  action  I  was 
utterly  and  positively  incapable.     Because  not  only  was  I  un 
able  to  express  myself  correctly,  but  I  was  unable  to  under 
stand  what  was  told  to  me.     And  even  in  that  which  I  seem 
ingly  understood,  if  it  was  an  order  from  a  superior  officer,  in 
carrying  it  out  I  never  was  sure  that  I  had  understood  the 
words  of  the  order-giver  correctly,  and  carried  out  his  orders 
accordingly  and  right.     And  to  go  and  petition  the  authorities 
for  investigation,  and  probably  a  formal  and  legal  court  mar 
tial,  by  means  of  an  interpreter  or  translator,  was  for  me  en 
tirely  out  of  the  question.     Because,  seeing  every  one  around 
me  to  be  ill-disposed  against  me,  as  the  most  of  them  were  but 
too  glad  of  finding  opportunity  to  trouble,  plague,  and  annoy 
me,  I  in  no  way  could  trust  any  one  of  them  to  act  as  a  trans 
lator  or  interpreter  in  such  an  emergency  for  me.     On  the  oth 
er  hand,  as  I  was  in  Fort  Trumbull  at  that  time  even   oftener, 
and  for  a  longer  duration  at  a  time,  unconscious  or  unaccount 
able  as  I  was  the  last  time  of  my  being  in  the  field,  I  was  in 
great  danger  and  dread  of  falling  into  that  state  or  condition 
•during  my  examination,  and  thereby  making  the  circumstances 
far  worse  than  they  were  before.     All  this  compelled  me  to  re 
main  in  a  vexed  and  deplorable  condition  without  any  attempt 
whatever  to  extricate  myself  out  of  it,  and  I  had  to  put  all  my 


HORRORS    OF    WAR  37 

hope  for  deliverance  into  the  hands  of  a  Power  which  is  might 
ier  than  all  human  agencies  and  means. 

In  this  condition  and  under  these  circumstances  I  drag 
ged  my  life,  every  day  augmenting  my  misery  by  the  increase 
of  pain  in  my  wounded  arm ;  as  also  by  my  mental  trouble 
and  constant  thinking  about  the  calumny  of  being  a  rebel,  a 
traitor,  and  what  not,  as  it  was  described  above.  Now,  all 
these  combined,  naturally  worked  to  lower  my  physical  and 
spiritual  constitution;  and,  to  all  that,  the  intermittent  and 
constant  spells  of  my  unaccountability  helped  me  to  grow 
weaker  and  feebler.  To  this  time  I  was  in  the  common  bar 
racks  with  some  other  sick  and  wounded  men;  but  as  I  grew 
rapidly  weaker  and  worse,  I  was,  at  last;,  transferred  into  the 
hospital,  the  diagram  of  which  is  given  above. 

Now,  on  one  Sunday  morning,  shortly  after  my  being 
transferred  into  the  hospital  building  (as  far  as  I  can  recollect 
it  was  the  last  days  of  June,  or  in  the  first  part  of  July,  1864, 
and,  as  I  write  the  present  "Depositions''  in  July,  1886,  so, 
just  twenty-two  years  since),  after  a  tolerably  good  night's 
rest,  I  got  up  blessed  with  unusual  clear  mental  perceptions. 
And  mostly  all  circumstances  of  that  Sunday  morning  and 
forenoon  impressed  themselves  upon  my  mind,  and  vividly  re 
main  in  my  memory  till  the  very  present  day,  although  they 
happened  over  twenty-two  years  ago.  After  the  usual  Sunday 
inspection  on  that  morning,  between  10  and  11  o'clock  A.  M., 
feeling  some  increase  of  pain  in  my.wounded  arm,  I  began  to 
walk  up  and  down  the  whole  length  of  the  hospital  room.  The 
first  time  of  my  beginning  to  walk  up  and  down  I  mentally 
repeated  some  prayers,  but  was  distracted  from  this  by  the  sur 
roundings  about  me.  Then  I  began  to  think  about  the  war 
and  the  events  occurring  on  the  fields  of  conflict,  waged  be 
tween  two  political  parts  of  one  nation.  Now,  as  in  every  in- 
ternicine  war — and  especially  in  our  war  for  the  union  of 
States — there  were  many  and  many  families,  which  of  the  male 


38  WILLING    TO    BE    SHOT 

members  one  part  served  in  the  Union  army  and  the  other 
part  of  the  same  family  served  in  the  ranks  of  the  Confederate 
army ;  so,  as  they  were  standing  as  enemies  towards  one  anoth 
er,  as  the  case  may  be — father  against  his  son  and  a  son 
against  his  father,  as  also  one  brother  against  another,  or 
more  than  one,  and  so  forth.  In  such  circumstances  it  is  un 
deniable  that,  whether  in  skirmish  line  or  in  a  pitched  battle, 
all  unknowingly,  the  father  can  become  the  slayer  of  his  son» 
the  son  of  his  father;  and  one  brother  the  slayer  of  another, 
and  which  events,  probably,  were  more  than  a  few. 

Now,  thinking  over  all  these  horrible  circumstances,  my 
mind  was  struck  with  the  idea,  What  a  terrible  sin  and  crime, 
in  the  eyes  of  God,  the  nation,  as  a  whole,  is  committing  in  this 
terribly  cruel  and  utterly  inexcusable  war.  Then  came  the 
thought  that,  as  God  is  perfectly  just,  and  all  these  things  are 
against  his  will  and  revealed  Commandments,  there  is  but  too 
much  cause  to  believe  that  at  some  time  in  the  future  the  whole 
nation  will  be  compelled  to  expiate  all  the  present  sins  and 
crimes  in  some  other  way.  After  this  came  to  my  mind  mine 
own  condition.  The  question  pressed  itself  upon  my  mind  as 
to,  What  have  I  done  to  deserve  the  name  of  a  traitor  ?  And 
what  deed  have  I  committed  for  which  I  deserve  to  be  shot  ? 
My  conscience  was  clear,  and  the  heart  was  positive  that  I  never 
in  my  whole  life  had  committed  such  a  crime  which  justified 
guch  a  punishment.  And,  as  to  the  service  under  the  flag  of 
the  Union,  I  never  had  in  my  mind  even  the  faintest  possibil 
ity  of  committing  a  treasonable  act,  and  still  less  have  know 
ingly  committed  any  such  crime.  But,  then,  what  is  the  cause 
and  reason  that  I  am  compelled  constantly  to  hear  that  I  am  a 
rebel,  a  traitor,  etc.,  and  will  be  shot  ? 

Then  all  at  once  the  following  idea  flashed  across  my  mind: 
"What,  if  in  the  inscrutable  ways  of  the  just  Providence  a 
special  sacrifice  was  necessary  to  expiate  all  the  sins  and  crimes 
of  the  nation  at  large  committed  in  this  unjustifiable  and  cruel 


VISION  39 

war  ?  And  what  if  I  was  singled  out  to  furnish  this  sacrifice  ?  " 
To  this  question  I  instantly  gave  to  myself  a  resolute  and  posi 
tive  answer  mentally.  If  I  knew  that  this  is  the  will  and  de 
mand  of  the  universal  Creator  and  Ruler,  and  if  I  knew  that 
thereby  the  war  would  be  stopped,  and  the  Union  of  States 
and  the  Republic  itself  would  be  preserved,  I  would  unflinch 
ingly  submit  to  be  shot,  without  any  attempt  to  defend  my  in 
nocence  against  any  and  every  accusation  brought  against  me. 
Now,  as  it  was  said  above,  that  the  weather  on  that  Sun 
day  forenoon  was  beautifully  clear  and  warm,  and  the  sunrays, 
falling  through  the  windows  of  the  left  hand  side,  were  play 
ing  upon  the  floor  and  the  wall  of  the  right  hand  side  of  the 
dispensary- room,  and,  as  I  was  walking  up  and  down 
through  the  hospital  room  (as  it  is  marked  in  the  dia 
gram),  and  was  slightly  swinging  my  wounded  arm  in  conse 
quence  of  increasing  pain,  so,  each  time,  going  towards  the 
dispensary,  I  looked  with  some  pleasure  at  the  play  of  the 
sunrays  on  the  floor  and  the  wall  of  the  dispensary  room. 
And,  as  both  doors  in  the  dispensary-room  and  the  hospital- 
room  were  full  open,  nearly  the  whole  wall  with  the  two  win 
dows  on  the  righthand  side  of  the  dispensary  were  fully  open 
to  my  view.  Now,  when  the  last  above  described  questions 
flashed  across  my  mind,  being  followed  by  my  mental  answer 
and  resolution,  I  was  walking  towards  the  dispensary  and 
looking  at  the  fantastic  displays  of  the  sunrays  on  the  right- 
side  wall  of  the  dispensary,  and  was  just  nearing  that  little 
table  and  chair  marked  on  the  diagram.  In  the  very  moment, 
as  the  above  described  resolution  flashed  across  my  mind,  far 
quicker  than  the  fall  of  lightning,  the  two  windows  disappear 
ed,  and  the  whole  wall,  from  ceiling  to  floor,  became  at  once 
covered  with  thick  and  heavy  clouds,  and  in  the  middle  of 
those  clouds  protruded  a  representation  or  figure  of  the  Al 
mighty  Creator  and  Ruler  of  the  universe.  This  sudden  ap 
pearance  was  so  majestic,  sublime,  and  awe-producing  that  it 


40  VISION 

almost  broke  me  down  from  my  feet.  But,  as  I,  at  the  very 
moment  of  the  appearance  of  that  vision,  was  in  close  prox 
imity  to  the  little  table  and  the  chair,  and,  at  the  very  mo 
ment  of  beholding  it  abruptly  stopped  in  my  walking;  so 
grasping  the  back  of  the  chair,  I  quickly  sat  down,  and,  drop 
ping  my  wounded  arm  upon  the  table,  I  began  to  observe  and 
examine  closely  all  particulars  of  the  sublime  vision,  which 
continued  to  remain  before  my  sight  nearly,  if  not  more  than, 
a  whole  minute.  So  long,  indeed,  that  I  was  enabled  to 
observe  and  retain  in  memory  every  particular  in  detail,  and 
which,  with  the  permission  and  help  of  my  Creator  and  Sav 
iour,  I  will  undertake  to  describe  here  as  plainly  and  distinct 
ly  as  my  inadequate  knowledge  of  the  English  language  will 
enable  me.  The  clouds  were  white  and  very  compact.  Some 
of  them  were  bordered  or  encircled  with  blue,  gray,  and  a  few 
with  an  almost  black  border,  and  all  were  in  mountainous 
clumps,  just  as  we  see  them  sometimes  after  a  heavy  rain 
storm,  when  the  heavy  wind  changes,  and,  coming  from  the 
north,  causes  the  clouds  to  ascend  higher,  and  breaks  them  up 
by  piling  them  up  into  mountains  of  more  heavy  and  close 
compactness.  Just  so  were  these  clouds  extending  themselves 
inside  the  dispensary  more  than  three  feet  from  the  wall,  and 
seemed  to  be  slightly  shaken  as  if  a  wind  blew  against 
them,  or  as  if  from  any  other  force  coming  from  inside  the 
clouds  themselves.  In  the  very  moment,  as  the  wall  and 
windows  disappeared,  and  these  clouds  covered  the  whole  wall 
from  floor  to  ceiling,  simultaneously,  in  the  middle  part  of  the 
clouds,  and  a  little  lower  than  half-way  from  the  ceiling,  ap 
peared  a  human  form  of  undescribed  magnificence  and  grand 
eur,  being  more  than  twice  the  size  of  any  ordinary  human  be 
ing  of  large  proportions.  This  human  form  protruded  out  of 
the  clouds  into  the  room  to  the  loins  or  waist.  The  arms 
were  outstretched  from  both  sides  of  the  body  and  further  in 
side  the  room,  and  appeared  somelike  as  if  flying.  The  head 


VISION  41 

and  face  were  nearly  round,  the  eyes  wide  open,  large,  and  of 
heavenly  blue  color.  The  hair  of  the  head  and  the  beard  very 
thick,  long,  and  white  like  freshly  fallen  snow,  and  were  flying 
backwards  from  the  face,  as  if  the  head  were  flying  with  a 
mighty  speed  forwards,  or  as  if  a  very  strong  wind  or  hurri 
cane  were  blowing  into  the  face.  The  face  looked  as  a  full 
representation  of  majesty;  was  beautiful  far  more  than  I  ever 
have  seen  of  any  human  being,  and  the  eyes  were  slightly 
turned  towards  my  side,  but  not  as  much  as  to  look  straight  at 
me.  The  body  and  arms  were  clothed  in  scarlet  tunic;  and 
over  the  left  shoulder,  as  if  thrown,  were  visible  some 
kind  of  a  garment  of  a  bright  blue  color;  but  what  kind  of 
garment  was  that  I  could  not  see  and  do  not  know.  It  looked 
somelike  that  as  the  Saviour  is  represented  in  some  sacred 
paintings.  As  the  beard  was  parted  in  the  middle  of  the  chin, 
flying  backwards  over  both  shoulders,  so  it  exposed  the  neck 
under  the  chin,  and  thus  enabled  me  to  see  that  the  scarlet 
tunic  was  circularly  cut  out  around  the  neck,  and  I  could 
clearly  see  also  that  this  cut-out  was  edged  or  bordered  with 
either  a  narrow  gold  band  or  a  gold  cord  or  string,  which  vividly 
glistened  or  sparkled  from  the  sunrays  falling  into  the  room 
through  the  windows  of  the  left-hand  side,  and  which,  prob 
ably,  prevented  me  to  distinguish  the  gold  edgings — if  they  were 
of  a  band  or  a  cord.  The  sleeves  were  wide  at  the  wrist  (some 
time  called  Greek  sleeves),  and  cut  just  like  the  sleeves  of  the 
cassock  of  the  priests  in  the  Greek  church;  that  is,  made  from 
the  shoulder  down  gradually  broader  and  wider,  till  at  the 
wrist  the  sleeve  is  about  two  feet  wide.  And  the  edges  around 
the  end  of  the  sleeves,  just  as  the  edge  around  the  neck,  were 
bordered  by  a  gold  band  or  cord,  which,  as  around  the  neck, 
glittered  like  diamonds  from  the  sunrays.  I  could  not  discern 
any  other  garment  under  this  "cassock,"  as  also  what  kind  of 
a  garment  that  of  the  blue  color  was ;  it  appeared  to  me  only 
thrown  over  the  left  shoulder.  This  is  all  I  had  time  to  ex- 


42  VISION 

amine  and  observe  positively ;  but  these  things  which  I  have 
just  described  I  saw  clearly;  and  all  of  them  impressed  them 
selves  upon  my  mind,  and  fixed  themselves  in  my  memory 
so  permanently  that  I  see  all  mentally  as  clearly  and  as  vividly 
to  the  present  day  as  if  I  saw  them  but  a  few  days  or  weeks 
ago;  and  I  feel  nearly  positive  that  I  will  see  them  throughout 
my  whole  remaining  life  on  earth. 

Now,  as  I  was  sitting  at  the  table,  and,  with  awful  aston 
ishment,  observing  this  majestic  and  sublime  vision  in  all  par 
ticulars,  all  at  once  there  appeared  to  my  view  Doctor  Porter, 
and  close  behind  him  his  assistant,  the  hospital  Steward,  Kel 
logg.  And  at  the  very  moment,  as  the  Doctor  and  Steward  ex 
posed  themselves  to  my  view,  coming  across  the  room  from  the 
left-hand  side  of  the  dispensary  (which  side  of  the  room  was 
-not  exposed  to  my  view),  and  toward  the  sick  room  where  I 
was,  at  that  very  moment  the  "vision"  vanished,  and  the  wall 
with  the  two  windows  reappeared  to  my  sight.  Now,  just  in 
the  moment  my  eyes  fell  upon  Doctor  Porter  and  Steward 
Kellogg,  and  at  which  very  moment  the  vision  disappeared,  I 
heard  distinctly  and  clearly,  as  if  whispered  by  a  human  be 
ing  into  my  right  ear,  the  following  words  in  Russian  language: 
"This  is  God-Father  and  God-Son  I  "  Now,  as  beholding  the 
sublime  "vision,"  I  was  in  awe  and  astonishment;  so,  by  hear 
ing  the  above  words  whispered  into  my  right  ear,  my  mind  was 
nearly  bewildered  by  astonishment  and  confusion.  Because 
these  words  I  heard  whispered  into  my  ear  just  at  the  very 
moment  when  the  vision  disappeared,  and  mine  eyes  rested  on 
the  persons  of  Doctor  Porter  and  Steward  Kellogg,  it  appeared 
to  my  mind  at  that  time  that  the  words  heard  by  me,  "This  is 
God-Father  and  God-Son/'  referred  to  Doctor  Porter  and  Steward 
Kellogg,  as  the  former  was  an  old  man  past  seventy,  and  the 
latter  a  young  man  about  twenty-five  years  of  age.  And  this 
circumstance  plunged  my  mind  into  utter  confusion;  and 
across  my  mind  flashed  the  inquiry,  What  does  it  mean  that 


VISION  43 

the  Doctor  and  Steward  seemingly  represent  "God-Father  and 
God-Son"  ?  But,  in  aftertimes,  when  I  became  convalescent, 
and  my  mind  gradually  became  more  steady  and  rational, 
often  contemplating  about  this  sublime  vision  and  these  words, 
I  remembered  the  words  spoken  by  our  Saviour  in  answer  to 
the  Apostle  Phillip,  "I  and  mine  Father  are  one."  "Who  sees 
me  sees  my  Father."  So,  through  these  words  of  our  Saviour 
I  saw  clearly,  and  became  fully  convinced,  that  the  words 
heard  by  me,  as  whispered  into  my  ear,  'were  pronounced  in 
reference  to  the  vision ;  in  the  one  human  form  of  which  vision 
were  represented  the  twofold  faculties  and  attributes  of  Jesus, 
or  of  his  sovereignty ;  that  is :  God  the  Father  as  the  Creator 
and  Ruler  of  the  Universe;  and  God  the  Son  as  the  Saviour  of 
the  world  and  the  human  race,  but  both  these  attributes  merg 
ing  in  one  divine  human  form  of  Jesus  Christ.  And  just  here 
1  wish  to  state  the  following:  First — That  at  this  time,  when  I 
was  sitting  at  the  table,  and  was  observing  the  vision,  there 
was  not  one  single  person  less  than  twenty  feet  from  me;  but 
I  heard  the  words  whispered  close  to  mine  right  ear ;  moreover, 
there  was  not  one  single  person  neither  in  the  hospital  nor  in 
the  fort  itself  at  that  time  who  could  understand  and  speak 
Russian  besides  me;  but  the  above  words  were  whispered  into 
my  ear  in  the  Russian  language. 

Hence,  taking  all  these  circumstances  together,  there  is  no 
question  whatever  that  the  words,  "This  is  God-Father  and 
God-Son,"  heard  by  me  at  that  time,  proceeded  from  entirely 
different  sources  than  from  ordinary  means  of  human  agency. 
In  this  I  am  perfectly  positive.  Second :  There  is  no  question 
whatever  that  the  vision  was  not  seen  by  the  persons,  or  any 
one  of  them,  who  were  in  the  dispensary  at  that  time — at  least 
the  doctor,  the  steward,  and  the  hospital  nurse  (if  there  were 
no  outsiders  at  that  time).  But  I  saw  it  as  clearly  and  dis 
tinctly  as  any  material  object  can  be  seen  by  good  eyes  and 
in  clear  daylight;  and  for  such  long  duration  as  to  give  me 


44  VISION 

ample  time  to  observe  and  remember  every  particular  of  the 
vision.  This  question,  "How  can  that  possibly  be  accounted 
for  that  one  man  can  see,  and  many  others  at  the  very  same 
time  wouldn't  be  able  to  see  the  same  ?"  puzzled  me  very  much 
every  time,  in  many  after  years,  when  I  contemplated  or  med 
itated  about  the  described  vision,  till  a  few  years  since,  begin 
ning  to  read  many  works  of  spiritual  philosophy  by  Emman 
uel  Swedenborg,  I  found  the  explanation  of  this  mystery. 
Describing  and  explaining  the  mystery  of  our  Saviour's  ap 
pearance  to  the  apostles  and  others  after  his  resurrection,  as  it 
is  ingrafted  in  his  gospel  of  the  New  Testament,  Emmanuel 
Swedenborg  says  that  the  Lord  God  and  Saviour,  by  his  om 
nipotent  power,  and  for  reasons  known  only  to  his  own  per 
son,  sometimes  opens  the  spiritual  sight  of  a  man ;  and  that 
man  whose  spiritual  sight  has  thus  been  opened  is  enabled  to 
see  all  spiritual  things,  which  the  Saviour  will  cause  to  pre 
sent  before  man's  natural  eyes.  Whereas,  none  of  those  whose 
spiritual  sight  has  not  been  opened  by  the  Saviour  are  able  to 
see  the  same,  as  spiritual  things  can  be  discerned  only  spiritu 
ally  (says  the  Apostle  Paul);  so  no  spiritual  things  can  be 
seen  with  physical  eyes  if  the  spiritual  sight  of  the  individual 
is  not  opened  by  the  Saviour  for  seeing  the  spiritual. 

This  explained  to  me  the  whole  mystery  that  puzzled  me 
a  good  deal  and  many  years.  And,  third:  As  I  have  received 
a  religious  education,  and  was  always — although  very  disobe 
dient — a  tolerably  good  believer  in  God  and  the  teachings 
of  the  church  (as  far  as  I  knew  them),  I  remembered  always 
in  my  prayers  that  there  are  three  Persons  in  the  Divine 
Trinity— -God-Father,  God-Son,  and  God-Holy  Ghost.  Nowy 
in  that  above-described  vision  I  saw  one  divine-human  form, 
which  contained  in  itself  the  two  first  persons,  the  Father  and 
the  Son  (as  I  was  informed  by  a  whisper  into  my  ear).  But 
every  time  I  meditated  about  the  vision,  and  this  was  nearly 
every  day  since  I  became  able  to  collect  my  mind  so  far  as  to 


WHAT    FOLLOWED  45 

be  able  to  think,  I  was  giving  to  myself  the  following  ques 
tion  :  "I  have  seen  the  person  of  God-Father  and  God-Son,  but 
the  church  teaches  that  these  are  two  persons ;  whereas  I  saw 
them  in  one  divine  form  of  a  man.  Moreover,  the  church 
teaches  that  there  is  a  third  person,  God — Holy  Ghost.  Will 
I  ever  see  and  understand  the  third  person  of  the  Holy  and 
Divine  Trinity  ?  The  solution  of  this  question  will  be  given 
further  on  in  its  proper  place,  as  it  came  to  me  in  an  incom 
prehensible  or  undefinable  way  from  above. 

Now,  as  I  was  still  sitting  at  that  little  table,  bewildered 
with  the  awfulness  of  that  described  vision,  and  confused  by 
the  words  I  heard  whispered  into  my  ear,  Dr.  Porter  came 
into  the  hospital  room  first,  and,  turning  to  the  right  from  the 
entrance,  he  went  around  to  speak  to  and  examine  the  other 
sick  and  wounded ;  and  his  assistant,  Stewart  Kellogg,  came  in 
right  after  him,  having  a  white  cup  like  a  teacup  in  his  hand. 
He  came  towards  me  where  I  was  sitting  at  the  table,  and 
came  near  to  me  with  the  words,  "Corporal  Petroff,  your  arm." 
He  abruptly  stopped  to  advance  nearer,  or  to  speak  more,  but 
with  some  wonder  looked  for  a  few  moments  into  my  face. 
And  then,  coming  close  to  me,  he,  in  a  mild  and  sympathetic 
voice,  asked  me,  ''Do  you  feel  very  sick  ?"  to  which  I  answer 
ed,  "I  feel  very  great  pain  in  the  arm."  But  this  was  far 
from  the  real  truth.  As  he,  undoubtedly,  saw  in  my  face  the 
reflection  of  the  inner  condition  of  mine  mind,  caused  by  the 
events  just  past,  his  inquiry,  so  to  say,  meant  something  like 
asking,  "What  is  the  cause  of  your  bewilderment  and  the  un 
natural  condition  of  your  face  ?''  So  mine  answer  was  only 
correct  to  his  incorrect  inquiry;  but  it  settled  the  matter  so 
far  satisfactorily,  as  the  next  words  of  his  were,  "Let  me  see 
your  arm."  And  with  these  words  he  proceeded  to  take  off 
the  bandages.  When  he  uncovered  the  wounded  arm  he  first 
looked  for  a  moment  at  it;  then  he  poured  upon  the  largest 
wound,  which  formed  itself  on  the  upper  part  of  the  forearm, 


46  GREAT    PAIN 

and  just  above  the  place  where  the  bones,  being  split,  fell 
asunder,  some  kind  of  a  liquid,  which  he  brought  from  the  dis 
pensary  in  that  teacup.  This  was  for  me,  so  to  say,  to  jump 
out  of  the  fire  into  flame.  In  the  very  moment,  as  he  had 
thrown  quickly  and  suddenly  that  liquid  upon  the  wound, 
which  was  more  than  two  inches  large  in  diameter,  there  came 
from  the  wound  some  kind  of  a  tsish — something  like  that  pro 
duced  by  lard  or  butter  thrown  upon  hot  iron,  and  also  a  lit 
tle  like  smoke  and  bad  odor.  But  more  than  all  that,  in  the 
very  moment  after  I  had  seen  that  which  is  here  stated,  it 
went  throughout  my  whole  system  like  the  strongest  electric 
current,  which  caused  me  nearly  to  faint  away;  and  the  pain 
in  the  arm  became  utterly  indescribable.  So  much  it  was  so 
that  this  pain,  all  at  once,  caused  me  that  moment  to  forget 
the  vision  and  all  the  circumstances  attendant  to  it.  And, 
after  he  had  rebandaged  it,  I  utterly  didn't  know  what  I 
should  do  to  stand  the  pain ;  I  could  not  rest  in  one  place  even 
a  minute's  time,  but  had  to  run  violently  around  the  whole 
hospital  room,  swinging  my  arm  in  every  possible  way.  And 
I  do  honestly  believe  and  think  that  only  the  thought  about 
that  sublime  vision  which  I  beheld  that  morning,  and  the 
words  which  I  heard  whispered  into  my  ear,  were  the  most 
powerful  means  by  which  my  life  was  sustained.  But  even 
this  was  not  of  a  long  duration.  I  remember  only,  and  that 
distinctly,  that  the  same  afternoon  my  senses  began  to  be  un 
steady  and  wandering,  and  toward  the  evening,  before  the  sun 
set,  I  lost  all  control  of  my  mind  and  senses,  and  that  so  com 
pletely  that  I  positively  do  not  know  was  I  alive  or  not ;  neither 
do  I  know  in  the  least  how  many  days  I  was  in  that  condi 
tion.  But  I  am  sure  that  it  lasted  for  many  days,  because  I 
could  remember  afterwards,  and  do  recollect  even  until 
now,  that  I  had  several  different  visions  during  that  time. 
But  as  my  senses  were  shattered  and  broken,  these  visions  ap 
pear  to  me  as  undefined  dreams,  or  hallucinations  of  feverish 


UNCONSCIOUS    SPELL.  47 

brains  in  "delirium  tremens."  So,  as  I  am  not  positively 
sure,  and  am  unable  to  describe  them  clearly,  I  will  not  state 
them. 

But  I  will  describe  here  a  few  episodes  or  events  at  times 
when  I  at  once  regained  my  senses,  and  as  suddenly  lost  them 
entirely  again.  In  the  first  instance — and  I  do  not  know  at 
all  how  soon  it  happened  after  my  total  loss  of  senses  on  that 
Sunday  afternoon — I  found  myself  standing  outside  the  hos 
pital,  and  near  me  the  hospital  nurse,  Phelps,  holding  me  by 
the  right  arm.  As  soon  as  I  recovered  my  senses,  and  became 
conscious  of  the  surroundings,  and  whereabout  I  was,  I  looked 
at  myself  and  became  aware  that  I  had  on  my  body  hospital 
nightclothes  only — long  shirt  and  drawers,  and  boots  on  my 
feet,  but  nothing  else  whatever.  Then,  as  soon  as  my  senses 
grasped  the  situation,  I  heard  this  question  from  the  nurse. 
Phelps,  and  could  understand  it  clearly.  He  said,  "Where  do 
you  go  ?  "  To  which  I  answered,  "I  go  home."  Now,  I  re 
member  this  clearly  till  now,  although  I  cannot  remember  one 
single  instance  of  having  been  told  about  this  occurrence  by 
any  man  whatever ;  and  as  I  am  not  perfectly  sure  in  the  cor- 
rectnesss  of  the  description  of  it,  I  appeal  to  any  one  and  all 
who  were  at  that  time  in  Fort  Trumbull,  and  are  among  the 
living  now,  to  corroborate  it  if  correct,  or  correct  it  if  erro 
neous  ;  but,  according  to  my  recollection,  I  describe  it  as  a  real 
occurrence.  And,  just  in  the  moment  I  had  given  the  above- 
mentioned  answer  to  Phelphs,  my  mind  broke  up  again ;  and 
I  do  not  know  at  all  how  I  came  back  into  the  hospital-room  • 
neither  do  I  know  in  the  least  what  happened  afterwards.  The 
next  time  my  senses  returned  to  me  at  the  very  time  when  I 
was  being  carried,  together  with  the  couch  I  was  lying  upon, 
through  the  yard  or  space  between  the  hospital  building  and 
the  guard-house  building,  close  to  which  building  was  standing  r. 

another  two-story  frame  house  into  which  several  wounded  men 
were  removed  from  the  hospital.  But  on  this  occasion  the  re- 


48  CONSCIOUS    SPELL 

turn  of  my  senses  was  of  such  short  duration  that  I  could 
afterwards,  and  can  now,  remember  only  my  being  carried  upon 
my  bed  through  the  yard,  and  saw  the  building  whereto  I  was 
carried,  but  do  not  know  at  all  how  the  carriers  managed  and 
succeeded  in  carrying  me  into  the  second  story  of  that  building 
up  very  narrow  stairs.  The  next  time  when  my  senses  re 
turned  I  saw  Dr.  Porter  busy  around  me,  measuring,  or  taking 
measure,  of  the  upper  part  of  my  wounded  arm;  and  it  seems 
to  me  he  had  spoken  something  to  me,  or  to  all  of  us  who  were 
in  that  room — I  don't  know,  because  I  did  not  understand  his 
words — then  I  fell  again  into  my  trance,  and  positively  do  not 
know  at  all  how  many  days  I  was  in  that  building.  Then  my 
senses  returned  to  me  just  at  that  time  when  I  was  walking 
on  foot  through  the  same  yard  from  that  frame  building 
towards  the  hospital  building,  with  Hospital  Nurse  Phelps 
holding  me  under  my  right  arm.  And  I  was  so  far  conscious 
of  all  that  it  struck  me  as  improper  and  nude,  as  I  was  clothed 
only  in  hospital  bed-clothes,  and  wrapped  around  in  a  bed- 
sheet,  having  only  boots  on ;  so  it  appeared  to  me  that  I  ought 
to  put  on  at  least  an  overcoat  for  the  sake  of  decency;  but  I 
cannot  remember  as  to  having  made  any  remark  on  that. 

Then  I  remember  when  I  came  into  the  dispensary.  As  it 
was  the  first  time  after  having  seen  in  that  room  the  above- 
described  vision  that  I  came  into  the  dispensary,  that  room 
appeared  to  me  strangely.  I  remember  having  found  there 
several  persons,  but  cannot  recollect  them  personally,  except 
Doctor  Porter,  who  spoke  some  words  to  me  very  kindly  and 
friendly,  but  I  could  not  understand  what  he  said ;  and  close 
to  him  I  saw  his  assistant,  Hospital  Steward  Kellogg;  and  also 
a  musician  from  the  artillery  band,  a  German  by  the  name  of 
Keller,  who  said  to  me  in  German  that  I  must  lie  down  on  a 
large  table,  temporarily  placed  in  the  middle  of  the  dispensary, 
and  be  covered  with  a  bed-sheet,  and  adding  that  my  arm  had 
to  be  amputated.  So  I  stretched  myself  upon  that  table,  and 


ARM    AMPUTATED  49 

by  Steward  Kellogg  was  given  chloroform  to  inhale,  which  was 
anything  but  agreeable  to  smell;  but  soon  my  senses  were  be 
numbed,  I  became  unconscious,  and  the  operation  began.  I 
distinctly  remember  till  the  present  day  that  I  regained  my 
senses  during  the  operation,  and  just  at  that  time  when  Doc 
tor  Porter  was  sawing  through  the  bone,  but  did  not  feel  any 
pain  whatever ;  but,  turning  my  face  to  the  left  side,  I  stared 
at  the  work  with  curiosity  and  some  kind  of  satisfaction ;  then 
Steward  Kellogg,  who  stood  at  the  other  side  of  the  table,  put 
his  hand  before  my  eyes;  and  I  remember  that  after  he  had 
done  so  I  lifted  my  right  hand  and  pushed  his  hand  away, 
saying,  "I  want  to  look  at  that."  But  after  a  few  seconds,  be 
ginning  to  feel  some  pain,  I  asked  him  to  give  me  more  chloro 
form,  which  he  did;  then,  becoming  again  unconscious,  I  re 
mained  so  till  everything  was  finished,  and  I  became  minus 
one  limb.  Then,  becoming  conscious  again,  and  seeing  that 
all  is  finished,  I  made  an  attempt  to  raise  myself  from  the 
table,  with  the  intention  to  walk  into  the  hospital  room,  but 
the  Doctor  peremptorily  prevented  me  from  doing  so ;  and  I  was 
lifted  up  and  carried  into  the  hospital  room  by  two  stout  men. 
So  far  I  remember  the  different  circumstances  and  events  of 
that  time,  but  not  much  further. 

Then,  from  that  time,  my  life  in  Fort  Trumbull  appears 
to  me  more  like  a  dream  than  reality,  as  it  is  not  continuous  at 
all,  but  rather  broken  in  fragments,  as  it  was  the  last  months 
of  my  life  in  the  field ;  it  appears  to  me  only  that  my  unac 
countable  condition  extended  into  far  longer  duration  at  a  time, 
than  it  was  in  the  field ;  and  the  intervals,  when  the  senses  be 
came  active  and  rational,  were  of  shorter  time  than  in  the  field. 
So,  to  describe  that  time  conscientiously  and  as  a  truth,  I  am 
utterly  incapable.  Hence,  I  will  describe  only  such  events  of 
which  I  am  positively  sure  that  they  occurred,  and  in  such  a 
way  a§  they  were  preserved  in  my  memory. 

Several  months  after  my  arm  was  amputated  (I  do  not 


50  TRANSFERRED 

know  how  many,  but  it  seems  to  me  that  it  was  early  in  the 
spring  of  1865,  or  in  the  last  part  of  1864),  I  was  transferred, 
with  many  other  convalescent,  wounded  and  sick  soldiers,  into 
one  room  of  the  officers'  apartments  in  one  of  the  bastions  of 
the  fort  proper.  It  was  a  large  room,  with  a  very  high  ceiling, 
having  several  windows  towards  the  east.  I  do  not  remember 
how  many  of  us  occupied  that  room,  but  think  not  less  than 
eighteen  or  twenty;  and  I  remember  that  I  occupied  a  bunk 
together  with  Corporal  Ford  of  the  same  company  with  me, 
who  was  shot  through  the  hand.  Our  bunk  was  standing  with 
the  headboard  towards  the  wall  in  which  the  windows  were; 
hence,  being  in  it,  I  was  with  my  head  eastward,  and  the  feet 
westward;  and,  when  the  weather  was  clear,  as  soon  as  the  sun 
began  to  appear  above  the  horizon,  the  sunrays  immediately 
struck  the  windows  and  penetrated  into  our  room.  Fort  Trum- 
bull  stands  on  a  high  cliff- bank,  having  upon  the  east  and 
south  a  broad  sheet  of  water.  In  this  room  I  staid,  with  many 
others,  for  several  months,  till  I  was  able  to  be  about. 

Now,  as  is  natural,  becoming  more  and  more  convales 
cent,  and  being  compelled  to  keep  my  bed  only  on  account  of 
the  arm,  as  the  stump  healed  up  but  very  slowly  and  gradual 
ly,  I  often  woke  up  very  early  in  the  mornings,  and,  not  wish 
ing  to  sleep  more,  I  passed  the  time  by  observing  the  play  of 
the  sunrays  on  the  ceiling  and  the  opposite  western  wall.  So 
it  was  that  on  a  morning  of  February  or  March,  1865 — I  can 
not  remember  the  month  nor  the  day,  as  I  did  not  keep  a 
memorandum,  but  I  am  perfectly  sure  that  it  was  in  the  first 
months  of  1865 — having  woke  up  about  or  between  four  and 
five  o'clock  in  the  morning,  I  found  the  morning  to  be  very 
clear  and  beautiful,  and  the  sunrays  were  displaying  the  most 
interesting  things  and  figures  on  the  ceiling  and  the  western 
wall  of  the  room.  All  other  occupants  of  the  room,  and  my 
bunk  comrade  Ford,  too,  were  sound  asleep,  as  from  no  one 
came  any  sign  of  being  awake.  So,  looking  at  the  playthings 


VISION    OP    MOTHER  51 

of  the  sunrays,  and  listening  to  the  different  melodies  of  snor 
ing  from  all  parts  of  the  room,  and  lying  on  my  back  for  some 
time,  I  began  to  think  about  my  poor  condition,  asking  myself 
mentally,  "What  shall  I  do  on  leaving  the  hospital  ?"  I 
have  now  but  one  arm,  and  cannot  be  of  any  amount  of  use  in 
the  army.  If  I  knew  the  English  language  I  could  perform 
some  duty  as  a  clerk  in  some  of  the  military  offices,  but  I  am 
utterly  incompetent— on  account  of  the  language — to  perform 
such  service.  And,  on  the  other  hand,  if  I  apply  for  a  dis 
charge  and  go  out  of  the  army,  what  will  I  do  then  ?  The 
very  same  ignorance  of  English  will  block  my  way  every 
where.  ''What  shall  I  do  ?"  This  question  forced  itself  upon 
my  mind  repeatedly,  and  several  times,  without  enabling  me  to 
give  a  satisfactory  answer.  So,  thinking  and  revolving  in  my 
mind  the  possibilities,  as  also  the  impediments  lying  in  my 
way,  I,  all  at  once,  was  struck  with  something  before  my  eyes, 
which  at  the  first  I  supposed  to  be  some  kind  of  a  shadow 
coming  from  an  object,  which  may  have  happened  to  pass  be 
tween  the  sun  and  the  windows  of  our  room,  which  windows 
were  behind  my  head.  But,  looking  more  closely  at  it,  I  viv 
idly,  distinctly,  and  positively  recognized  in  that  shadow  the 
form  of  my  mother,  standing  about  two  feet  distant  from  the 
footboard  of  our  bunk.  Now,  as  I  was  just  thinking  and 
striving  to  solve  in  my  mind  what  would  be  the  best  for  me  to 
do,  namely:  To  remain  in  the  army,  or  apply  for  my  discharge 
and  go  out;  so,  after  being  positively  convinced  by  observing 
the  stature  and  recognizing  the  face  that  it  is  my  mother,  and 
without  any  thought  whatever  how  she  could  appear  there, 
and  being  utterly  unable  to  explain  to  myself  even  to  the  present 
day  how  it  came  that  I  threw  to  her  such  a  question  without 
any  preliminary  interrogation  or  explanation — as  soon 
as  I  became  fully  sure  and  convinced  that  it  was  my  mother 
standing  before  me,  I  uttered  to  her  the  following  question, 
and  in  the  Russian  language,  "Mother,  what  shall  I  do  ?"  and 


52  NOT    A    DREAM 

in  the  very  moment  that  I  had  spoken  the  last  word  she  rais 
ed  her  right  hand  and  arm  as  high  as  her  head,  and,  pointing 
with  her  forefinger  towards  the  ceiling,  she  answered,  and  in 
the  Russian  language  also,  uTo  pray/'  And  this  answer  was 
pronounced  by  her  in  a  half-suppressed  voice,  just  loud  enough 
for  me  to  hear  and  understand,  apparently  as  if  she  was 
thoughtful  not  to  disturb  the  sleep  of  any  other  occupant  of 
that  room;  and  in  the  very  moment  she  dropped  that  word, 
"To  pray,"  she  vanished. 

Now,  every  living  man  in  the  room  was  soundly  sleeping. 
Not  one  of  them,  by  any  single  manifestation,  exhibited  him 
self  to  be  in  a  wakeful  condition;  and,  besides  this,  there  was 
not  one  single  person  who  could  understand  the  Russian  lan 
guage.  But  I  asked  her  in  Russian,  and  received  from  her  the 
answer  in  the  same  language.  I  did  not  sleep  then,  but  was 
awake  probably  for  more  than  half  an  hour  before  she  appear 
ed  to  me;  neither  did  I  fall  asleep  after  the  vision,  but  remain 
ed  awake  the  rest  of  the  morning,  until  all  the  others,  one 
after  another,  were  awake.  So  I  am  perfectly  sure  and  positive 
that  it  was  not  a  dream,  but  a  vision  in  reality,  without  any 
doubt  whatever.  I  perfectly  recognized  the  features  of  her 
face,  but  could  not  distinguish  exactly  if  her  eyes  were  open 
or  shut,  as  they  appeared  to  me  as  being  very  deep  sunken  in 
the  sockets,  which  was  not  the  case  when  I  left  her  on  depart 
ing  from  St.  Petersburg;  and,  besides  this,  she  was  standing  be 
fore  my  sight  as  if  in  a  shade,  or  as  when  we  see  objects  in  in 
sufficient  light,  or  during  the  twilight  or  dawn.  I  perfectly 
recognized  her  voice  when  she  gave  me  the  answer  to  my  in 
quiry.  Also  I  distinctly  observed  the  dress  of  her  head  and 
body,  and  am  sure  that  she  had  them  not  at  that  time  when  I 
was  yet  in  St.  Petersburg.  By  this  appearance  of  her  to  me  I 
concluded  that  she  had  died. 

Now,  this  was  the  second  vision  which  I  saw  in  broad 
daylight,  and  with  open  eyes  and  full  consciousness;  and  not 


PROVOST    SERGEANT  53 

only  saw  with  my  natural  eyes  the  visions,  but  heard  with  my 
natural  ears  some  words  directed  and  spoken  to  me,  which  in 
no  way  could  come  from  a  human  being,  as  at  both  times  the 
words  were  spoken  to  me  in  the  Russian  language,  when  I  am 
perfectly  sure  not  one  living  soul  in  Fort  Trumbull  could 
speak  Russian. 

After  the  vision  of  my  mother  I  resolved  to  remain  in  the 
army  till  the  expiration  of  the  term  of  my  enlistment,  and 
perform  as  much  duty  as  I  would  be  able  to  perform.  And, 
as  I  often  afterwards  was  in  an  unaccountable  condition,  and 
almost  every  day  trying  to  recall  to  my  memory  all  the  cir 
cumstances  of  the  day  previous,  I  encountered  more  or  less 
long  spaces  of  blank  duration,  of  which  I  did  not  know  any 
thing  for  certain;  therefore,  I  will  mention  here  but  such 
events  as  I  am  certain  that  they  happened  in  the  same  way  as 
I  describe  them. 

After  becoming  so  far  recuperated  as  to  leave  the  room 
and  be  about  outdoors,  I  was  given  several  kinds  of  work  to 
perform  which  I  was  more  or  less  able  to  fulfill.  And,  at 
last,  I  was  made  provost-sergeant,  and  was  ordered  to  take 
every  day  the  prisoners  confined  in  the  fort  outside  the  inclos- 
ure  to  make  a  proper  and  regular  road  leading  from  the  fort 
into  the  city  of  New  London,  which  road  went  through  rocks 
covered  with  underbrush  and  woods  in  a  wild  condition.  The 
prisoners  were  many,  and  among  them  several  were  desper 
ate  characters,  to  manage  whom,  to  say  the  least,  I  had  more 
than  a  little  difficulty  on  account  of  my  ignorance  of 'English. 
One  morning,  being  outside  the  fort  at  work  on  the  road  with 
the  prisoners,  among  whom  were  several  who  carried  a  ball 
and  chain,  and  among  these  a  young  fellow,  who  was  a  desert 
er  several  times,  and  carried  on  his  foot  a  heavy  chain  and 
ball;  just  after  the  "doctor's  call"  was  sounded  in  the  fort, 
one  of  the  prisoners  came  to  me  telling  me  that  he  was  sick 
and  wanted  to  see  the  doctor.  As  that  morning  I  felt  in  my 


54  PRISONER    ESCAPED 

stump  considerably  more  pain  than  usual.  I  was  desirous  to 
see  the  doctor,  too,  for  to  ask  for  some  liniment  to  rub  the 
stump  with.  So,  taking  the  sick  prisoner  with  me,  I  went  in 
to  the  fort  to  see  the  doctor,  leaving  all  the  other  prisoners  at 
work  in  charge  of  one  of  the  guards.  After  returning  with 
the  sick  prisoner  to  the  place  of  our  work,  I  noticed  some 
prisoners  sneering  and  laughing,  seemingly  at  my  expense. 
Suspecting  something  wrong  or  unusual,  I  told  the  guards  to 
bring  the  prisoners  together  to  be  counted.  As  soon  as  they 
were  all  together,  I  saw  at  once  that  the  young  fellow  who 
was  a  constant  deserter,  and  one  of  the  most  daring  and  des 
perate  characters,  was  missing.  I  at  once  ordered  one  of  the 
guards  to  search  through  the  woods  and  see  if  he  was  not  hid 
ing  himself  behind  some  rocks  or  brushes.  But  in  a  few  min 
utes  he  came  back  and  reported  that  there  was  no  sign  what 
ever  of  his  whereabouts.  So,  giving  to  the  guards  a  strict  or 
der  to  keep  all  the  prisoners  in  one  place  together,  I  took  along 
with  me  one  of  the  guards,  and  went  to  search  for  the  missing 
man  myself.  After  some  search  behind  the  rocks  and  trees,  I 
found,  in  some  kind  of  a  cave,  the  ball  and  chain  broken  off 
from  the  foot;  and  just  a  few  rods  from  the  place  where  the 
prisoner  was  crushing  with  a  heavy  hammer  the  rock-stones 
for  macadamizing  the  road,  and  undoubtedly  with  the  very 
same  hammer,  he  knocked  off  the  chain  from  his  foot,  as  the 
hammer  was  there,  too,  with  some  other  implements  which  we 
used  in  breaking  the  rock*. 

NoWfit  could  easily  be  seen  that  all  this  was  a  precon 
ceived  and  well-arranged  job  to  bring  me  into  trouble.  The 
chain  was  very  heavy  and  strong,  and  could  not  be  broken 
easily  and  quickly  without  making  a  noise,  which  would  be 
heard  by  many  around,  and  especially  by  the  guards.  But 
nobody  knew,  or  they  pretended  not  to  know  anything  about 
that  affair;  but  the  ball  and  chain  were  there,  and  the  man 
non  est.  As  the  time  was  close  to  dinner,  I  formed  my  squad 


CHANGE    OF    PLACE  55 

and  marched  into  the  fort.  Coming  in,  I  reported  the  event  to 
the  officer  of  the  day,  expecting  to  be  plunged  into  a  great 
trouble.  But,  as  the  war  was  over,  I  suppose  the  authorities  in 
the  fort  did  not  care  much  about  losing  such  a  desperate  fel 
low  as  this  prisoner  was;  and  probably  they  saw,  too,  that  this 
thing  was  executed  with  the  knowledge  of  many  others,  if  not 
all,  except  myself.  So  they  did  not  press  it  to  a  formal  inves 
tigation,  and  the  thing  passed  over.  But,  nevertheless,  this  af 
fair  made  such  an  impression  upon  my  mind  that  I  lost  the 
equilibrium  of  my  senses  again,  and  for  several  days  was  so 
sick  at  heart  and  mind  that  I  was  unable  to  perform  any  duty. 
But  when  the  trouble  passed  over  in  my  mind,  I  resumed  my 
duties  again. 

A  few  weeks  after  this  event  there  came  rumors  that  Ma 
jor  G.  Chapin,  who  was  Fort-Commander  at  that  time,  had 
been  made  Battalion-Commander,  and  all  of  us  in  the  fort  were 
to  constitute  the  nucleus  of  the  Third  Battalion,  with  Major 
Chapin  for  our  commander,  and  that  we  will  soon  leave  the 
fort  and  go  somewhere  else.  In  a  short  time  there  came  an  or 
der  to  prepare  for  moving.  Now,  as  I  have  said,  the  escape  of 
that  prisoner  severely  unsettled  my  senses  again,  and  I  became 
often  conscious  that  I  lost  my  accountability  once  in  awhile 
again.  So  the  excitement  of  the  preparations  for  moving  in 
creased  this  defect,  and  so  much  so  that  I  became  sick  physi 
cally  and  was  compelled  to  go  on  the  sick  list;  and  after  that 
for  the  most  of  the  time,  I  was  at  least  half,  if  not  fully,  unac 
countable.  That  morning  when  we  left  Fort  Trumbull  I  was 
almost  totally  unaccountable,  and  do  not  know  at  all  when  and 
how  we  started.  But,  going  through  the  city  of  New  London, 
I  regained  my  senses  and  retained  them  till  we  came  aboard  a 
steamer;  and  I  remembered  afterwards  what  I  saw  during  that 
time,  as  well  in  the  streets  of  New  London  as  on  arriving 
upon  the  deck  of  the  steamer.  But  being  on  the  vessel,  in 
a  very  short  time  I  lost  my  memory  or  accountability 


56  RECRUITING    SERVICE 

again,  and  do  not  know  at  all  whereabout  we  passed,  and  what 
was  to  be  seen  on  the  voyage.  My  senses  returned  to  me 
again  when  we  were  in  barracks,  and  I  was  lying  upon  my 
back  in  a  bunk,  in  company  with  very  many  soldiers  around 
me.  Trying  to  remember  where  about  we  went  on  our  road 
to  these  barracks,  I  could  faintly  recollect  having  seen  sailing 
vessels  passing  by  and  some  buildings  ashore  which  we  passed 
by,  but  all  in  such  a  nebulous  and  undefined  shape  as  if  it  were 
seen  in  a  feverish  dream.  So,  desiring  to  know  where  I  was,  I 
asked  the  nearest  to  me  where  we  were  quartered,  and  was  told 
that  we  were  upon  an  island  (name  I  cannot  remember)  in  New 
York  harbor. 

After  a  few  days  on  that  island  I  was  detailed  on  recruit 
ing  service.  I  was  given  three  privates,  and  ordered  to  pro 
ceed  to  New  York  city  and  report  myself  for  duty,  with  the 
three  privates,  as  Recruiting  Sergeant  in  the  office  of  Captain 
Foote.  On  this  duty  I  was  about  six  months,  and  when  our 
battalion  was  filled  up  sufficiently  there  came  an  order  to 
close  up  our  business  and  shut  up  the  office,  and  I  was  or 
dered  by  Captain  Foote  to  return  with  my  three  men  to  the 
headquarters  on  the  island.  During  this  service  in  New  York 
nothing  exceptional  occurred,  and  seemingly  all  went  smooth 
ly  and  satisfactorily  for  Captain  Foote,  as  I  never  heard  from 
him  any  harsh  or  cross  words,  as  he  was  a  very  good  man. 

Returning  to  the  island,  I  reported  myself  to  the  com 
mander,  Major  Chapin,  who  told  me  to  stay  in  the  barracks 
and  await  further  orders.  After  a  few  days  I  was  told  that 
Major  Chapin  wanted  to  see  me,  and  I  must  report  myself  to 
him  immediately.  Reporting  myself  to  him,  Major  Chapin 
told  me  that  our  battalion  is  ordered  to  go  to  San  Francisco 
CaL,  and  will  start  on  the  voyage  in  a  few  days;  and,  therefore, 
he  asks  me  if  I  want  to  be  discharged,  or  remain  in  the  ser 
vice  till  my  term  of  enlistment  is  expired,  as  the  voyage  will 
take  about  one  month  on  the  ocean,  and  probably  I  would  not 


OFF    TO   CALIFORNIA  57 

like  to  undergo  the  hardships  of  so  long  a  sea  travel,  add 
ing  that  if  I  want  to  be  discharged  I  will  receive  my  dis 
charge  on  the  morrow;  but  if  I  want  to  serve  out  my  term  of 
enlistment  nobody  can  force  me  to  leave  the  service.  I  an 
swered  him  that  if  it  is  possible  for  me  to  remain  I  would  pre 
fer  to  serve  out  my  proper  term,  and  have  my  discharge  on 
account  of  the  expiration  of  my  term  of  service  rather  than  on 
account  of  disability.  To  this  the  Major  said  that  certainly  I 
can  remain,  but  I  must  perform  some  kind  of  duty  by  which  I 
may  be  of  some  use  in  the  service.  I  replied  that  I  am  ready 
and  willing  to  perform  any  duty  he  will  assign  me  to,  provid 
ed  I  am  able  to  perform  it  satisfactorily,  as  my  knowledge  of 
English  is  yet  a  great  obstacle.  Then  he  told  me  to  go  back 
to  the  barracks,  and  when  he  has  found  some  duty  for  me  to 
perform  he  will  send  for  me,  and  the  next  morning  he  sent  for 
me  to  report  myself  to  him.  So,  coming  to  him,  he  told  me 
that  he  would  appoint  me  to  be  an  orderly  to  the  commanding 
officer  of  the  battalion,  and  I  would  have  to  be  on  duty  in  full 
dress  every  day  around  him,  wherever  he  should  be  ordered  by 
the  War  Department  to  go  with  the  battalion,  asking  me  if  I 
felt  able  to  perform  that  duty,  to  which  I  answered  that  I  felt 
able,  and  hoped  to  obey  his  orders  and  discharge  my  duty  sat 
isfactorily.  Then  he  told  me  to  prepare  myself  for  the  voyage, 
as  the  battalion  would  start  for  California  in  two  or  three  days, 
and  after  I  have  made  myself  ready  for  the  voyage  to  report 
myself  to  him  for  duty  in  full  dress.  So,  in  accordance  with 
these  orders,  having  made  myself  ready  for  moving,  the  next 
morning  I  reported  myself  to  him  for  duty.  The  battalion 
started  in  two  days  after  this  for  New  York  city,  and  right 
away  went  aboard  of  an  ocean  steamer  for  California;  and  dur 
ing  the  whole  trip,  which  lasted  nearly  a  monch,  I  was  every 
day  on  duty  around  Major  Chapin  and  constantly  in  his  view 
being  always  in  the  first-cabin  passengers'  part  of  the  steamer. 
On  this  voyage,  as  far  as  I  am  able  to  recollect,  nothing  excep- 


58  DECEMBER  10,  1865 

tional  happened;  and  on  one  of  the  first  days  of  December, 
1865,  we  came  to  San  Francisco,  and,  landing  there,  went 
straight  off  to  the  Presidio. 

After  our  arrival  in  the  Presidio  I  found  out  that  my  term 
of  service  would  expire  on  the  10th  of  December,  1865,  the 
very  same  month  in  which  we  came  to  California.  So,  on  the 
morning  of  the  10th  of  December,  reporting  myself,  as  usual, 
to  the  Major,  Gordon  Chapin — now  promoted  to  be  Brevet  - 
Colonel  of  the  United  States  Army — for  duty  as  orderly,  I 
reported  to  him  also  that  the  term  of  my  service  expired  that 
very  same  morning.  He  was  somewhat  surprised,  and  asked 
me  if  I  was  sure  of  that,  to  which  I  answered  that  the  regi 
mental  books  in  the  batallion  office  testified  that  it  was  so. 
Then  he  said  to  me:  "Well,  you  need  not  perform  any  duty 
hereafter,  and  you  may  go  to  your  quarters."  But  a  few  hours 
after  he  sent  his  cook  after  me;  and,  on  my  reporting  to  him, 
he  told  me  that  I  was  correct;  my  term  of  service  expired  that 
very  morning.  But  if  I  wish  to  remain  in  the  army  I  can  do 
so,  and  he  will  re-enlist  me  for  three  or  five  years  longer,  and 
I  can  remain  with  him  in  the  same  duty  as  orderly  as  long  as 
I  chose,  to  which  I  replied  that  it  is  against  the  military  laws 
to  enlist  a  disabled  man,  and  especially  a  one-armed  man.  He 
answered:  "That  is  correct;  but  I  will  write  to  General  Hal- 
leek  in  Washington  about  this,  and  I  am  sure  that  I  will  re 
ceive  the  permit  from  the  War  Department.  I  may  rest  assur 
ed  that  my  remaining  in  the  service  will  be  approved.  And 
besides  that  I  would  have  the  right  to  remain  in  the  service  as 
long  as  I  liked,  and  would  be  discharged  at  any  time  I  should 
apply.''  To  this  I  replied  that  I  cannot  give  a  positive  answer 
right  then,  but  must  think  it  over.  So  he  said:  "All  right; 
but  now,  as  your  term  of  service  has  expired,  the  rations  of 
subsistence  for  you  cannot  be  drawn  any  longer;  hence,  you 
cannot  take  your  meals  at  the  barracks.  But,  as  you  cannot 
live  without  food,  so  you  may  come  every  day  at  the  meal- 


JANUARY  10,  1866  59 

time  to  my  house,  and  eat  and  drink  at  my  table,  together  with 
the  cook,  page  and  the  other  servants,"  which  1  certainly  ac 
cepted  with  many  thanks,  and  did  go  into  his  house  nearly 
every  day  till  1  received  my  discharge  papers.  During  this 
time,  always  when  he  chanced  to  see  me,  he  inquired  about  my 
resolution  to  remain  in  the  service  and  around  him;  but  I 
could  not  give  him  a  positive  and  final  answer.  So  it  went  on 
a  whole  month. 

And  on  the  morning  of  January  10,  1866,  he  sent  for  me, 
and,  at  my  coming  to  him,  he  said  to  me  that  they 
had  received  an  order  from  the  War  Department  by  which  the 
battalion  is  ordered  to  be  ready  to  start  for  Arizona  on  any  day, 
and  he  expects  to  receive  an  order  to  start  in  a  very  few  days, 
asking  me  if  I  will  remain  in  the  army  and  with  him.  Learn 
ing  this  news,  I  told  him  positively  that  I  cannot  remain  in 
the  service,  as,  if  the  battalion  goes  into  the  field,  it  will  very 
likely  have  to  move  from  one  place  to  another  often,  and  that 
would  be  but  too  hard  for  me  to  carry  my  things  from  one 
place  to  another,  and  keep  up  with  the  troops  in  marching,  to 
which  he  said  that  I  needn't  be  troubled  on  this  account;  my 
things  would  be  transported  in  the  headquarters'  wagons,  and 
I  could  ride  in  his  family  wagon,  a  large  two-horse  team  which 
he  had  bought  for  that  purpose,  to  give  proper  accommodations 
for  his  family  and  his  servants.  And,  as  my  duty  would  be, 
as  heretofore,  to  be  always  around  him,  I  would,  of  necessity, 
have  to  ride  in  his  wagon,  and  will  not  need  to  march  with 
the  troops.  I  was  very  sorry,  as  he  was  a  very  good  and  kind 
man — a  gentleman  in  every  way;  and  as  I  could  plainly  see 
that  he  was  very  desirous  to  retain  me  around  him,  I  suppose 
more  on  account  of  his  two  little  sons  who  liked  to  be  around 
me ;  so  I  said  that  it  was  very  hard  for  me  to  refuse  the  accept 
ance  of  all  his  proffered  advantages.  But,  as  my  resolution 
was  already  fixed,  I  thanked  him  as  well  as  I  was  able,  and 
told  him  that  I  could  not  accept  his  kind  and  generous  prom- 


60  DISCHARGED 

ises  and  advantages,  as  it  is  too  hard  for  me  to  remain  any 
longer  in  the  military  service,  and  I  asked  him  for  my  dis 
charge  papers.  He  evidently  was  disappointed  at  my  answer; 
and,  if  he  is  yet  among  the  living,  and  will  have  a  chance  to 
read  these  depositions,  I  sincerely  ask  herewith  his  forgiveness 
if  I  caused  some  pain  to  his  feelings  by  my  answer,  but  I  could 
not  help  it.  I  was  unable  to  express  myself  in  English,  so,  as 
I  wished  to  express  myself;  and  to  accept  his  proffer,  and  re 
main  in  the  service,  it  was  nearly  utterly  impossible  for  me. 
So  he  said  to  me  to  go  into  the  Adjutant's  office  and  ask  for 
my  papers,  telling  the  clerk  in  the  office  that  Colonel  Chapin 
sent  me  after  them,  and  to  bring  the  papers  to  him  for  signing, 
which  I  did  that  very  moment.  And  when  I  brough  t  the  papers 
to  him  he  once  more  ccunseled  and  advised  me  to  remain;  but, 
as  I  finally  told  him  the  same  reasons  that  prevented  my  further 
remaining  in  the  service,  he  signed  the  papers  and  handed  them 
tome. 

This  happened  on  the  10th  of  January,  1866;  and,  as  my 
term  of  service  expired  on  the  10th  of  December,  1865,  so  it  is 
to  be  seen  that  Colonel  Chapin  kept  me  around  him,  aiid 
supplied  me  with  food  from  his  own  table,  just  a  full  month. 
Having  received  my  papers,  1  went  the  very  same  morning  to 
San  Francisco,  found  the  Paymaster's  office,  and  received  my 
money  in  full,  and,  according  to  my  final  statement  papers, 
from  Colonel  Fry.  Then  I  went  to  a  clothing-store  close  by, 
and  bought  me  a  suit  of  citizen's  clothes,  as  till  that  time  I 
continued  to  wear  my  military  dress.  After  this  I  went  back 
to  the  Presidio  after  my  few  things  left  there,  and  also  to  bid 
the  officers  farewell,  and  express  my  thankfulness  to  them  for 
their  kind  treatment  of  me,  especially  in  the  last  months  of 
my  being  in  the  service.  Colonel  Chapin,  as  several  other  offi 
cers,  gave  me  very  good  private  recommendations,  all  of  which, 
except  a  very  long  letter  written  by  Captain  Brown  in  the  name 
of  all  the  officers  of  our  regiment  being  at  that  time  in  the 


RECOMMENDATIONS  61 

Presidio,  and  directed  to  General  Miller,  who  was  just  then 
appointed  Collector  of  Customs  in  the  port  of  San  Francisco, 
asking  him  to  give  me  a  situation  in  the  Custom  House,  and 
handed  to  me  in  an  open  envelope  to  carry  to  General  Miller, 
with  the  respects  and  greetings  of  all  the  officers  then  present; 
except  this  letter,  all  the  other  recommendation  papers  I  sa 
credly  preserved  as  mementoes  to  the  very  present  day.  These 
last  events  dissolved  my  connection  with  the  military  service 
for  the  whole  remainder  of  my  life. 

I  have  gone  into  such  an  extensive  and  detailed  description 
of  the  last  time  of  my  being  in  the  army  with  a  two-fold  pur 
pose  in  view:  (1)  If  anyone  who  was  then  with  me  will  have 
the  opportunity  to  read  these  Depositions,  he  will  testify  to 
the  truthfulness  of  my  words,  at  least  as  far  as  he  is  able  to 
recollect  the  circumstances  here  described,  and  as  far  as  they 
fell  under  his  observation.  And  (2)  that  if  anything  of  seem 
ing  truth  was  evolved  from  the  accusations  which  to  hear  I 
was  subjected  so  often  and  so  long  as  to  my  being  "a  rebel," 
'•a  traitor,"  "a  coward,"  etc.,  so,  by  the  treatment  received  by 
me  in  the  last  months  of  my  service,  I  could  reasonably  con 
clude  that  if  anything  was  committed  by  me  wrong  or  crim 
inal  it  was  done  unintentionally  and  in  some  state  of  mental 
unaccountability,  as  the  attests  and  recommendations,  official 
and  private,  given  to  me  by  the  officers  under  whose  eyes  and 
command  I  spent  the  last  months  of  my  being  in  the  army, 
and  who  were  at  the  time  of  my  discharge  in  the  Presidio,  San 
Francisco,  Cal.,  furnish  ample  proof  and  evidence.  But,  as 
regards  my  own  self,  being  fully  aware  and  conscientiously 
sure  that  I  was  in  nowise  guilty  of  deserving  to  be  branded 
by  such  epithets  as  above  mentioned,  I  couldn't  accept  them 
otherwise  than  as  an  insult  hurled  at  me,  with  the  intention 
to  plague  me;  and  by  keeping  me  in  constant  irritation  and 
anger  to  force  and  provoke  me,  if  possible,  to  deeds  of  violence 
and  crime  in  revenge  or  retaliation  for  the  insults  received. 


62  DEMON    OF    DRINK 

But,  though  sometimes  it  was  nearly  unbearable;  nevertheless, 
keeping  constantly  in  mind  the  command  of  our  Saviour — to 
forgive  our  enemies,  and  pray  for  them  who  calumniate  and 
injure  us— and  in  accordance  with  the  petition  in  the  Lord's 
Prayer — "forgive  us  our  debts  as  we  forgive  our  debtors,"  etc. 
— I  never  retaliated  on  any  one;  neither  harbored  secret  hate 
against  any  one  of  my  insulters  and  abusers. 

After  a  few  days  the  battalion  started  for  Arizona;  and, 
having  seen  them  safely  embark  aboard  a  steamer,  I  bade  them 
my  last  farewell  at  the  wharf,  and  returned  to  the  place  of  my 
lodging  in  a  hotel  on  Pacific  street.  There  were  several  more 
discharged  soldiers  from  our  regiment,  and  a  few  from  the 
same  company  with  me.  As  is  always  the  case,  being  exceed 
ingly  happy  at  regaining  our  freedom  of  actions  and  choos- 
ings,  the  "demon  of  drink"  got  the  best  of  us.  And,  as  I  had 
had  the  greatest  cause  to  feel  happy  and  lucky  from  receiving 
my  discharge,  and  thereby  being  set  free  from  the  dreadful  and 
constant  anxiety  of  possible  commitment  of  some  grave  blun 
der  through  misunderstanding  of  orders  from  my  superiors,  I 
naturally  became  so  much  the  greater  victim  of  that  terrible 
scourge — "drink."  And  only  God  knows  how  foolishly  I  con 
ducted  myself  during  the  few  weeks  of  my  remaining  at  that 
time  in  San  Francisco.  And  probably  many  a  one  who  knew 
me  at  that  time,  and  became  in  some  degree  acquainted  with 
me,  or  in  some  way  became  able  to  be  an  observer  of  my  con 
duct  in  San  Francisco  during  the  years  of  my  second  coming 
to  that  city,  in  1874,  has  wondered  over  the  change  in  my  con 
duct  and  actions,  remembering  how  it  was  at  that  time,  and 
how  it  is  now.  For  the  benefit  of  such,  if  there  are  any,  I  will 
openly  confess  and  humbly  declare  that  this  change  was 
brought  about  neither  by  mine  own  personal  strength  and  vo 
lition,  nor  by  compulsion  from  outside  my  own  self  by  others 
who  may  have  had  some  controlling  power  to  exercise  over  me. 
No,  indeed.  This  nowise  could  be  brought  about  with  such;:a'; 


BLESSED   CHANGE  63 

result.  This  change  in  my  life-conduct  and  actions,  as  well  as 
my  whole  character,  judgment  and  disposition,  was  brought 
about  gradually  by  the  Blessed  Saviour  of  mankind.  And  it 
required  only  from  my  side,  or  on  mine  part,  the  full  belief  in 
him,  and  submissive  obedience  to  all  his  teachings  and  com 
mandments  as  they  are  handed  over  to  us  in  the  Four  Gospels 
and  Acts  of  the  Apostles.  This  was  the  power  and  the  fulcrum 
which  and  on  which  my  whole  life  turned  around.  So  much 
is  it  so  that  only  some  fifteen  years  ago  I  sometimes  was  so  de 
spondent  and  cast  down  as  to  be  nearly  able  to  take  my  own 
life.  But  now,  since  that  change  was  wrought  in  me  by  my 
Saviour  and  God,  as  I  shall  describe  further  on,  I  am  so  con 
tent,  and  happy,  and  satisfied  that,  if  my  life  would  last  for  a 
hundred  years  yet,  I  would  not  wish  to  have  anything  more, 
neither  would  aspire  to  anything  of  this  world.  It  is  often 
repeated  in  print,  "Peace  that  passeth  all  understanding."  But 
how  many — or,  oh,  how  few — fully  experience  and  realize  that 
blessed  condition  which  can  come  to  man  only  and  solely 
through,  and  in  consequence  of,  his  voluntary  and  willing 
obedience  to  the  Word  of  God,  expressed  and  explained  in  the 
Four  Gospels  and  in  the  Acts  of  Apostles  I  How  it  comes  will 
be  described  further  on. 

Not  being  able  to  find  any  employment  in  San  Francisco, 
I  concluded  to  go  back  to  the  East  in  company  with  some  oth 
er  discharged  soldiers  who  were,  equally  with  me,  unsuccess 
ful  in  finding  work.  And,  taking  passage  on  the  opposition 
line  steamer,  the  old  and  rickety  Moses  Taylor,  in  the  last  part 
of  February  we  started  for  Nicaragua;  as  the  steamer  could 
not  go  to  Panama  on  account  of  being  in  opposition  to  the 
regular  Pacific  Mail  Company.  Passing  through  some  hard 
ships  and  adventures,  we  crossed  Nicaragua  fronl  San  Juan  "del* 
Norte  to  Gray  town,  and  from  thence  to  New  York.  In  that 
city  I  remained  about  two  weeks;  but,  as  I  had.  no  acquaint 
ances  or  friends  there^  I  went  from  New  York  to  &ew  'Saven, 


£  EMPLOYMENT    AND    BIBLE    READING 

Conn.,  from  whence  I  had  gone  into  the  army,  and  where  I 
had  a  few  good  friends.  1  was  in  New  Haven  but  one  week, 
when,  through  some  well-disposed  German  friends,  I  found 
•employment  in  the  hardware  factory  of  J.  B.  Sargent  &  Co., 
Mr.  Sargent  himself  giving  me  the  position  of  a  day- watchman 
on  the  premises.  After  a  few  months  as  watchman,  Mr.  Sar 
gent  asked  me  if  I  could  stay  in  the  factory  office  every  Sun 
day,  from  the  time  in  the  morning  when  the  night-watchman 
left  the  premises  till  the  time  in  the  evening  when  he  came  for 
the  stay  over  night.  This  duty  I  accepted,  and,  in  conse 
quence,  I  had  to  be  in  the  factory  every  day  in  the  week,  and 
from  earliest  dawn  till  late  in  the  evening,  so  that  I  could  see 
the  outside  world  only  by  gaslight.  A  few  months  after 
this  I  was  made  a  sworn  city  weigher  and  measurer.  I  had  to 
weigh  or  measure  everything  that  came  into  the  factory  or 
went  out  of  it.  And,  as  I  had  to  furnish  legal  certificates  of 
weight  or  measure,  if  required  by  the  seller  or  deliver,  I  had 
to  keep  certain  books  for  that  purpose.  And  this,  in  turn,  fa 
cilitated  in  some  degree  my  speedier  learning  of  English. 

Now,  as  I  had  to  stay  in  the  factory  office  all  day  on  Sun 
day,  except  as  once  in  a  few  hours  I  passed  around  through 
all  the  buildings  of  the  factory  in  order  to  see  that  everything 
was  all  right  and  no  danger  from  fires  anywhere,  I  had  too 
much  idle  time  in  the  office,  and  to  use  it  profitably  for  learn 
ing  the  English  language  I  began  to  buy  books  for  reading  on 
Sundays  in  the  office.  Having  read  a  few  secular  books,  I 
concluded  that  it  would  be  still  more  profitable  to  read  the  Bi 
ble  in  the  English  language;  and  as  I  had  read  the  Bible 
through  in  several  other  languages  in  Russia,  so  reading  it 
now  in  English  I  could  learn  the  English  language  still  better 
than  from  reading  any  other  book,  by  remembering  what  I 
had  read  and  learned  from  reading  the  Bible  in  other  lan 
guages.  So,  concluding  to  buy  a  Bible  after  I  had  read 
through  the  last  book  I  was  reading,  it  happened,  the  very 


BOUGHT   A   BIBLE  65 

same  week,  that  a  book  agent  came  around  canvassing  for 
subscriptions  for  Bibles.  I  subscribed  for  a  large  Bible  ($12) 
at  once,  asking  him  to  deliver  the  Bible  as  soon  as  it  was  pos 
sible  for  him — the  sooner  the  better — settling  with  him  the 
conditions  of  payment  for  it  in  monthly  installments.  I  re 
ceived  the  book  the  next  week.  I  would  state  here  this  truth, 
that  at  the  time  I  concluded  to  read  the  Bible  in  the  office  I 
was  actuated  only  by  the  desire  to  learn  the  language  and  pass 
the  idle  time  profitably.  But,  after  a  few  Sundays  of  constant 
and  attentive  reading,  it  dawned  upon  my  mind  that  my 
reading  the  Bible  is  not  only  for  the  learning  of  English,  but 
it  must  inevitably  result  in  far  greater  benefit  to  me  than 
knowledge  of  all  languages  combined.  In  my  very  beginning 
to  read  the  Bible  I  found  in  different  places  pretty  distinct  ex 
planations  of  my  indefinite  visions  which  I  had  in  the  hospital 
during  the  time  when  I  was  utterly  lost  to  rational  life  and 
mental  capability,  after  my  vision  of  the  Almighty  Jehovah ; 
but,  as  those  visions  are  in  my  memory  only  like  dreams, 
without  definite  connections  with  realities,  so  I  will  not  de 
scribe  them,  not  being  sure  that  they  will  be  given  correct  and 
true. 

But  in  other  directions  the  reading  of  the  Bible  plunged 
me  into  great  perplexity  and  confusion,  causing  me  often  and 
very  intently  to  think  and  meditate  over  the  visions  and  the 
words  of  the  Bible.  For  example,  as  I  read  the  words  in  the 
Old  Testament,  "No  man  can  see  God  and  live,"  and  "No 
man  has  seen  God,"  etc.,  I  was  struck  and  confounded  as  to 
what  to  believe.  Shall  I  believe  my  own  eyes  and  ears  as  I 
had  seen  and  heard  in  the  hospital,  "God  the  Father"  and 
"God  the  Son,'7  or  shall  I  believe  the  words  of  the  Old  Testa 
ment  of  the  Mosaic  dispensation  ?  I  could  not  repudiate 
that  which  I  had  seen  clearly  with  my  natural  eyes  and  in  the 
broad  daylight;  also  I  had  heard  distinctly  the  whisper  into 
my  ear,  which  in  nowise  could  proceed  from  human 


66  BIBLE    EXPLANATION 

agency.  But  I  was  also  averse  to  disbelieving  the  words 
of  the  Bible.  Hence  praying,  thinking,  and  constantly  medi 
tating  about  this  mystery  of  diversity,  at  last  gradually  it 
came  down  upon  rny  mind  the  following  explanation  of  it:  In 
our  dispensation,  and  after  the  resurrection  of  our  Saviour  Je 
sus  Christ,  he  became  God  of  the  whole  human  race,  as  the 
evangelist  John  says:  "In  the  beginning  was  the  Word,  and 
the  Word  was  with  God,  and  the  Word  was  God,"  etc.;  "and 
the  Word  was  made  flesh  and  dwelt  among  us,"  etc.  So  also 
the  words  of  our  Saviour  testify:  "I  and  my  Father  are  one," 
etc.  "Who  sees  me  sees  my  Father";  "all  power  is  given  to  me 
in  heaven  and  in  earth,"  and  many  other  passages.  So,  hav 
ing  become  God  of  the  heavens  and  earth,  he  appeared  several 
times  to  his  apostles  and  other  followers  of  him  in  the  very 
same  body  in  which  he  lived  among  them,  in  which  body  he 
was  crucified  and  buried  in  the  sepulcher,  and  which  body 
he  resurrected  from  death  by  his  own  power  of  divinity,  which 
was  inherent  in  him  from  the  eternal  Deity,  or  his  Heavenly 
Father,  as  his  own  words  testify  this  too:  "As  the  Father  has 
life  in  himself,  so  also  has  the  Son  life  in  himself ' ;  "No  man 
taketh  my  life  from  me;  I  have  the  power  to  lay  it  down,  and 
have  the  power  to  take  it  up  again,"  and  many  other  verses. 
So,  as  he  appeared  many  times  before  his  ascension,  to  the 
apostles  and  other  believers,  in  the  same  human  body  in  which 
he  was  living  on  earth,  and  as  he  ascended  into  the  heavens  in 
the  very  same  human  body,  and  in  full  view  of  all  his  believ 
ers  and  followers,  since  that  time  it  became  possible  for  God  to 
appear  before  the  eyes  of  any  human  being  in  reality  and  in  a 
human  form,  if,  by  his  infinite  wisdom  and  mercy,  he  chooses 
to  reveal  himself  to  a  common  mortal.  Whereas,  during  the 
Mosaic  dispensation,  no  man  could  see  God,  as  God  was  only 
the  Word,  and  became  flesh  and  man  only  after  the  resurrec 
tion  of  Christ,  antl  in  him.  So  it  was  the  perfect  truth  that 
"no  man  can  see  God  and  live,"  as  it  is  in  the  Old  Testament; 


FURTHER   EXPLANATION  67 

and  all  the  worthies  of  the  Mosaic  dispensation  saw  God  only 
in  dreams,  and  obscurely,  or  else  they  saw  angels  in  human 
form  as  messengers  sent  to  them  from  heaven,  and  they  con 
versed  with  the  persons  to  whom  they  were  sent  down.  Thus 
the  Scriptures  of  the  Mosaic  Dispensation  are  not  in  harmony, 
in  some  features,  with  the  Scriptures  of  the  New  Testament  of 
our  Saviour,  Lord  and  God  himself,  given  by  himself  and 
without  the  medium  of  another,  as  in  the  Old  Testament, 
through  Moses,  prophets,  and  seers.  This  the  religious  teach 
ers  ought  to  consider,  but  they  do  not. 

Further  on,  reading  the  New  Testament,  in  the  "Sermon 
on  the  Mount,'7  the  words  of  our  Saviour,  "Blessed  are  the 
pure  in  heart,  for  they  shall  see  God"  struck  my  mind  heavily. 
For  a  considerable  time  I  could  not  give  me  the  account  by 
which  I  would  be  able  to  harmonize  my  vision  of  the  Al 
mighty  Jehovah  with  the  above  words  of  the  Saviour  of  the 
world,  as  in  no  way  could  I  consider  myself,  even  for  a  mo 
ment,  to  be  pure  in  heart.  But  it  seemed  to  me  that  these 
words  of  our  Saviour  implied  the  sense  that  only  "the  pure  in 
heart"  can  "see  God."  And  I  saw  God,  as  it  was  whispered 
into  my  ear  that  the  human  form  which  I  saw  floating  in  the 
clouds  was  the  "God-Father  and  God-Son.''  After  a  long 
time  of  prayer  and  meditation  about  this,  it  was  given  me  to 
explain  it  in  this  way :  I  was  utterly  and  positively  innocent 
of  any  such  crime  as  would  demand  or  justify  the  infliction  of 
capital  punishment  upon  me;  but  I  was  very  often  subjected 
to  hear  the  gravest  accusations  which  would  justify  the  pun 
ishment,  and  that  this  highest  punishment  would  be  imposed 
upon  me;  in  consequence  of  which  the  idea  came  into  my  mind 
that  probably  the  Almighty  Providence  demanded  a  special 
sacrifice  to  be  offered  for  the  restoration  of  peace  in  this  our 
country,  and  the  preservation  of  the  republic.  As  I  was  walk 
ing  up  and  down  in  the  hospital  room  on  that  Sunday  morn 
ing,  and  as  it  came  to  my  mind  that  probably  I  was  selected 


68 

for  that  purpose;  as  I  utterly  did  not  know  of  committing 
such  a  crime  for  which  I  must  be  shot,  the  vision  of  the  Al 
mighty  "God-Father"  and  "God-Son"  appeared  just  then,  and 
in  the  very  moment  when  my  firm  resolution,  which  I  mental 
ly  uttered  to  my  own  self,  viz :  "If  I  knew  that  by  my  death 
the  war  would  be  ended,  peace  restored,  and  the  republic  pre 
served  ;  if  it  is  the  will  of  God  to  bring  about  such  sacrifice — if 
I  knew  all  this,  I  would  willingly  let  myself  be  condemned 
without  any  attempt  on  my  part  to  prove  myself  innocent." 
So,  as  I  was  innocent  of  committing  such  a  crime,  and  was 
willing  to  suffer  the  punishment  for  such  a  crime,  and  that 
for  the  sole  benefit  of  the  country  and  the  nation  at  large,  I 
was  recognized  as  being  "pure  in  heart"  in  that  respect;  and 
this  called  out  that  sublime  vision  of  the  Universal  Creator 
and  Ruler,  and  enabled  me  to  behold  it  at  that  time.  All  of 
these  events  were  described  above.  Besides  this  there  were 
many  other  explanations  conferred  upon  me  by  the  study  of 
the  Bible.  Some  of  them  will  be  stated  and  explained  further 
on  and  in  their  proper  places,  but  to  describe  all  would  de 
mand  too  much  writing,  and  be  almost  impossible  for  me,  so  I 
will  mention  only  those  which  are  more  weighty,  and  can 
give  more  benefit  to  mankind. 

Now,  I  am  obliged  to  state  here,  by  the  way,  that,  ever  since 
my  coming  into  the  factory  of  Messrs.  Sargent  &  Co.,  I  was 
again  subjected  to  all  sorts  of  insult,  abuse  and  persecution  by 
the  workers  in  the  factory.  As  I  had  to  be  at  the  gates  al 
ways  so  as  to  look  out  that  no  stranger  should  go  into  the  fac 
tory,  and  nothing  should  be  carried  out  without  permission 
from  the  proper  authorities,  so  at  the  time  of  coming  to  work, 
and  at  the  time  of  leaving  the  premises  after  quitting  work,  I 
was  constantly  exposed  to  all  kinds  of  insult  and  abuse.  And, 
as  I  had  to  look  around  the  premises  every  day  at  noon-time 
that  no  great  damage  should  be  perpetrated  wantonly  by  the 
boys  and  young  fellows  who  remained  on  the  premises  during 


ENDURES    INSULTS  69 

the  noon-hour,  having  their  dinner  with  them,  so  this,  too, 
augmented  thair  hatred  to  me,  and  also  gave  them  more  chances 
to  plague  and  abuse  me.  This  was  the  more  hard  to  bear,  as 
through  constant  hearing  I  became  more  able  to  understand 
the  English  language;  but  having  very  little  chance  to  speak, 
I  was  very  far  behind  with  mine  tongue  in  English;  so  much 
was  it  so  that  always,  when  I  began  to  tell  them  not  to  do  cer 
tain  things  because  it  was  wrong,  and  entailed  damage  to  the 
Company,  I  was  each  time  subjected  to  the  greatest  ridicule 
and  derision  in  consequence  of  my  poor  English.  And  to  use 
my  tongue  in  the  English  language  for  defending  myself  against 
abuse  and  insult  was  positively  out  of  the  question,  as  such  an 
attempt  would,  unquestionably,  make  the  thing  only  worse 
and  intolerable;  hence,  I  had  to  listen  to  everything  and  bury 
it  in  my  breast.  But  even  this,  instead  of  giving  me  some  re 
lief  or  amelioration  in  my  suffering,  rather  encouraged  all  ill- 
disposed  towards  me  to  augment  and  increase  their  insults  and 
abuse;  as,  probably,  in  my  silent  suffering  and  unresisting 
submission  to  all  their  wrongs,  they  saw  only  fear  on  my  part 
to  resist  wrong,  or  revenge  myself  for  insult  and  abuse.  So,  to 
all  the  previous  means  of  insult  and  abuse,  they  added  the 
benefit  of  cowardice  to  me.  In  these  very  often  almost  unbear 
able  conditions  I  remained  over  three  years3  during  which  time 
I  did  as  much  as  I  could  to  acquire  more  knowledge  of  Eng- 
glish  so  as  to  be  able  to  look  for  some  other  occupation. 

At  last  it  went  so  far  that  I  could  not  stand  it  any  longer, 
and  I  resolved  to  leave  the  factory.  So  one  evening,  going 
home  from  the  factory  together  with  Mr.  J.  B.  Sargent,  I  told 
him,  as  far  as  I  was  able,  all  about  my  condition  and  suffer 
ings,  of  which  he,  undoubtedly,  was  fully  aware.  And,  hav 
ing  told  him  the  abuses  and  insults  I  was  subjected  constantly 
to  suffer,  I  submitted  to  him  that  it  was  impossible  for  me  to 
stand  it  any  longer.  And  therefore  I  resolved,  because  I  am 
compelled  to  leave  his  factory  if  he  cannot  give  me  some  other 


70  SUNDAY    BIBLE    READING 

duty  where  I  would  not  be  so  exposed  to  insults  and  abuses. 
To  his  inquiry  what  I  possibly  could  do,  so  as  not  to  be  in  the 
way  of  the  laboring  men,  I  told  him  that  I  was  acquainted 
with  book-keeping,  and  that  my  progress  in  learning  English 
enabled  me  in  some  degree  to  undertake  such  work,  provided 
there  were  not  grave  or  great  responsibilities  and  trust,  adding 
that  if  he  could  give  me  such  kind  of  work  inside  the  office  I 
would  remain  with  him ;  but  if  not  then  I  am  obliged  to  leave 
his  employment.  To  this  he  answered  that  he  will  seek  to  find 
some  such  work  for  me,  as  he  wished  to  keep  me  in  his  em 
ploy  all  my  life,  if  I  would  like  it.  And  in  a  few  days 
after  this  conversation  I  was  given  a  position  to  keep  the  books 
of  account  of  time  of  the  mechanical  employes  and  the  ma 
terials  consumed,  and  had  to  work  in  the  office. 

Thus  my  condition  had  been  slightly  changed,  but  not 
much,  as  in  the  office  the  majority  of  the  assistants  were  j^oung 
men;  and,  if  they  did  not  openly  insult  me,  they  constantly 
laughed  at  and  ridiculed  my  English,  and  at  any  emergency 
were  conversing  among  themselves  about  me  derisively.  But 
this  I  could  bear  tolerably;  hence,  I  never  made  any  complaint 
against  them.  And  so  I  had  to  be  in  the  office  every  day  in 
the  week  and  the  year.  Every  Sunday  I  read  the  Bible  nearly 
all  day,  and  was  not  only  reading,  but,  more  properly  to  say, 
was  closely  studying  that  Book  of  books.  As  Mr.  Sargent 
nearly  every  Sunday,  either  before  noon  or  after  noon,  came 
into  the  office  to  write  letters,  he  saw  me  constantly  reading 
the  Bible.  And  on  one  Sunday,  coming  into  the  office  as  usual, 
and  finding  me  closely  reading  the  Bible,  he,  after  the  usual 
words  of  greeting,  said  tome,  "Mr.  Petroff,  it  is  hard  to  find 
another  such  decent  man  as  you  are."  And  upon  my  inquiry 
in  what  way  I  was  so  exemplary  a  man,  he  said:  "Because  I 
may  come  at  any  time  on  Sunday  here  into  the  office,  but  it  is 
a  sure  thing  that  I  will  find  you  reading  the  Bible."  To  this 
I  told  him  that,  in  my  opinion,  the  morality  and  decency  does 


STOP     DRINKING  71 

not  reside  in  reading  of  the  Bible,  but  in  the  obedient  carry 
ing  out  of  the  Bible's  teachings  and  commandments  in  our 
every-day  life;  without  this  all  our  reading  and  knowing  of 
the  Bible  will  not  only  not  benefit  us,  but  will  do  positive  in 
jury.  Upon  that  he  laughed,  but  did  not  say  anything  more 
on  this  subject. 

Now,  till  this  time  I  was  accustomed  to  drink  all  kinds  of 
intoxicants — beer,  wine,  liquors  and  everything  —  and  often 
drank  far  more  than  I  ought  to  permit  myself  to  drink,  and 
especially  on  Sunday  evenings,  as  I  belonged  to  a  German 
Sanger  Society,  which  held  every  Sunday  night  a  family  gath 
ering  for  conversation,  singing,  dancing,  and  especially  drink 
ing,  at  which  nights  I  drank  sometimes  too  much.  This,  un 
doubtedly,  was  communicated  to  Mr.  Sargent ;  and  on  one  Sun 
day,  coming  into  the  office,  he  began  to  give  me  advice  in  re 
gard  to  my  conduct,  and  especially  excessive  drinking  of  in 
toxicants.  He  made  this  very  polite  and  delicate,  and  more 
like  a  good  father  to  his  wayward  son  than  as  an  employer  to 
his  employe.  I  inwardly  admitted  and  consciously  approved 
all  his  words  of  advice  and  warning,  but  how  to  stop  drinking 
was  the  principal  dilemma.  If  I  continued  to  visit  the  Sun 
day  evening  festivities,  the  stopping  of  drinking  was  absolutely 
out  of  the  question.  I  could  not  remember  one  single  member  of 
the  Society  who  did  not  drink  more  or  less;  so,  being  among 
them,  it  was  utterly  impossible  for  me  to  abstain  from  drink 
ing.  But,  on  the  other  hand,  recognizing  the  words  of  Mr. 
Sargent  as  perfect  truth,  and  for  my  own  benefit,  I  was  very 
desirous  to  accept-and  follow  his  advice  by  quitting  the  drink 
ing  of  intoxicants  altogether.  In  consequence  of  this,  and  on 
mature  meditation  and  prayer,  I  concluded  to  discontinue  my 
visits  to  the  "Society  hall,"  and  also  the  frequenting  of  sa 
loons  and  other  drinking  resorts,  to  break  up  entirely.  Now,  I 
did  not  tell  any  one  single  man  about  the  words  of  advice  of 
Mr.  Sargent,  and  nobody  knew  anything  about  it;  hence,  after 


72  ABUSE 

my  discontinuing  the  visits  to  the  Society,  and  ceasing  to  go 
into  saloons  and  other  drinking-places,  all,  and  especially  the 
Germans,  concluded  that,  as  I  was  now  a  sort  of  book  keeper, 
I  had  become  too  proud  to  mix  myself  with  "common  mortals" 
of  the  mechanic  and  laboring  persuasion.  And  this  raised  a 
perfect  "bedlam"  of  abuse  and  insult  upon  me.  As  I  never 
revenged  myself  in  any  possible  way,  so  onlythe  "lame  one" 
did  not  give  me  a  kick  because  he  could  not;  but  all  others  be 
gan  to  persecute  me  to  their  hearts'  content.  So,  to  escape  as 
much  as  possible  from  persecution  and  pain,  I  resolved  to 
stay  in  my  room  in  the  evenings,  and  not  go  on  the  street  at 
all  without  an  urgent  necessity.  So,  every  evening,  after  hav 
ing  had  my  supper,  I  went  straight  to  my  room,  and  stayed 
at  home  reading  books  and  newspapers  every  day  in  the  week; 
month,  and  year.  Now,  as  every  intelligent  person  can  easily 
understand,  such  a  life  cannot  last  very  long:  the  whole  day 
and  every  day  in  the  week  in  the  office  at  work  in  writing  and 
figuring,  then  to  come  home  and  stay  all  the  evening  in  the 
room  reading,  with  only  the  exercise  of  going  to  the  office  in 
the  morning,  of  going  for  dinner  and  back  at  noon,  and  going 
home  in  the  evening;  and  in  addition  to  this  highly  injurious 
mode  of  life  for  the  physical  system,  there  were  constantly  in 
flicted  on  me  all  kinds  of  insults  and  abuses,  which  kept  me 
in  almost  constant  irritation  and  anger.  I  never  could  eat  my 
meals  at  such  times  when  many  were  at  the  table  with  me, 
and  often  had  to  leave  the  table  without  having  eaten  any 
thing,  except  drinking  one  or  two  cups  of  coffee  or  tea.  Now, 
this  condition  of  my  life  nearly  brought  back  my  mental 
troubles  experienced  in  the  army  life.  I  lost  my  sleep;  and? 
as  I  am  positively  sure,  because  I  counted  the  days  and 
nights,  at  one  period  of  time  I  did  not  sleep  for  twenty-eight 
consecutive  nights,  and  was  reduced  to  such  a  state  that,  as 
soon  as  I  began  writing  and  figuring  in  the  office,  the  sleepi 
ness  would  overpower  me  to  such  an  extent  that  the  pen  or 
lead  pencil  would  fall  out  of  my  fingers. 


SICK  73 

The  first  consequence  of  such  a  condition  showed  itself  in 
the  closing  of  my  bowels  and  the  inability  of  the  stomach  to 
digest.  So  much  was  it  so  that  at  that  time,  and  it  was  in  the 
summer  of  1869,  my  bowels  never  moved  oftener  than  once  in 
three  or  four  days,  and  very  often  once  in  five  or  six  days; 
and  a  few  times  it  went  so  far  that  my  bowels  did  not  move 
for  eight  days,  and  I  was  compelled,  at  such  instances,  to  take 
pills,  which  brought  about  the  moving,  but  with  such  excruci- 
ciating  pains  and  cramps  in  the  bowels  that  it  was  sometimes 
almost  impossible  to  stand.  Afterwards  came  the  constant  or 
every-day  cramps  in  the  stomach  and  bowels,  just  as  I  had 
them  in  the  field  six  years  previous.  But  this  time  they  came 
oftener  and  oftener,  and  when  the  cramps  attacked  me  there 
was  but  one  way  to  get  rid  of  them,  and  that  was  dropping 
the  work  to  walk  around  fast,  without  sitting  down  before  they 
were  over,  which  I  always  did  either  inside  the  factory  or  out 
side  in  the  fresh  air.  But  the  pains  and  cramps  came  oftener 
and  oftener,  although  I  tried  several  kinds  of  patent  medi 
cine,  and  consulted  doctors,  but  all  with  no  good  results;  till, 
at  last,  in  1874,  it  was  increased  to  such  an  extent  that  1  was 
unable  to  sit  fctill  at  reading  or  writing  more  than  half  an 
hour  at  a  time  without  getting  very  bad  cramps  and  pains  in 
my  stomach  and  bowels,  and  I  was  almost  unable  to  perform 
my  work  in  the  office.  At  that  time  I  was  recommended  to 
apply  for  assistance  to  Dr.  Wintshell,  an  American,  and  an  ex 
ceptionally  fine  and  conscientious  gentleman,  who  was  doctor 
and  surgeon  in  the  Northern  army  during  the  war  for  the  Un 
ion.  After  he  was  a  few  times  to  see  me  in  my  lodging,  he  ad 
vised  me  to  take  more  exercise  at  evenings  and  in  the  fresh 
air,  inviting  me,  at  any  time  I  would  be  disposed  to  do  so,  to 
come  to  see  him  in  the  office  at  his  residence,  adding  as  a  rea 
son  for  that  that  he  was  very  glad  to  have  some  conversation 
about  the  field  life  during  the  war,  as  he  had  been  in  the  field 
himself,  and  liked  to  recall  to  memory  as  much  as  possible"  of 


74  DR.  WINTSHELL'S  ADVICE 

the  different  events.  This  I  did  a  few  times;  but  as  to  talk  in 
English  it  was  for  me  but  too  hard,  and  demanded  from  me 
too  great  exertion  of  mental  force:  it  made  a  great  impression 
upon  my  too  weak  stomach  and  bowels.  So,  one  evening,  be 
ing  in  his  office,  "I  told  him  that  I  could  hardly  continue  to 
visit  him,  as  each  time,  after  my  visit  to  him,  I  felt  far  more 
pain  in  my  stomach  and  bowels,  and  could  not  sleep  nearly 
all  night.  After  thinking  a  few  minutes,  he  told  me:  "I  will 
tell  you  the  truth,  not  as  a  doctor  but  as  a  friend,  that  you 
cannot  recover  your  health  as  long  as  you  remain  in  your 
place  and  continue  your  occupation.  I  will  do  all  I  can  for 
you,  but  the  medical  science  has  no  fixed  means  to  eradicate 
your  troubles;  there  is  no  medicine  in  our  knowledge  which 
could  give  you  permanent  relief.  You  will  constantly  grow 
worse  and  worse  till  all  hope  for  recovery  will  be  out  of  reach. 
There  is  but  one  way  by  which  you  may  regain  you  health  so 
far  as  to  live  yet  for  several  years,  and  I  will  tell  you  the 
means  if  you  will  promise  me  not  to  .tell  anybody,  and  espe 
cially  a  doctor,  that  I  have  told  you.  You  may  inquire  of  any 
doctor  about  the  correctness  of  this  advice,  but  do  not  tell  him 
that  I  advised  you  to  do  it."  Having  received  from  me  the 
honest  promise  which  he  demanded,  he  said  to  me:  "The  way 
and  means  are  most  simple,  and  all  depends  upon  if  you  can 
carry  them  out.  That  is,  if  you  can  live  without  work  that  de 
mands  constant  and  careful  attention;  and  especially  in 
doors,  as.  yours  is.  Then  drop  your  occupation  as  soon  as  pos 
sible.  Go  somewhere  into  the  country,  and  into  a  region 
which  is  hilly  and  mountainous,  where  you  could  go  often  up 
hill  and  down  hill;  walk  every  day  as  much  as  you  can  with 
out  fatiguing  yourself  too  much.  Pass  your  time  as  well  as 
you  can,  be  careful  what  you  eat  and  what  you  drink,  and  es 
pecially  do  not  think  about,  and  do  not  worry  yourself  about, 
the  world  and  the  ugly  doings  of  men.  But  live  as  quiet  and 
steady  as  it  is  possible  for  you;  and  only  by  such  living,  posi- 


EIGHTEEN  DOLLARS  A  MONTH  75 

tively  according  to  the  laws  of  nature,  can  you  yet  recuperate 
your  health  even  so  far  as  to  be  able  to  live  for  many  years. 
But  if  you  will  remain  in  your  occupation,  I  can  tell  you  in 
advance  that  probably  after  but  a  few  months  you  will  be 
ready  for  boxing-up,  and  for  being  stowedMn  the  mother 
earth.  Believe  me  I  And  if  you  will  accept  my  advice,  and 
will  carry  it  out,  you  will  surely  see,  in  the  future,  the  truth 
of  my  words."  I  thanked  him  for  his  kind  advice,  and  went 
home;  and  since  that  time  I  never  have  been  in  his  office 
again. 

After  this  I  thought  often  and  much  about  this  advice, 
and  how  it  would  be  possible  for  me  to  carry  it  out.  But  it 
was  evident,  at  least  to  me,  that  I  had  no  means  to  carry  it  out. 
My  pension  for  the  loss  of  my  arm  was  only  eighteen  dollars 
per  month.  From  this  eighteen  dollars  I  had  to  lay  aside  five 
dollars  a  month  to  pay  the  premium  on  my  life-insurance 
policy  of  one  thousand  dollars,  to  which  I  was  persuaded  by 
others  in  the  factory,  insuring  my  life  in  1872  for  that  sum, 
and  having  to  pay  a  premium  of  about  sixty  dollars  a  year,  or 
five  dollars  a  month.  Now,  without  any  other  income,  this 
would  leave  me  but  thirteen  dollars  a  month  of  my  pension. 
And  to  live  on  that  sum  was  out  of  the  question  altogether.  I 
had  accumulated  a  few  hundred  dollars  which  I  had  deposited 
for  safe  keeping  with  Mr.  J.  B.  Sargent  &  Co. ;  but  this  money 
would  not  last  me  long,  eepecially  when  I  should  be  obliged  to 
have  anything  to  do  with  doctors  and  apothecaries.  So  it  was 
for  me  as  nearly  a  death  by  leaving  my  occupation  as  by  re 
maining  in  it.  In  this  condition  I  remained  about  three 
months,  constantly  going  from  bad  to  worse.  At  last  I  became 
so  bad  that  I  could  not,  on  an  average,  sit  still  at  my  work 
more  than  half  an  hour  at  a  time,  and,  indeed,  had  to  spend 
n  running  around  so  as  to  keep  the  cramps  away  almost  two- 
thirds  of  the  working  time;  but  for  my  life  I  could  not  help 
it;  as,  notwithstanding  this,  I  was  often,  so  to  say,  doubled  up 


76  TWENTY-FOUR    DOLLARS    A    MONTH 

by  the  cramps  and  pain  in  my  stomach  and  bowels,  and  had 
to  be  carried  home  in  a  wagon,  not  being  able  to  walk  on  the 
street. 

At  last  my  constant  prayers  were  heard,  and  the  Blessed 
Saviour  sent  help  to  me.  In  September,  1874,  I  read  in  the 
newspapers  that  our  pension  had  been  increased  to  twenty-four 
.  dollars  a  month;  receiving  this  intelligence,  I  calculated  that, 
leaving  five  dollars  a  month  for  the  payment  of  the  policy 
premium,  I  could  yet  have  nineteen  dollars  a  month  of  my 
pension,  which  money,  by  strict  economy,  would  probably  carry 
me  through  in  living  honestly  as  long  as  God  will  permit  me 
to  live.  So,  sending  my  pension  certificate  to  Washington  for 
exchange  to  the  higher  rate,  I  concluded  to  give  up  my  occu 
pation  as  soon  as  the  new  certificate  of  pension  should  be  fur 
nished  to  me.  That  new  certificate  I  received  in  October.  And 
in  the  same  month,  having  received  my  pension,  I  informed 
Mr.  Sargent  of  my  intention  to  leave  his  employment.  He, 
evidently,  was  much  astonished  at  this,  as  he  several  times  in 
previous  years  had  told  me  that  I  need  not  be  in  any  trouble 
about  my  future,  as  I  might  be  sure  that  I  could  stay  in  his 
employ  all  my  life,  or,  at  least,  as  long  as  I  choose  to  stay  with 
him.  So  he  began  to  bring  all  and  every  possible  means  to 
persuade  me  not  to  leave  his  employ,  promising  to  give  me 
larger  wages  if  I  was  not  satisfied  with  those  I  received.  But 
I  told  him  that,  in  regard  to  wages,  I  was  perfectly  satisfied, 
and  in  nowise  did  I  expect  to  receive  more  any  where  else.  But 
I  am  compelled  to  leave  him  on  account  of  my  inability  to 
work  in  consequence  of  the  cramps  and  pain  in  my  stomach 
and  bowels;  which  trouble,  undoubtedly,  is  much  augmented 
by  the  insults  and  abuses  I  had  constantly  to  suffer.  I  told 
him  all  about  the  advice  given  to  me  by  Doctor  Wintshell,  only 
withholding  the  name  of  the  doctor  in  fulfillment  of  my  prom 
ise  given  to  Doctor  Wintshell.  He  evidently  was  very  much 
affected  and  disappointed.  And  I  was  exceedingly  sorry  for 


QUITS    WORK  /  / 

him,  as  he  had  lost  his  wife  but  a  few  weeks  before,  and  was 
left  with  a  family  of  twelve  children,  the  youngest  of  them 
being  a  baby.  But  I  could  not  do  otherwise,  as  I  felt  but  too 
clearly  that  continuing  there  longer  was  nothing  less  than  to 
prepare  myself  to  be  "boxed  up"  ;  and  all  this  I  explained  to 
Mr.  Sargent,  asking  him  to  return  to  me  the  money  which  was 
in  his  safe  keeping,  but  which  belonged  to  me;  this  he  did  very 
unwillingly,  and  only  after  he  called  from  the  factory  a  Ger 
man  contractor,  by  name  Mr.  Ruff,  who,  coming  into  the  office, 
and  learning  the  case,  exerted  all  he  could  to  persuade  me  to 
remain,  to  whom  I  was  able  in  German  to  explain  all  the 
causes  which  compelled  me  to  leave.  So,  handing  to  me  the 
check  for  my  money,  he  said  to  me  that  I  should  not  fail  to 
write  and  notify  him  where  I  settled  myself  for  living,  and 
how  I  got  along.  So  I  turned  all  my  books  and  papers  over  to 
the  secretary  of  the  company,  Mr.  Baldwin,  and  bid  a  good- 
by  to  the  only  place  in  America  where  I  have  worked  for 
wages;  as,  till  the  time  of  this  writing,  nearly  twelve  years, 
since  then  I  am  still  utterly  unable  to  accept  any  responsibil 
ity  of  steady  work  on  account  of  the  pains  in  stomach  and 
bowels,  and  I  have  not  any  hope  ever  to  be  able. 

Now,  having  quit  all  my  connection  with  the  factory,  it 
was  the  next  thing  to  think  about  where  to  go.  As  I  was  in 
San  Francisco,  Cal.,  before,  and  as  I  knew  that  that  city  was 
of  seventy  mountains — in  comparison  with  Rome  of  seven 
hills — and  that  the  climate  there  would  give  me  the  best  op 
portunity  to  carry  out  the  advice  of  Dr.  Wintshell,  I  con 
cluded  to  go  to  California  the  second  time.  And,  as  I  con 
versed  some  time  with  one  of  my  friends — an  organist  and 
teacher  of  vocal  and  instrumental  music — a  German,  with  the 
name  F.  Lust,  about  California,  I  told  him  that  I  had  con 
cluded  to  go  to  San  Francisco  again,  and  he  expressed  his  de 
sire  to  go,  too.  So,  in  haste,  selling  some  things,  and  pack 
ing  up  all  we  could  carry  along,  we  started  for  New  York,  and 


78  GOES   TO   CALIFORNIA 

in  two  days  were  going  to  Aspinwall  on  board  the  steamer 
Colon.  To  describe  the  voyage  is  unnecessary,  except  to  say 
that  I  felt  on  water  much  better  than  I  expected  in  my  bad 
condition  of  health;  and  the  last  part  of  November,  1874,  we 
landed  in  San  Francisco,  Cal. 

After  having  carried  all  our  baggage  to  the  hotel,  the  next 
thing  was  to  find  private  lodgings.  My  friend,  Mr.  Lust,  made 
some  acquaintances  in  music  stores  (being  a  very  good  musi 
cian),  and  I  found  a  small  furnished  room  in  a  private  house 
in  the  family  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Pike,  313  Taylor  street,  in  which 
house  I  lived  nearly  four  years.  And  there,  soon  after  having 
properly  arranged  myself,  I  began  to  walk  around  every  day, 
and  all  day  and  evening.  There  was  no  rainy  or  stormy 
weather  bad  enough  to  prevent  me  from  leaving  the  house. 
And,  as  it  was  just  the  beginning  of  the  rain  season  when  we 
came  to  California,  it  was  but  too  hard  on  me  to  be  always 
walking  around  outdoors.  But  there  was  no  alternative.  As 
I  was  hardly  able  to  sit  still  inside  the  house  at  all,  so  I  had  to 
walk  around  outdoors  almost  the  whole  time  when  I  was  not 
in  bed.  Then,  also,  I  could  eat  but  very  little;  I  took  one 
meal  at  dinner-time  in  a  restaurant  for  25  cents  a  day,  and 
could  not  eat  the  half  of  what  was  given  to  me  for  that  small 
price;  and  for  breakfast  and  supper  ^1  ate  only  bread  with 
water  in  my  room,  the  stomach  being  unable  to  digest  anything 
more,  and  I  had  not  the  least  craving  for  anything  better. 

Now,  in  the  rainy  and  stormy  days  I  certainly  had  all  that 
I  could  do  to  protect  myself  with  an  umbrella;  but  in  the 
bright  and  sunny  winter  days  I  could  employ  my  time  with 
some  reading.  I  began  to  read  the  daily  newspapers,  but  very 
soon  I  got  tired  of  such  reading.  I  had  preserved  from  my 
life  in  the  army,  pocket  New  Testaments  in  English  and  in  the 
German  languages,  which  are  with  me  till  the  present  day. 
Now,  as  I  could  not  well  understand  the  English,  but  could  the 
German,  I  began  to  carry  in  my  pocket  constantly  the  little 


READS   TESTAMENT  79 

Testament  in  the  German  language.  And,  as  my  custom  was 
to  go  as  far  as  I  could  into  the  suburbs  outside  the  city  proper, 
I  always  did  go  either  into  the  Golden  Gate  Park,  which  was 
only  in  the  embryo  at  that  time,  or  into  one  of  the  cemeteries, 
arriving  in  one  of  which  places  I  always  found  a  convenient 
place  to  rest  for  half  an  hour,  during  which  time  I  diligently 
not  only  read,  but  studied,  the  New  Testament,  going  through 
it  from  the  first  page  to  the  last  many  times,  during  which 
reading,  at  every  difficult  passage,  or  any  conspicuous  verse  or 
command,  I  used  to  stop  the  reading,  and  meditated  about  that 
saying  or  statement. 

Then  I  concluded  to  change  my  common  method  of  read 
ing  by  opening  the  Testament  at  random,  and  beginning  to 
read  there  where  mine  eyes  fell  the  first  time  at  the  opening 
of  the  Book.  Now,  at  the  very  first  time  and  at  the  very  first 
morning  when  I  began  to  open  and  read  the  Testament  at  ran 
dom,  in  that  morning  opening  my  little  book,  mine  eyes  fell 
upon  Matthew  xvii:  5,  which  reads,  "This  is  my  beloved  Son, 
in  whom  I  am  well  pleased;  hear  ye  him."  Reading  the  Test 
ament  in  the  ordinary  way,  I  had  read  this  passage  perhaps 
more  different"  times  than  any  other  passage,  because  it  ap 
peared  to  my  mind  always  somewhat  strange  and  incompre 
hensible,  just  as  many  other  passages  containing  the  own 
words  of  our  Saviour;  but  this  time  the  above  words  struck  my 
mind  in  an  entirely  different  way.  It  appeared  to  me  that  in 
these  words  there  was  far  more  than  we  can  see  at  the  first 
sight.  So  I  began  to  read  those  words  over  again  and  again, 
thinking  and  meditating  upon  them ;  and  at  last  I  stopped  on 
the  words,  "hear  ye  him."  It  was  evident  to  me  that  these 
words  were  the  puzzle  which  troubled  my  mind,  so  I  began  to 
dissect  these  words  analytically  in  order  to  get  the  best  under 
standing  of  what  they  meant  to  convey  to  the  reader.  Doing 
so,  I  remembered  that  it  is  quite  the  usual  way  for  parents  to 
say  to  their  children,  "You  must'Aear  me/'  which  means  just 


80  PLEASANT   TO   OBEY 

as  if  it  was  said,  "You  must  obey  me" ;  or,  "You  must  do  what 
I  say.'!  It  is  a  common  thing,  also,  when  children,  having 
come  from  school,  begin  to  tell  their  father  or  mother  about 
the  order  and  arrangements  of  their  teacher;  for  the  father  or 
mother,  as  the  case  may  be,  to  tell  their  children,  "You  must 
hear  your  teacher" ;  which  means,  "You  must  obey  your  teach 
er";  or  "hear  ye  him" — the  teacher.  All  these  expressions 
meant  to  convey  one  and  the  same  thing:  "You  must  do  that, 
which  is  said  by  him,  who  is  in  authority." 

Now,  as  the  Almighty  Jehovah,  the  I  Am,  proclaimed 
from  the  clouds  that  Jesus  of  Nazareth,  our  God  and  Saviour, 
is  this  "beloved  Son,  in  whom  I  am,  God-Father,  well  pleased," 
adding  to  this  proclamation  the  peremptory  command  and 
law,  "hear  ye  him,"  which  means  nothing  less  than  "obey  ye 
him";  or  "Do  what  he  says" — what  "his  beloved  Son"  says 
and  commands.  So  it  is  positively  self-evident  that  every  one 
who  professes  to  believe  in  Christ  as  the  true  Messiah  and 
Saviour  of  the  world  must  obey  and  carry  out  in  every-day 
life  all  the  teachings  and  commandments  of  Christ,  as  they  are 
transmitted  to  us  through  the  Four  Gospels  and  partially 
through  the  Acts  of  the  Apostles — certainly  as  far  as  it  is  pos 
sible  for  us  to  do  so.  Having  come  to  this  light,  and  recalling 
to  my  memory  many  sayings  and  teachings  of  Christ  himself, 
as  they  are  recorded  in  the  Gospels,  I  came  more  and  more, 
and  at  last,  to  the  positive  conclusion  that  unless  man  willing 
ly  and  freely  obeys  Christ's  teaching  and  commandments  in 
his  every-day  life,  he  cannot  expect  anything  from  Christ. 
This  is  incontrovertible.  Who  can  expect  any  reward  for  will 
ful  disobedience  ?  And  no  one,  who  is  even  slightly  acquaint 
ed  with  the  teachings  of  the  Bible,  can  deny  that  non-observ 
ance  of  the  gospel  teachings  and  the  commandments  of  Christ 
is  open  disobedience  to  Christ,  and  at  the  same  time  open  dis 
obedience  to  the  will  and  law  of  his  Eternal  Father  "which  is 
in  heaven,"  as  he  solemnly  proclaimed  on  the  Mount  of  Trans 
figuration,  to  obey  His  beloved  Son  Christ. 


OBEY   AND    UNDEKSTAND  81 

After  having  arrived  at  this  conclusion,  I  resolved  to  read 
still  more  diligently  the  gospel  teachings  of  our  Saviour,  and 
noticing  and  remembering  all  his  teachings  and  command 
ments,  to.  observe  and  obey  them  freely  and  willingly  as  far  as 
the  world  would  allow  me  to  do  so.  I  must  now  confess  here 
openly  that,  in  the  beginning  of  this,  noticing  carefully  all  his 
teachings,  and  especially  the  so-called  "Sermon  on  the  Mount," 
it  appeared  to  me  that  no  man  could  follow  and  obey  that; 
but  afterwards,  gradually,  the  more  I  was  anxious  to  follow 
and  obey  his  teachings  and  commandments  the  easier  it  be 
came  for  me  to  follow  and  obey  them.  And  after  a  few  months 
of  steady  perseverance  in  obeying  his  gospel  teachings,  it  be 
came  for  me  not  only  easy  and  light  to  carry  them  out  in  my 
every-day  life,  but  I  gradually  began  to  feel  positive  pleasure 
to  follow  his  gospel  teachings  and  commandments,  and  at  the 
same  time  I  became  more  and  more  averse  to  doing  such 
things  or  acts  as  are  contrary  to  his  teachings. 

And  what  was  the  greatest  consequence  from  this  conduct 
of  mine  in  regard  to  obedience  to  him  and  to  his  teachings 
and  commandments  ?  This :  The  more  I  strove  and  exerted 
myself  to  follow  his  teachings  and  obey  his  commandments,  as 
I  found  them  recorded  in  the  Four  Gospels  and  Acts  of  the 
Apostles,  as  also  in  some  degree  in  the  Apostolic  Epistles,  the 
more  and  more  I  began  to  comprehend  by  heart  the  Saviour's 
teachings  and  commandments.  Before  that,  I  understood 
them  only  intellectually,  just  as  a  man  understands  any  and 
every  other  reading  of  science  or  knowledge;  but,  at  this  stage 
of  my  progress,  I  began  gradually  to  comprehend  the  inner 
worth  and  value  of  his  gospel  teachings,  which  is  in  the  moral 
and  physical  benefit  to  him  who  begins  to  obey  his  command 
ments  and  observe  his  gospel  teachings.  And  then  I  became 
more  and  more  fully  aware  of  the  stupendous  truth  of  his 
words,  viz. :  "My  doctrine  is  not  mine,  but  his  (Father's)  that 
sent  me."  If  any  man  will  do  his  (Father's)  will,  he  shall 
know  of  the  doctrine,  whether  it  be  of  God  or  whether  I  speak 


82  WITH    BISHOP    NESTOR 

of  myself."  (St.  John  vii:  16,  17.)  Now,  as  the  will  of  his 
Eternal  Father  "that  sent  him"  was  expressed  on  the  Mount 
of  Transfiguration  (quoted  above),  and  consisted  in  the  com 
mand  to  "hear,"  to  "obey,"  to  "follow"  his  belov 
ed  Son  Jesus  Christ,  so  obeying  Christ's  commandments 
and  observing  his  teachings  as  they  are  given  to  us  in  the  Four 
Gospels  and  the  Acts,  man  does  "the  will  of  his  Father 
which  sent  him"  into  the  world  to  teach  and  redeem  mankind, 
and  thereby  acquires  the  grace  to  be  enlightened  from  above 
and  "know  of  the  doctrine." 

And  I  had  but  too  ample  opportunity  to  verify  the  truth 
fulness  of  these  words  of  his.  As  the  Archbishop  of  the  Greek- 
Russian  Church,  Nestor,  with  whom  I  was  nearly  a  year  in 
the  capacity  of  private  secretary,  and  whom  I  had  to  help  in 
translating  sermons  of  the  most  distinguished  teachers,  from 
the  Russian  language  into  English  (to  be  delivered  in  the 
Greek-Russian  Church  by  him  in  English),  and  at  which  work 
I  had  opportunity  to  find  often  such  words  and  teachings  that 
were  positively  contrary  to  the  gospel  teachings  of  Christ  him 
self;  so,  as  I  had,  at  every  such  instance,  expressed  my  opinion 
that  this  teaching  was  incorrect,  Bishop  Nestor  always  at 
such  times  demanded  from  me  explanation  and  proof  that  the 
teaching  in  that  sermon  was  erroneous.  And,  to  satisfy  him, 
and  advance  the  gospel  teachings  of  Christ  at  the  same  time,  I 
explained  everything  according  to  the  gospel  teachings  of 
Christ  himself,  and  quoted  Christ's  own  words  for  proof,  from 
the  Gospels;  and  on  one  such  occasion  he  listened  to  my 
explanations  with  exceptional  attention.  When  I  had  finish 
ed  my  explanations,  he  fell  backwards  in  his  large  easy-chair 
with  the  exclamation  and  a  deep  sigh,  "0  God  Almighty, 
how  wonderful !  how  wonderful  !"  Being  in  some  degree  sur 
prised  by  his  words,  I  asked  him,  "Your  Eminence,  may  I  ask 
you  what  is  so  wonderful  to  you  ?"  To  which  he  answered 
"It  is  most  wonderful  to  me  how  well  you  understand  the 
Scriptures." 


TALK   WITH    A    PRIEST  83 

Now,  these  were  words  spoken  by  a  church  prelate  who  at 
tained  almost  the  highest  degree  of  eminence  in  the  Greek- 
Russian  church,  and  whose  greatest  delight  and  pastime  was 
in  reading  and  studying  the  writings  of  the  fathers,  reading 
the  Bible,  and  intermittent  delivery  of  prayers.  But  he  ex 
pressed  the  profoundest  wonder  about  my  knowledge  of  the 
Scriptures.  And  here  I  may  add  this — that  before  I  began  to 
go  into  the  Russian  church,  and  became  acquainted  with  him, 
I  was  not  in  any  church  for  nearly  twenty  years,  neither  was 
I  a  reader  of  any  religious  journal  or  paper ;  but  all  that  knowl 
edge  came  simply  by  reading  the  New  Testament,  and  through 
obedient  following  of  the  Saviour's  gospel  teachings,  and  car 
rying  out  his  commandments  in  my  every-day  life. 

On  another  occasion  one  of  the  priests  of  the  Russian 
church,  having  come  to  see  me  in  my  humble  place  of  living, 
sitting  and  conversing  about  the  Scriptural  teachings,  and 
about  the  different  teachings  of  the  respective  church  denom 
inations  of  the  Christian  religion,  he  said  tome:  "If  I  will  not 
be  too  inquisitive,  hence  impolite,  I  wish  to  ask  you  where 
you  received  your  education  and  such  diverse  knowledge  ?  " 
Not  knowing  the  cause  and  aim  of  this  inquiry,  I  imitated  the 
Saviour  in  giving  his  answer  to  the  Scribes  and  Pharisees,  who 
liked  to  know  by  what  authority  he  performed  his  works  and 
doings,  and  answered  him  by  a contra-inquiry  thus:  "If  it  will 
not  look  presumptuous,  hence  impolite,  I  would  wish  to  know 
the  motive  and  reason  of  your  inquiry,"  to  which  he  said:  "I 
am  more  than  a  good  deal  interested  to  know  where  about  or  in 
what  institution  you  acquired  such  knowledge  of  the  Scriptural 
teachings  which  you  exhibit  in  conversation  ?  "  Accepting  it 
in  some  degree  as  flattering,  I  laughed  and  answered  in  some 
jocular  way,  "In  a  Russian  theological  seminary. "  This 
brought  a  laugh  on  his  part,  and  then  he  said:  "No,  that 
cannot  be.  I  was  educated  and  graduated  in  the  best  theologi 
cal  seminary  in  Russia,  and  after  graduating  from  the  semi- 


84  EXPLAINS    THE    BIBLE 

nary  I  went  through  the  theological  academy,  and  know  per 
fectly  well  how  and  what  these  institutions  teach  and  instruct; 
it  is  entirely  different  from  your  knowledge."  Then  I  saw  fit 
to  satisfy  his  desire,  and  told  him  thus :  "If  you  sincerely  and 
indeed  believe  in  Christ  as  your  God  and  Saviour,  you  must 
unquestionably  believe  in  the  words  and  sayings  recorded  in 
the  Four  Gospels  and  the  Acts  of  the  Apostles  as  his  (Christ's) 
own  words.  Then,  if  you  believe  in  all  his  words  as  coming 
from  our  Eternal  Father  and  the  Creator  of  all  ('mine  doctrine 
is  not  mine,  but  his  who  sent  me,'  his  Eternal  Father),  you  will 
find  there  and  then  that  he  says:  'Who  will  do  the  will  of  my 
Father  which  is  in  heaven,  he  shall  know  of  my  doctrine,'  etc. ; 
this  gives  us  incontrovertible  proof,  provided  we  believe  sin 
cerely  in  his  words  that  there  is  a  way  and  means  by  which 
we  can  arrive  at  far  superior  knowledge  of  the  Scriptural  teach 
ings  than  by  means  of  man's  theological-seminary  education. 
Now,  he  says  that  'Who  will  do  the  will  of  my  Father,'  etc. — 
this  means  'who  will'  obey  and  carry  out  in  every-day  life  the 
words  of  command  and  law  of  his  Father — 'shall  know  of  my 
doctrine'  ;  and  in  the  same  Gospels  of  Christ  you  will  find  the 
will  and  the  law  of  his  and  our  Eternal  Father,  pronounced  on 
the 'Mount  of  Transfiguration'  in  the  following  words:  'This 
is  my  beloved  Son  in  whom  I  am  well  pleased ;  hear  ye  him/ 
The  words  'hear  ye  him'  mean  'obey  ye  him,'  or  'do  all  he 
says'  ;  this  no  believer  can  deny.  Hence,  it  is  clearly  evident 
that  we  must  obey  and  observe  everything  and  all  which  he 
teaches  in  the  Four  Gospels  and  the  Acts,  and  do  this  in  obedi 
ence  to  his  command  to  'observe  all  things  whatsoever  I 
(Christ)  have  commanded  you,'  etc.  (Matt,  xxviii :  20.)  There 
fore,  if  we  follow  his  teachings  and  obey  his  command 
ments,  as  we  find  them  recorded  and  transmitted  to  us  in  the 
Four  Gospels  and  the  Acts  as  his  own  words,  we  'shall'  and  we 
will  'know  his  doctrine,'  his  teachings,  far  better  than  we  can 
acquire  that  knowledge  by  means  of  human  education.  All 


OBEY    AND    KNOW  85 

human  education  goes  into  man  through  the  intellect.  But 
this  education  comes  from  the  'uncreated  light' — the  Saviour's 
own  Spirit  of  'light  and  life' — which  operates  upon  the  heart 
of  man,  and  man  becomes  able  to  perceive  the  truth  with  his 
heart,  and  then  communicate  his  discovery  to  the  intellect, 
which,  in  its  turn,  stores  it  away  in  the  faculty  called  'the  mem 
ory,'  and  preserves  it  for  future  use.  This  is  what  the  Apostle 
Paul  expresses  in  his  Epistle,  saying,  'Spiritual  things  are  dis 
cerned  spiritually/  and  not  by  mental  or  intellectual  com 
munication  from  other  human  beings.  Now,  as  I  have  for 
several  years  past,  and  till  now,  striven  to  obey  his  (the 
Saviour's)  teachings  and  commandments,  and  that  in  obedi 
ence  to  his  last  command  before  his  ascension  (Matt,  xxviii: 
20),  and  without  caring  much  what  the  different  Christian  (?) 
churches  teach  and  demand  to  obey;  so,  in  positive  accordance 
with  his  promise  (to  know  his  doctrine),  I  receive  more  and 
more  light  upon  the  Scriptural  teachings  from  him,  and 
through  his  Spirit  of  light  and  life.  'My  words  are  Spirit,  and 
they  are  life,"  says  the  Blessed  Saviour.  That  is  the  cause  and 
the  whole  secret  why  I  know  the  Scriptural  teachings  quite 
different  than  all  you  great  theologians  and  public  instructors 
know  and  understand  them.  That  this  is  a  naked  truth  every 
one  can  find  out  for  himself;  all  he  has  to  do  is  this:  (1)  To 
believe  sincerely  that  the  Saviour  of  the  world,  Jesus  Christ,  is 
the  Eternal  Father  (Jehovah,  I  Am)  himself,  having  lived  in 
human  flesh  and  form  among  men  on  earth.  Before  his  in 
carnation  and  glorification,  God  was  only  a  Spirit,  known  to 
man  only  by  the  word  'God'  ;  but  after  his  life,  passion,  resur 
rection  and  the  glorification  of  his  body,  and  his  ascension 
with  that  body  into  the  realms  of  eternal  life,  God  becam6 
known  to  man  not  only  by  word,  but  by  a  glorified  human 
form  in  Christ  Jesus;  (2)  believing  in  him  as  the  Universal 
Creator  and  Ruler  (St.  John  i:  1,  2,  3,  4,  14),  as  well  as  the 
Saviour  of  mankind,  believe  also  that  all  the  words  which  are 


86 


OBEY    AND    KNOW 


recorded  in  the  New  Testament  are  his  own  teachings  and  com 
mandments,  indeed;  (3)  believing  in  the  first  and  second 
points  as  a  matter  of  unquestionable  necessity,  observe  all  his 
teachings,  and  obey  all  his  commandments  (as  they  are  given 
to  us  in  the  New  Testament),  and  there  is  no  doubt  whatever 
that  every  such  one  will  attain  to  the  same  knowledge  of  the 
Scriptures,  and  probably  far  greater,  than  I  possess.  That  is 
all  I  can  tell  you  now-''  Having  satisfied  his  curiosity,  and 
probably  having  received  some  new  views  upon  the  Scriptures, 
we  conversed  for  awhile  longer,  and  then  he  departed. 


CHAPTER   III 

This  conversation,  and  that  with  the  Archbishop  Nestor, 
happened  in  1880  and  1881;  but  we  have  to  go  back  in  our 
description  to  1876.  Now,  as  it  was  said  previously,  I  con 
tinued  to  walk  around  outdoors  every  day  from  early  morning, 
and  every  evening  till  bed-time.  And  I  may  add  here  that  it 
is  exceedingly  wonderful  to  me  how  I  could  stand  all  that,  as 
many  an  evening,  in  the  winter  season,  during  the  heaviest 
rainstorm  and  wind,  I  came  home  all  wet  and  muddy  outside, 
and  wet  to  the  bone  inside  from  perspiration,  and  so  wet  and 
so  weak  and  cast  down  that  I  had  a  very  faint  hope  to  leave  my 
bed  on  the  next  morning.  And  very  often,  also,  in  the  morn 
ing  I  felt  almost  even  more  tired  than  I  was  the  preceding 
evening.  But  there  came  always  some  shining  and  clear  days, 
when  I  was  able  to  resume  my  reading  of  the  New  Testament, 
and  this  gave  me  powerful  help  and  stimulus  for  recuperation. 
And  in  my  room  at  home  I  spent  about  two  hours  every  day  in 
fervent  prayer,  which  practice  I  continue  till  the  very  present 
day. 

So  passed  the  year  1875.  And  in  the  summer  of  1876  I 
began  to  feel  somewhat  better,  as  I  could  sit  a  little  longer  at 
a  time,  and  the  cramps  and  pain  in  the  bowels  were  not  so 
severe  as  they  were  before,  and  so  I  could  sit  still  longer  at  a 
time,  and  was  enabled  to  read  and  study  the  teachings  of  our 
Saviour  so  much  better.  And  as  I  diligently  strove  to  follow 
his  teachings,  and  obey  his  commandments  in  my  intercourse 
and  actions  towards  my  fellow-men  in  my  every-day  life,  I  per 
ceptibly  and  consciously  could  see  my  progress  in  understand 
ing  the  gospel  teachings.  And  the  more  I  strove  to  follow  and 


88  AN    EVENING    IN    SEPTEMBER 

obey  his  teachings  and  commandments,  the  more  rapidly  I  be 
gan  to  comprehend  them. 

One  evening  in  September,  1876  (the  date  I  cannot  re 
member),  I  came  home  as  usual  about  9  P.  M.  Meeting  in  the 
hall  Mrs.  Pike  and  her  oldest  daughter,  Miss  Annie,  I  conversed 
with  them  a  few  minutes,  and  then  went  to  the  second  floor 
into  my  room.  I  occupied  a  very  little  room,  with  one  window 
to  the  street  and  eastward — so  small  a  room  that  the  bedstead 
took  more  than  half  the  space  in  the  room;  and  the  bed  stood 
with  the  foot-board  close  to  the  window;  hence,  lying  in  bed, 
my  face  and  eyes  were  towards  the  window  and  eastward,  and 
the  window  had  outside  blinds  and  inside  shades,  and  the  room 
had  but  one  door  opening  to  the  stair  gangway.  So,  coming 
into  the  room,  and  lighting  a  candle  (as  I  did  not  use  the  gas), 
I,  as  usual,  closed  securely  first  the  blinds,  and  then,  shutting 
the  window,  pulled  down  the  shade.  Then,  undressing  myself, 
I  sat  awhile  in  meditation  and  contemplation  about  everything 
I  had  done  and  spoken  on  that  day,  to  see  if  I  haven't  done 
anything  against  the  Commandments,  or  even  the  teachings  of 
our  Saviour.  Then,  after  having  rested  awhile  in  that  way,  I 
undressed  myself  finally,  performed  my  evening  prayer  as 
usual,  and  putting  out  the  candle  went  to  bed.  The  room  was 
pitch  dark,  so  that  not  the  least  idea  was  there  to  see  anything. 
As  the  past  day  and  evening  were  of  very  fine  weather,  I  was 
less  tired  than  usual,  and  did  not  feel  very  sleepy.  So,  lying 
upon  my  back,  with  my  eyes  wide  open,  but  not  seeing  the 
least  thing  in  the  room,  I  began  to  recall  to  my  memory  some 
prayers  in  the  Russian  language,  and  mentally  prayed,  repeat 
ing  them.  Doing  this,  my  eyes,  all  at  once,  were  attracted 
by  something  shining,  having  appeared  about  above  the  win 
dow.  Looking  at  that  spot  closely,  I  saw  distinctly  that  it 
slowly  took  the  form  of  a  perfect  circle,  having  the  size  of 
about  one  foot  in  diameter,  and  the  hoop  itself  about  two 
inches  broad;  it  was  a  bright  yellow  or  golden  color,  emitting 


A   VISION  89 

from  itself  a  little  shine  (nimbus)  inside  and  outside  of. the 
circle.  It  appeared  in  perfect  shape,  and  recognizable  above 
my  feet  and  not  far  from  the  ceiling,  just  about  five  feet  above 
my  body  (as  far  as  I  was  able  to  judge  in  that  darkness),  and 
moved  very  slowly  along  the  whole  length  of  my  outstretched 
body;  and,  having  come  straight  above  my  head,  it  became 
stationary,  and  remaining  in  that  place  for  several  seconds,  if 
not  minutes,  it  finally  disappeared.  Now,  being  somewhat 
surprised  with  this  phenomenal  appearance,  and  thinking 
closely  about  what  could  possibly  produce  such  an  appearance, 
my  eyes  were  again  attracted  to  another  bright  spot  which  ap 
peared  apparently  in  the  very  same  place  as  the  former.  This 
time  that  bright  spot  resolved  into  a  perfect  form  of  a  bird, 
somewhat  smaller  than  a  dove.  I  could  distinctly  see  the  head 
with  outstretched  neck,  outstretched  wings  and  tail,  as  of  a 
flying  dove;  but  neither  head  and  neck,  nor  the  wings  or  tail, 
were  in  motion.  And,  just  as  it  became  in  all  outlines  the  form 
of  a  bird,  it  began  to  float  slowly  above  my  body  towards  my 
head,  just  in  the  same  way  as  the  bright  circle  did;  but  the 
head,  neck,  wings  and  tail  remained  without  motion.  Then, 
coming  just  above  my  head,  and  in  the  very  same  place  where 
the  circle  disappeared,  it  stopped  to  float;  and,  remaining 
awhile  stationary,  as  the  circle  did,  it  finally  disappeared  also. 
Here  I  am  obliged  to  deviate  again  from  the  proper  line 
of  description,  in  order  to  give  a  better  understanding  of  the 
following  events.  In  all  these  twelve  years,  since  the  vision 
in  the  dispensary  in  1864  (as  described  above)  till  this  time  in 
1876,  I  very  often  was  thinking  about  the  following:  All 
Christian  churches  teach  the  trinity  of  the  Godhead  as  con 
sisting  of  three  persons  in  one  God.  In  this  I  was  instructed 
from  my  childhood.  Now,  in  my  vision  in  the  hospital  dis 
pensary  in  1864  I  saw  with  open  eyes  and  in  broad  daylight 
one  majestic  human  form,  which,  at  the  very  same  time, 
through  the  mysterious  whisper  into  my  ear,  I  was  informed 


90  THAT    NIGHT 

was  -the  "God-Father"  and  ''God-Son" ;  so  I  have  seen  two  per 
sons  of  the  Trinity,  and  that  in  one  human  form.  But,  ac 
cording  to  the  teachings  of  the  Christian  churches  there  re 
mains  yet  one  (the  third)  person  of  the  Holy  Trinity,  the  per 
son  of  the  Holy  Ghost-  So,  each  time  I  was  thinking  and 
meditating  about  this,  I  always  asked  myself  mentally,  Will 
I  ever  attain  the  favor  and  grace  to  know  this  mystery  by  see 
ing  the  person  of  the  Holy  Ghost  ?  But  I  must  add  here  that 
on  this  evening  I  did  not  think  about  this  at  all;  neither  can  I 
recollect  of  having  meditated  about  this  during  that  same  day. 
Now,  just  after  the  vision  of  that  shining  golden  ring,  and 
right  after  it  of  the  form  of  a  bird  of  the  same  color  and  bright 
ness,  it  struck  my  mind  that  this  appearance  is  the  Holy 
Ghost  (Spirit).  I  affirm  here  that  this  was  not  said  to  me  so 
as  to  be  heard  by  the  natural  organ  of  hearing  (ear);  but  it 
was  impressed  upon  my  mind  so  powerfully  and  real  that  I 
was  at  once  almost  positively  convinced  that  it  was  the  Holy 
Spirit  indeed.  As  this  idea  impressed  itself  upon  my  mind, 
in  the  greatest  haste  I  jumped  out  of  my  bed,  and  falling 
upon  my  knees  I  began  to  pray.  Then,  after  but  a  few  min 
utes  of  my  prayer,  I  began  to  feel  heat  by  my  whole  body,  as 
if  a  great  fire  was  near  me,  or  as  if  I  was  in  hot  water  or  in 
steam.  After  that  my  whole  body  began  to  perspire,  and  with 
such  an  unnatural  perspiration  that  it  is  for  me  utterly  im 
possible  to  describe  adequately.  I  can  say  only  that  the 
tears  ran  out  of  my  eyes  as  they  never  did  before,  and  the  wa 
ter  of  perspiration  ran  down  my  whole  body  as  if  it  was  pour 
ed  over  my  head,  and  in  a  very  few  minutes  all  my  clothes  I 
had  on — two  shirts  and  drawers — were  wet  as  if  I  came  from 
out  the  water,  and  I  began  to  feel  chilly;  and  so  quick  came 
the  change  from  intense  heat,  which  caused  that  unnatural 
perspiration,  to  a  chilling  cold,  that  in  a  very  few  seconds  I 
was  shaking  with  chill  and  could  not  pray  any  longer.  So  I 
ceased  to  pray,  and  raising  myself  up  I  intended  to  light  my 


THE    MORNING  91 

candle  so  as  to  be  able  to  change  the  wet  clothes  I  had  on  for 
dry  ones;  but  I  was  so  trembling  from  the  chill  that  I  was  ut 
terly  unable  to  find  the  matches.  So,  in  haste  again,  I  jump 
ed  into  my  bed,  and  covered  myself  all  over  my  head,  and 
having  done  so,  in  a  very  few  seconds  I  fell  asleep,  and  into 
such  a  deep  and  sound  sleep  that  I  cannot  remember  of  having 
slept  so  sound  ever  before  or  after  that  night.  As  long  as  I 
can  recall  to  memory,  all  my  life  I  had,  and  have  now,  to  get  up 
several  times  during  the  night  for  natural  purposes;  but  this 
night  I  never  woke  up  one  single  time,  arid  it  seemed  to  me  v 
that  I  slept  the  whole  night  without  even  once  moving  from 
one  side  of  the  body  upon  the  other.  But,  awaking  in  the 
morning,  and  far  later  than  I  usually  rose  up,  I  found  myself 
literally  as  if  in  a  pool  of  water.  Not  only  my  shirts  and 
drawers,  but  even  all  the  bed  clothes  were  wet,  as  if  they  were 
all  night  exposed  outdoors  under  a  heavy  fog  or  dew.  And, 
as  it  was  not  warm  in  the  room,  when  I  got  out  of  my  bed  I 
visibly  noticed  some  kind  of  steam  rising  up  from  my  bed 
clothes  and  from  my  own  clothes  I  had  on  when  I  rolled  up 
the  window  shade.  So,  as  quick  as  I  could,  I  took  out  dry 
clothes,  and  taking  off  the  wet  ones  put  on  the  dry.  Then  I 
went  through  my  usual  morning  work  and  performance,  not 
feeling  in  the  least  anything  unusual  in  myself,  except,  prob 
ably,  it  seemed  to  me  that  I  felt  somewhat  easier  than  usual, 
which  I  attributed  that  time  to  the  exceptionally  sound  sleep 
and  nightly  rest.  So,  performing  my  morning  prayers  as  usu 
al,  and  having  taken  my  luxurious  breakfast  of  bread  and  wa 
ter,  after  which  I  felt  much  stronger  and  refreshed,  I  dressed 
myself  up  and  went  out  for  a  walk  as  usual.  But  as  soon  as  I 
came  out  the  front  door  on  the  street,  I  felt  consciously  and 
visibly  a  radical  and  complete  change  in  my  mental  condition, 
and  it  was  so  great  and  strange  that  I  was  involuntarily  com 
pelled  to  remain  for  some  time  standing  motionless  at  the 
door,  looking  around  the  street  in  all  directions. 


92  VERY    WEAK 

Now,  I  had  lived  in  this  house  nearly  two  years  at  that 
time,  and  had  passed  along  the  street  several  times  every  day, 
so  that  every  house,  tree,  fence,  and  all  other  objects  were  to 
me  as  familiar  as  even  the  objects  in  my  own  room.  But  now, 
looking  across  the  street,  along  the  street  to  the  right  and  to 
the  left,  every  object  which  fell  under  my  sight  looked  entire 
ly  and  positively  different  from  its  appearance  to  my  eyes  be 
fore.  I  was  astounded  to  such  a  degree  that  I  remained  in 
one  place  for  several  minutes,  looking  around  the  street  and  at 
my  own  self,  wondering  what  was  the  matter  with  the  street, 
my  eyes,  or  my  senses.  As  was  stated  previously,  I  lived  at 
that  time  at  313  Taylor  street,  between  O'Farrell  and  Ellis 
streets,  and  my  usual  custom  was  to  go  along  Ellis  street  at 
least  to  Van  Ness  avenue,  if  not  further,  as  at  that  time,  above 
Van  Ness  avenue,  Ellis  street  was  in  a  rough  condition,  and 
had  but  few  decent  houses.  So,  on  that  morning,  after  the 
first  impression  of  wonder  had  somewhat  subsided,  I  started 
towards  the  corner  of  Ellis  street,  and  then,  turning  to  the 
right,  proceeded  along  that  street  towards  Van  Ness.  As  I 
looked  on  both  sides  of  that  street  going  along,  I  saw  clearly 
that  Ellis  street  was  in  the  same  bad  fix  as  Taylor  street;  ev 
erything  on  that  street  was  just  as  much  different  as  every  ob 
ject  on  Taylor  street.  But  this  was  not  all.  Very  soon  I  be 
gan  to  be  aware  that  my  physical  condition  underwent  some 
kind  of  change  also.  The  first  thing  I  noticed  was  that  I  be 
gan  to  feel  tired  passing  just  a  few  blocks  only,  when  before 
that  morning  I  could  walk  four  times  as  far  without  feeling 
fatigued  so  much  as  I  did  on  that  morning.  And  it  was  so 
far  that,  just  passing  Van  Ness  avenue,  and  coming  to  large 
vacant  lots  on  both  sides  of  Ellis  street,  I  went  into  the  vacant 
field,  and  seeing  a  large  stone  or  rock  I  sat  down  to  take  a  rest. 
Then  I  was  as  tired  as  if  I  had  walked  several  hours  already, 
although  I  was  not  more  than  half  an  hour  on  the  street. 

Now,  as  was  stated  previously,  I  had  carried  in  my  pock- 


SOMEWHAT   BETTER  93 

et  every  day  a  small  pocket  New  Testament  in  the  German 
language  for  reading;  so,  on  this  morning,  I  had  that  little 
Book  of  books  with  me  also.  And,  having  sat  down  on  that 
rock,  I  took  out  my  little  Testament  and  opened  it  for  reading ; 
but,  to  my  greater  surprise,  I  could  not  read  either.  That  is, 
I  could  read,  but  for  my  life  I  could  not  collect  my  senses  so 
far  as  to  be  able  to  understand  what  I  read.  I  tried  to  read 
in  several  different  places,  opening  the  Testament  at  random, 
but  to  no  change  whatever.  I  could  not  understand  what  I 
read,  hence  it  was^utterly  useless  to  read.  Then,  resting  my 
self  for  awhile,  I  started  again  to  walk  further,  but,  in  a  short 
time  began  to  feel  fatigued  again;  and,  at  the  same  time,  I  be 
gan  more  and  more  to  be  aware  that  I  was  very  unsteady  upon 
my  legs.  I  walked  nearly  as  unsteady  as  a  child  that  has 
shortly  begun  to  walk  alone;  and,  as  at  least  it  appeared  to  me 
afterwards,  I  was  looking  at  everything  with  such  innocent 
wonder  and  curiosity  as  does  a  little  child  that  comes  out  on 
the  street  in  the  morning.  So  I  walked  all  day,  having  to 
rest  myself  far  oftener  than  usual,  and  feeling  constantly  far 
more  tired  than  any  day  before;  and,  although,  trying  to  read 
the  Testament  several  times,  I  could  not  succeed  in  under 
standing  what  I  read.  In  the  afternoon  I  came  home,  and,  as 
I  found  my  room  in  nearly  the  same  condition  and  aspect  as  I 
found  everything  outdoors — that  is,  everything  looked  in  some 
way  different,  as  it  did  not  look  before — I  began  to  fear  that  my 
senses  were  giving  way  from  their  normal  condition ;  so  I  be 
gan  to  pray,  but  could  not  perform  that  in  a  proper  way  eith 
er.  At  my  walk  in  the  evening  I  could  not  perceive  so  much 
difference  in  the  appearance  of  the  objects  I  saw,  but  I  became 
tired  and  worn  out  far  sooner  than  on  any  evening  previous, 
though  the  weather  was  calm  and  lovely.  So  I  returned  home 
earlier  than  usual,  and  went  to  bed  right  after  performing  my 
evening  prayers,  which  were,  to  myself,  unsatisfactory  also. 

The  next  morning  I  felt  a  little  more  strong,  but  coming 
out  on  the  street  I  beheld  the  same  chaos  and  confusion  which 


94  MENTALLY    BETTER 

presented  itself  to  my  sight  the  previous  morning.  But  at 
this  time  it  was  somewhat  less  surprising,  and  I  did  not  stop 
long  to  scrutinize  things  I  looked  at,  but  went  my  way  to 
walk  around,  just  keeping  a  sharp  notice  how  steady  or  un 
steady  I  was  in  my  walking;  and  pretty  soon  I  became  aware 
that  my  unsteadiness  of  yesterday  did  continue  to-day.  And 
at  the  first  opportunity  to  sit  down  to  take  some  rest  I  tried 
to  read  my  little  Testament,  but  with  just  the  same  effect  as 
on  the  previous  day;  and  I  began  to  be  discouraged  more  and 
more,  not  knowing  the  cause  of  such  a  phenomenal  change  in 
my  condition.  Coming  home  that  afternoon  still  more  alarm 
ed  about  losing  my  senses,  I  concluded  to  make  a  trial  by 
writing  a  half  sheet  of  free  and  random  composition,  intend 
ing  to  read  it  the  next  day;  and  I  put  that  paper  into  the  bu 
reau  drawer.  But,  instead  of  reading  it  the  next  day,  I  forgot 
all  about  it,  and  found  that  paper  only  some  two  weeks  after 
wards;  and  I  forgot  it  so  completely  that  when  I  found  it  I 
wondered  what  it  contained,  but  reading  it  I  gradually  recol 
lected  that  I  had  written  it  myself,  and  on  the  second  after 
noon  of  my  troubled  condition.  The  evening  passed  about 
the  same  as  the  previous  one,  only  I  could  walk  around  still 
less  than  the  former  evening. 

The  third  morning  did  not  bring  any  change  for  the  bet 
ter;  but  it  seemed  to  me  that  I  gradually  grew  still  weaker 
and  more  unsteady  in  walking.  That  afternoon,  going  still 
around,  I  began  to  notice  some  change  in  my  mental  condition. 
The  objects  under  my  eyes  began  to  shape  themselves  into  a 
more  normal  aspect ;  and  I  began  to  be  more  conscious  about 
where  1  was  and  what  I  saw.  So  passed  that  afternoon  and 
evening.  The  next  (fourth}  morning,  coming  out  on  the  street, 
I  right  away  vividly  noticed  a  great  change  for  the  better.  The 
whole  street  looked  nearly  as  usual,  and  I  experienced  a  great 
deal  of  comfort.  But,  going  around,  I  soon  became  aware  that 
the  mental  improvement  seemed  at  the  expense  of  the  physical, 


MENTALLY    AND    PHYSICALLY    BETTER  95 

as  I  felt  even  more  weak  than  on  the  previous  three  days,  and 
I  became  tired  still  sooner.  Sitting  down  to  rest,  I  took  out 
my  pocket  Testament;  and,  to  try  my  ability  to  read,  I  opened 
the  cover  and  began  to  read  the  title  page.  But  it  did  not  go 
satisfactorily,  as  I  could  not  yet  collect  my  senses  suffi 
ciently  to  understand  what  I  read.  The  next  (fifth)  morning 
I  felt  better  yet  mentally,  but  not  physically,  as  I  was  even 
more  weak  on  my  legs,  and  shaky,  than  the  other  day,  and 
could  walk  around  but  very  little.  And,  oh,  how  I  was  thank 
ful  to  my  Saviour  that  on  these  days  the  weather  was  moder 
ate  and  calm,  without  any  heavy  winds  or  gales,  as  they  are 
almost  constantly  blowing  in  San  Francisco  !  I  was  pretty  sure 
that  I  could  not  keep  upon  my  feet  in  any  considerable  strong 
wind,  and  it  seemed  to  me  that  any  boy  could  cause  me  to 
tumble  down  by  giving  me  a  hard  push.  On  the  sixth  day  I 
found  a  radical  change  in  me;  the  streets  and  all  other  objects 
looked  as  normal  and  usual  as  they  appeared  to  me  before  this 
trouble,  and  I  felt  a  good  deal  stronger  and  steadier  in  walk 
ing.  In  the  afternoon  of  that  day  I  met  on  Mason  street  my 
friend,  the  teacher  of  music,  Mr.  Lust,  with  whom  I  came  to 
California.  After  having  conversed  awhile  I  told  him  that  I 
felt  a  strange  weakness  in  my  legs,  so  much  so  that,  walking 
around,  sometimes  I  felt  so  unsteady  as  if  I  was  intoxicated, 
at  which  he  laughed,  but  did  not  say  anything;  and  it  appear 
ed  to  me  as  if  he  had  in  mind  that  it  was  the  result  of  liquor, 
after  all.  But  I  must  affirm  here  positively  that  at  that  time 
of  my  life  I  did  not  drink  one  single  drop  of  intoxicants  for 
several  months  before  and  after.  But,  as  he  did  not  say  any 
thing  about  that,  so  I  did  not  feel  any  necessity  to  speak  any 
more  about  it,  and  soon  we  parted.  That  was  but  one  single 
occasion,  in  which  I  mentioned  so  much  about  my  condition 
at  that  time;  and  so  passed  still  three  days  more,  till  I  became 
fully  strong  and  normal  mentally  and  physically.  But  on 
these  three  days  I  could  not  read  the  Testament  yet,  although 
I  tried  to  read  every  day,  but  always  without  any  success. 


96  A    TEXT    HAS    NEW    MEANING 

Now,  on  the  ninth  day,  coming  out  on  the  street,  I  felt 
myself  almost  as  a  new  man,  or  a  man  who  had  become  fully 
recovered  from  a  serious  sickness.     As,  since  my  troubles  be 
gan,  for  nine  consecutive  days  I  was  utterly  unable  to  go  so 
far  as  the  cemeteries;  so  that  morning,  feeling  myself  strong 
and  normal,  I  concluded  to  go  to  the  Laurel  Hill  Cemetery,  as 
I  had  done  so  often  before.     Coming  there,  and  to  my  custom" 
ary  place  of  rest,  I  sat  down,  and  took  out  my  German  pocket 
New  Testament.     As  I  said  before,  my  custom  was  to  read 
the  Testament  at  random;  that  is,  opening  it,  to  begin  to  read 
just  there  where  the  eyes  fell  upon,  and  then  proceed  further. 
So,  without  any  preconceived  idea  whatever,  opening  the  Tes 
tament,  my  eyes  fell  upon  John  v:  iii — "Jesus  answered,  Verily, 
verily,  I  say  unto  thee,  except  a  man  be  born  of  water  and  of 
the  Spirit,  he  cannot  enter  into  the  kingdom  of  God."     As  I 
read  these  words,  my  mind  was  struck  in  some  strange  man 
ner,  although  I  had  read  these  words  many  times  before,  and 
they  were  not  new  to  me;  yet  this  time  they  seemed  to  con  tain 
in  themselves  something  unusual,  and  I  felt  some  kind  of  alarm 
or  uneasiness.     Then  I  continued  to  read  further:  "That  which 
is  born  of  the  flesh  is  flesh ;  and  that  which  is  born  of  the  Spirit 
is  spirit,''  and  "Marvel  not  that  I  said  unto  thee,  Ye  must  be 
born  again."     Now,  as  I  read  these  lines  through,  I  became  so 
strangely  disturbed  and  agitated  that  I  could  not  read  any 
further.     Hence,  I  began  to  think  and  meditate  about  these 
words  of  our  Saviour.     Then  all  at  once  it  burst  upon  my 
mind  the  whole  event  of  my  experiences  and  condition  of  the 
last  nine  days — the  vision  in  the  evening;  the  overpowering 
heat,  and  through  that  heat  the  unnatural  perspiration,  which 
caused  me  to  become  wet  all  over,  as  if  I  emerged  out  of  the 
jvater;  and  also  caused  me?  on  awakening  the  next  morning, 
to  find  myself  in  bed  as  having  been  exposed  all  night  under 
rain  or  heavy  fog,  all  bed-clothes,  and  those  I  had  on,  being 
wet  and  damp  as  having  been  in  water ;  then  the  strange  men- 


HEART    KNOWLEDGE  97 

tal  and  physical  condition  during  the  several  days  after  that 
night,  when  many  a  time  it  seemed  to  me  that  I  was  mentally 
and  physically  in  an  utterly  childish  condition.  All  these  cir 
cumstances  and  events  passing  quickly  through  my  mind 
somewhat  bewildered  me.  But,  then,  right  away  I  remem 
bered  the  words  of  John  the  Baptist:  "I,  indeed,  baptize  you 
with  water  unto  repentance;  but  he  that  cometh  after  me  is 
mightier  than  I — he  shall  baptize  you  with  the  Holy  Ghost 
and  with  fire'7  (Matt,  iii:  11;  Luke  iii:  10;  Mark  i:  8).  And 
thinking  about  these  words  of  John,  in  connection  with  my 
last  vision  and  experiences,  it  became  to  my  mind  even  more 
clear  and  comprehensible  than  it  would  be  if  it  was  ex 
plained  to  me  by  any  human  words  and  comparisons  that  all 
my  experiences  of  these  last  days  was  nothing  less  than  the 
realization  of  these  words  of  our  Saviour  and  of  John  the 
Baptist.  And  afterwards,  reading  the  New  Testament,  in  many 
other  passages  I  was  confirmed  in  this  conclusion  so  far  that  I 
became  fully  convinced  of  it. 

Now,  after  this  I  began  to  read  the  New  Testament,  and 
especially  the  Four  Gospels  of  our  Saviour's  teachings,  with 
still  closer  attention;  and  the  more  attentively  I  read  the  own 
words  of  instruction  of  our  Saviour,  the  more  I  got  the  desire 
to  observe  his  teachings,  and  obey  his  commandments  in  all 
my  doings  and  conduct  of  every-day  life.  And  the  more  I 
observed  and  carried  out  his  teachings  and  commandments  in 
my  every-day  life,  the  more  I  advanced  and  progressed  in  com 
prehending  the  teachings  of  the  Scriptures  by  heart;  and  this 
in  addition  to  my  previous  understanding  of  them  by  my 
head  alone.  This  was  the  whole  secret  which  puzzled  some. of 
the  teachers  of  the  Christian  religion  (as  was  stated  above),  how 
and  whereabout  I  acquired  my  knowledge  of  the  Scriptural 
teachings.  So,  the  more  I  advanced  in  comprehending  the 
Scriptures,  the  more  I  became  able  to  see  and  perceive  the  sub 
lime  truth  contained  in  the  words  recorded  as  the  own  words 


98  DO    AND    KNOW 

of  God,  the  Saviour,  Jesus  Christ.  It  gradually  dawned  upon 
my  mind,  and  became  clear  and  comprehensible,  in  what  way 
the  words  of  our  Saviour — viz.:  "If  any  man  will  do  his 
•(Father's)  will,  he  shall  know  of  the  doctrine"  this  teachings), 
•etc.  (St.  John  vii:  17.)  And,  as  it  was  made  clear  to  me  also 
that  the  will  of  his  and  our  Heavenly  Father  was  expressed 
tm  the  Mount  of  Transfiguration  from  out  the  clouds — viz., 
"Hear  ye  him,"  his  "beloved  Son,"  Jesus  Christ  (Matt,  xyii: 
5;  Mark  ix:  7;  Luke  ix:  35)— so  it  is  undeniable  to  any  and 
every  believer  in  him  that  all  a  Christian,  as  a  follower  of 
Christ,  has  to  do  is  to  know  Christ's  teachings  and  command 
ments  ;  and,  having  acquired  that  knowledge,  to  observe  and 
obey  his  teachings  and  commandments.  Doing  that,  the 
Saviour  himself,  by  means  of  his  Holy  Spirit  (the  "Com 
forter,"  the  "Spirit  of  Truth"),  will  be  the  Instructor  and 
Leader  of  such  a  believer  in  him. 

And  here  is  where  the  "faith"  which  is  "saving  faith" 
comes  in.  He  who  observes  all  his  teachings,  and  obeys  his 
commandments,  proves  by  his  deeds  and  actions  that  he  be 
lieves  in  Christ  and  has  full  faith  in  him;  then  no  man  will 
conscientiously  observe  Christ's  teachings  and  obey  all  his  com. 
mandments  who  does  not  believe  in  him.  On  the  other  hand, 
he  who  professes  ever  so  much  his  belief  in  Christ  and  his 
faith  in  Christ,  but  violates  Christ's  teachings  and  command 
ments,  voluntarily  and  wantonly  proves  by  his  own  deeds  and 
actions  that  he  does  not  have  any  faith  in  Christ  at  all;  or  he 
is  falsely  instructed  by  his  religious  teacher  (as  so  many 
churches  teach  indeed)  that  all  man  needs  is  to  have  faith  in 
Christ  and  he  will  be  saved.  This  is  positively  and  utterly 
contrary  to  all  the  teachings  of  Christ  himself,  and  of  all 
his  apostles  also.  And,  indeed,  such  teaching  does  not  consti 
tute  religious  teaching  at  all,  as  religion  is  solely  for  the  pur 
pose  to  change  the  life  and  actions  of  man  from  living  and 
acting  by  his  own  sweet  will  and  desire  to  living  and  acting  in 


HEBREWS    AND     CHRISTIANS  99 

conformity  with  the  will  and  law  of  his  Creator  and  Saviour. 
But  who  will  change  his  life  and  actions  if  he  has  been  assured 
that  he  will  inherit  eternal  life  and  happiness  by  only  pro 
fessing  his  belief  and  faith  in  Christ  with  words,  without 
proving  his  faith  by  obedient  observance  of  Christ's  teachings 
and  commandments  ?  Such  a  thing  is  nothing  more  than 
childish  expectation.  And  that  is  the  sole  cause  that  there  is 
no  visible  difference  between  a  Christian  church  member  and 
a  Hebrew.  And  many  of  the  last  are  even  far  better  members 
of  society  than  very  many  of  the  first. 

So  I  continued  to  walk  around  for  improving  my  health 
every  day;  and  at  each  resting-place  continued  to  read  my 
little  New  Testament,  with  the  principal  aim  to  learn  more  of 
that  which  he  commands  us  to  do  and  observe,  and  of  that  which 
he  forbids  us  to  commit.  And  the  consequence  of  this  was 
that  the  more  I  learned  of  his  will  and  law,  the  more  I  became 
desirous  to  obey  and  observe  his  teachings;  and  the  more  I 
compelled  myself  to  obey  his  teachings  and  commandments, 
the  easier  and  lighter  the  observance  of  them  became  for  me. 
Thus,  advancing  and  progressing  gradually,  I  soon  became 
aware  that  my  inner  disposition,  desires,  inclinations,  and  my 
character  in  general,  underwent  a  radical  change,  and  a  change 
decidedly  for  the  better ;  and  so  much  it  went  so  that  it  became 
a  positive  pleasure  for  me  to  do  as  much  as  I  possibly  could 
of  deeds  in  conformity  with  the  gospel  teachings,  and  abstain 
from  all  that  the  Gospels  forbid.  And  so  I  went  along  without 
any  remarkable  event  till  1879. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

In  August,  or  September,  of  1879,  I  chanced  to  read  in 
the  paper,  Evening  Post,  a  long  article,  in  which  was  described 
the  services  in  the  Greek-Russian  church  in  San  Francisco,  lo 
cated  on  Greenwich  street,  between  Stockton  and  Dupont. 
Never  having  had  any  opportunity  to  meet  a  Russian  in  San 
Francisco,  I  was  somewhat  surprised  to  learn  that  here  was  a 
Russian  church.  So,  taking  careful  note  about  the  place,  I 
concluded  the  very  next  Lord's  Day  to  go  there  to  find  that 
church,  and  see  for  myself  how  much  of  a  Russian  church  it 
was.  Accordingly,  on  the  next  Sunday  morning  I  went  out 
there,  found  the  church,  and  attended  the  services  (mass),  and 
to  say,  by  the  way,  the  first  time  after  nearly  twenty  years 
since  I  left  Russia.  In  the  same  article  of  the  Evening  Pout  it 
was  said  that  a  new  bishop  was  coming  from  Russia  for  this 
diocese;  so,  after  the  mass  was  over,  going  out,  I  inquired  of 
the  sexton  if  the  bishop  has  come,  and  received  the  answer 
that  he  has  arrived  in  New  York,  but  how  soon  he  will  be  here 
nobody  knew  for  certain.  So,  leaving  the  church,  I  resolved 
to  visit  it  every  Sunday  as  far  as  it  will  be  possible  for  me,  and 
at  any  opportunity  to  become  acquainted  with  the  priests,  as 
I  was  acquainted  with  many  in  Russia. 

Thus  I  began  to  visit  a  place  of  worship  again  after  some 
twenty  years  of  interval;  and  every  Lord's  Day  I  was  in  the 
church  I  inquired  about  the  expected  arrival  of  the  newly- 
appointed  Bishop,  as  I  felt  but  too  deep  longings  to  find  a  man 
with  sufficiently  acute  belief  and  faith  in  our  Saviour,  Jesus 
Christ,  and  in  the  Scriptural  teachings,  to  warrant  a  confidence 
and  surety  not  to  use  it  injuriously  to  the  cause  of  the  Re- 


ANXIOUSLY    EXPECTS   THE    BISHOP  101 

deemer,  if  I  confided  or  imparted  to  him  the  visions  which  I 
had  seen,  the  words  I  had  heard  not  from  human  mouth,  and 
the  experiences  I  had  lived  and  received  during  the  last  years 
since  1876.  Then,  I  must  add  here,  ever  since  the  time  of  my 
first  vision  in  the  hospital  in  1864,  very  often  I  felt  but  too 
strong  a  desire  and  deep  longing  to  communicate  it  to  some 
one  else.  And  only  the  fear  of  God  as  to  my  revealing  this 
secret  very  easily,  that  it  might  be  taken  in  a  perverted  sense, 
and  used  for  injury  to  the  religion  of  Christ  and  his  work  of 
redemption,  constrained  me  to  hold  the  secret  concealed;  and 
not  infrequently  I  had  to  brace  up  all  my  moral  and  mental 
strength  not  to  betray  the  secret  even  unintentionally.  And 
for  that  purpose  I  was  so  impatient  about  the  arrival  of  the 
Bishop,  naturally  expecting  to  find  in  him  such  a  person  as  I 
was  desirous  to  find  for  my  purpose — more  likely  in  him  than 
in  any  other  ecclesiast  here  in  America. 

A  few  weeks  after  my  beginning  to  visit  the  church,  one 
Sunday  morning,  coming  to  hear  the  mass,  I  was  informed  by 
the  sexton,  Rasloff,  that  the  Bishop  has  arrived,  and  is  in  the 
altar,  behind  the  screens ;  and  if  I  wish  to  become  acquainted 
with  him,  I  may  do  so  after  the  services  are  over.  So,  after 
the  mass,  I  remained  in  the  church,  waiting  for  his  coming 
out.  After  giving  him  time  to  exchange  words  with  some 
others,  who  remained,  like  me,  to  see  him,  I,  in  my  turn,  ap 
proached  him  and  introduced  myself  to  him.  Seeing  that  I 
had  but  one  arm,  he  asked  me  how  I  lost  the  other;  and  as  I 
told  him  that  I  had  lost  it  in  the  war  for  the  Union  of  States 
in  1864,  he  said  that  he  was  in  1863  in  New  York  harbor  with 
the  Russian  Esquadre,  under  the  command  of  Admiral  Lyszow- 
sky,  was  acquainted  with  very  many  Americans,  and  saw  sev 
eral  of  them  this  time  in  New  York.  He  conversed  with  me 
until  he  got  tired  standing  in  one  place,  and  excused  himself 
on  that  acount ;  he  asked  my  promise  to  come  to  see  him  as 
soon  as  he  had  moved  from  the  hotel,  where  he  was  staying 


102  MEETS    THE    BISHOP 

temporarily,  into  a  permanent  residence.  And  on  the  next 
Sunday  he  handed  to  me  his  address  card,  telling  me  that  he 
needed  to  speak  more  to  me,  and  wished  to  see  me  in  his  resi 
dence  as  soon  as  it  is  possible  for  me.  So  in  the  same  week  I 
visited  him  in  his  house  at  1311  Taylor  street,  and  became  not 
only  acquainted,  but,  as  far  as  it  is  possible  in  such  different 
positions  of  life,  became  closely  befriended.  I  found  out  that 
he  was  born  and  educated  in  St.  Petersburg,  too;  and  I  was 
acquainted  and  in  friendly  relations  with  two  of  his  cousins, 
and  knew  his  uncle,  General  Baron  Zass.  He  told  me,  also, 
that  he  served  his  monastic  apprenticeship  in  a  branch  monas 
tery,  only  three  miles  outside  of  St.  Petersburg,  under  the 
guidance  and  instruction  of  a  venerable  friar  monk,  Father 
Paisey,  whom  I  knew  also,  as  I  very  often  was  in  that  monas 
tery  for  attending  a  liturgy,  and  was  also  acquainted  with  some 
monks.  Then  he  told  me  that  he  intended  to  translate  from 
a  book  in  the  Russian  language  into  English,  sermons  of  the 
most  eminent  Russian  divines,  to  deliver  them  in  the  church 
in  the  English  language,  as  very  many  Greeks  and  Slavonians 
did  not  understand  Russian;  but  all,  more  or  less,  understood 
English.  "But  this  work,"  he  said,  "he  was  unable  to  do 
alone,  as  he  knew  but  very  little  of  the  English  language." 
He  knew,  besides  Russian,  perfectly  well  French,  some  Ger 
man,  Slavonian,  Greek  and  Latin,  but  very  little  of  the  Eng 
lish  ;  so  he  desired  to  know  if  I  could  help  him  out  in  this  dif 
ficulty.  Having  explained  to  him  my  condition  of  health,  or 
rather  sickness,  I  told  him  that  if  the  work  would  not  neces 
sitate  me  to  sit  very  long  at  a  time,  and  if  my  inadequate 
knowledge  of  English  would  be  of  any  help  to  him,  I  would 
cheerfully  lend  my  feeble  help  in  this  dilemma.  Then  he  said 
to  me  that  he  wished  to  engage  me  as  his  private  secretary,  as 
he  was  receiving  many  letters  from  Protestant  clergymen,  and 
other  persons,  in  the  English  language,  all  of  which  he  was 
unable  to  answer,  and  he  would  like  to  have  me  to  answer 


BECOMES  PRIVATE  SECRETARY  103 

them.  Besides  that,  he  had  in  his  house  a  few  sons  of  priests 
from  Alaska,  whom  he  placed  in  the  public  school  for  educa 
tion,  and  which  boys  could  not  understand  a  word  of  English; 
eo  he  wished  me  to  give  them  lessons  in  English,  as  far  as  I 
could,  to  enable  them  so  much  sooner  to  understand  their 
teachers  in  the  school.  All  this  I  accepted  to  fulfill  as  far  as 
my  constitution  would  permit,  and  my  own  poor  knowledge 
of  English  would  enable  me.  Then  he  asked  me  how  much  I 
would  wish  to  receive  as  remuneration  for  my  work  and  trouble, 
to  which  I  answered  that  I  was  perfectly  willing  and  ready  to 
do  all  that  without  any  pecuniary  recompense  whatever.  To 
this  he  replied  that  he  in  nowise  can  accept  so  much  work 
without  paying  for  it,  as  his  means  are  incomparably  larger 
than  my  means.  I  had  confessed  to  him  already  that  I  was 
compelled,  in  consequence  of  my  sickness,  to  live  on  my  pen 
sion  of  $24  a  month  alone.  So  he  said  if  I  would  feel  satis 
fied,  he  would  gladly  pay  me  $25  a  month  for  my  work  for 
him.  This  I  certainly  accepted  with  thanks;  and,  having 
settled  all  other  details,  as,  at  what  time  and  in  what  days  of 
the  week  to  come  to  him,  I  left  him,  and  after  a  few  days  be 
gan  my  work  in  his  house,  and  continued  this  duty  for  nearly 
ten  months,  coming  to  him  three,  four  and  sometimes  five  times 
in  a  week,  which  was  for  me  very  often  not  an  easy  thing  to 
perform,  as  I  was  unable  to  sit  so  long  without  exercise  in  the 
fresh  air. 

Now,  coming  to  him  so  often,  and  in  the  capacity  of  a 
private  secretary,  I  had  the  best  opportunity  to  see  and  judge 
for  myself  about  the  degree  of  his  knowledge,  belief  and  faith 
in  the  Scriptures  and  the  teachings  of  our  Saviour.  Translat 
ing  the  sermons  from  a  large  book  in  the  Russian  language, 
delivered  at  different  times  by  the  greatest  teachers  of  the 
Greek-Russian  church,  I  often  came  across  some  teachings  that 
were  grossly  in  disharmony,  and  not  infrequently  in  positive 
contradiction,  to  the  teachings  of  our  Saviour,  as  these  teach- 


104  DISCORDANT    TEACHING 

ings  and  commandments  of  him  are  handed  to  the  world  by 
the  apostles.  And  so  I  began  to  call  his  attention  to  these  dis 
cordant  teachings.  And,  as  he  always  could  not  see  any  un 
truth  in  them,  I  had  to  quote  to  him  the  very  words  of  our 
Saviour  from  the  Gospels,  and  explain  to  him  the  proper  appli 
cation  of  these  words  of  Christ  to  man's  every-day  life.  Then, 
seeing. that  I  was  right,  judging  by  the  words  of  the  Gospels, 
he  always  consented  that  the  teachings  in  the  sermon  were 
erroneous,  but  said  that  he  wished  to  translate  and  deliver  the 
sermons  just  as  they  are  in  the  original;  and  so  it  was  done 
and  left  without  any  correction.  Now  this  state  of  things  hap 
pened  with  every  sermon  that  we  translated,  and  in  many  ser 
mons  the  errors  were  but  too  frequent  and  gross.  I  could  give 
many  instances  of  such  discussions  and  explanations,  but  it 
will  take  too  much  time  and  space  to  describe  them.  But,  for 
the  benefit  of  my  fellow-men  that  seek  for  more  truth  and 
light,  I  will  describe  here  one  notable  conversation,  which  is 
more  instructive  than  others. 

One  morning,  being  occupied  with  translating  a  sermon,  I 
asked  him:  "Your  eminence,  I  wish  to  ask  you  about  some 
thing  in  order  to  know  if  I  am  correct  or  not."  "What  is  it  ?  " 
said  he.  To  which  I  answered:  "I  have  asserted  always  that 
every  word  of  teaching  and  commandment  that  the  Saviour 
spoke  to  his  disciples,  the  apostles,  he,  in  the  very  same  man 
ner,  speaks  to  every  individual  of  the  whole  human  race; 
whoever  will  have  the  opportunity  to  read  them  from  the  Tes 
tament,  or  hear  them  spoken  by  another  man.  Is  it  correct 
or  erroneous  ?  "  I  asked.  "It  is  perfectly  correct;  if  we  read 
his  words  in  the  Gospels  or  in  the  Acts  of  the  Apostles,  we 
must  consider  them  as  being  spoken  to  ourselves,"  he  answered- 
Then  I  asked  him;  "Is  it,  therefore,  unquestionable  that  we 
are  bound  to  obey  and  observe  everything  which  he  admon 
ishes,  demands  and  commands  us  to  obey  and  observe  ?  "  To 
this  he  answered,  "This  is  perfectly  correct,  too."  After  this 


ASKS   THE    BISHOP    A   QUESTION  105 

I  opened  the  New  Testament,  and  read  to  him  the  following: 
'  'And  Jesus  came  and  spake  unto  them,  saying,  All  power  is 
given  unto  me  in  heaven  and  in  earth.  Go  ye,  therefore,  and 
teach  all  nations,"  etc.  "Teaching  them  to  observe  all  things 
whatsoever  I  have  commanded  you,"  etc.  Having  read  this 
last  command  of  our  Saviour  (Matt,  xxviii:  18,  19,  20),  I  told 
him:  "Now,  your  eminence,  I  desire  to  ask  you  is  there  any  de 
nomination  of  the  Christian  religion  in  the  world  that  obeys  this 
command  of  our  Saviour — the  greatest  of  all  commands  in  the 
Bible,because  it  covers  all  his  Messianic  work  on  ear  th— by  teach 
ing  'all  things  whatsoever'  he  has  taught  and  commanded  ?"  To 
this  question  there  came  no  reply;  but,  with  a  sigh,  he  fell  into 
meditation.  Seeing  his  perplexity.  I  told  him:  "Your  emi 
nence,  I  do  not  need  an  answer  to  this  question;  I  know  that 
there  are  none,  and  know,  too,  that,  as  there  is  no  church  that 
teaches  all  that  Christ  commanded  to  teach,  there  is  no  nation, 
neither  any  community,  in  the  world  that  conducts  its  affairs 
in  conformity  with  the  teachings  and  commandments  of  our 
Saviour.  Hence,  there  is  no  true  Christianity  in  the  world; 
only  here  and  there  some  isolated  individuals  that  strive  to 
conduct  their  lives  and  actions,  as  much  as  it  is  possible  for 
them,  in  accordance  with  the  gospel  teachings  and  command 
ments  of  Christ;  and  this  not  in  consequence  of  the  teachings 
of  the  church  to  which  they  belong,  because  the  church  does 
not  teach  that  at  all,  but  solely  by  and  through  the  awaken 
ing  of  their  individual  conscience  by  close  reading  of  the  gos 
pel  teachings  of  Christ.  I  know  it  perfectly  well  that  no  bishop 
or  priest,  either  in  the  Greek  Catholic  or  in  the  Roman  Catholic 
church,  dare  to  obey  this  command  of  Christ;  as  the  former 
has  in  the  person  of  the  Czar  of  Russia,  and  the  latter  in  the 
person  of  the  Pope  of  Rome,  a  far  greater  and  severer  master 
than  Jesus  of  Nazareth;  and  the  Protestant  ministers  of  the 
gospel  (?)  in  the  monarchical  countries  to  a  great  extent  cannot 
obey  this  command  of  our  Saviour  either,  as  the  monarchical 


106  THE    CHURCH    TEACHES    ONLY    IN    PART 

system  of  civil  government  is  positively  an ti- Christian,  the 
teachings  of  Christ  being  pure  heavenly  democracy.  But  how 
is  it  in  this  country  of  universal  freedom,  where  the  civil  gov 
ernment  is  established  in  conformity  with  the  gospel  teachings 
of  Christ  himself  ?  I  do  not  say  this  for  the  accusation  of  any 
one,  but  solely  for  the  benefit  of  those  concerned.  As  the  evan 
gelists'  record  in  the  Gospels,  the  own  words  of  our  Saviour 
are  fearfully  close  of  application  in  regard  to  this  matter." 
To  all  this  the  Bishop  gave  no  answer;  neither  expressed  any 
opinion  of  his  own.  Discussions  and  conversations  of  such  a 
character  we  had  nearly  every  time  when  occupied  with  the 
translation  of  the  sermons.  And,  undoubtedly,  these  conver 
sations  and  explanations  of  the  gospel  teachings  and  command 
ments  of  Christ  brought  out  from  his  bosom  the  exclamation 
of  wonder — described  in  some  place  previously — that  I  under 
stood  so  remarkably  well  the  Scriptures.  It  is  of  little  use  to 
mention  here  any  more  of  our  conversations  about  the  Bible 
teachings.  I  will  state  here  only  that  the  more  I  became  ac 
quainted  with  him,  the  more  I  saw  his  deep  belief  in  the 
Scriptures,  but  only  such  a  belief  and  faith  as,  in  some  de 
gree.  I  had  possessed  before  my  above-described  regeneration- 
But,  nevertheless,  his  belief  and  faith  in  the  Saviour  of  the 
world  was  far  greater  and  profounder  than  I  ever  had  discerned 
in  any  other  ecclesiast,  whether  in  Catholic  or  Protestant  de 
nominations. 

Now,  I  am  obliged  to  deviate  some  from  my  proper  course 
of  deposition.  Ever  since  I  recovered  from  my  sickness  and 
came  out  from  the  hospital  in  1864,  always  when  I  meditated 
about  the  sublime  vision  of  "God-Father  and  God-son,"  I  felt 
a  profoundly  deep  and  strong  desire  to  reveal  it  to  somebody 
else.  But,  each  time  feeling  that  desire,  I  felt  at  the  same 
time  some  kind  of  fear  and  shudder,  lest  the  revealing  of  my 
vision  will  be  taken  and  explained  in  such  a  way  as  to  pro 
duce  far  more  harm  than  good  for  the  religion  of  Christ  and 


WHY    VISIONS    NOT    REVEALED  107 

the  cause  of  the  world's  Redeemer.  Hence,  every  time  I  sup 
pressed  my  desire  in  the  hope  to  meet,  some  time  in  the  fu 
ture,  a  person  with  sufficiently  deep  belief  in  the  Scriptures 
and  profound  faith  in  the  Saviour  as  to  warrant  the  confidence 
of  receiving  this  secret,  and  this  is  the  answer  and  explana 
tion  of  that  question,  propounded  in  the  "Introduction"  to 
these  Depositions,  viz.:  Why  these  "Visions"  were  not  given 
to  the  world  by  the  writer  of  this  during  his  life  on  earth,  but 
only  after  he  has  passed  away  from  here  ?  Now,  if  the  desire 
was  but  too  great  before,  it  became  incomparably  greater  and 
stronger  after  my  experienced  regeneration — my  baptism  by 
the  Holy  Spirit  and  new  birth — which  came  to  pass  in  1876, 
and  was  fully  described  above.  And  it  demanded  from  me  al 
most  superhuman  force  and  power  of  will  not  to  betray  any 
thing  of  these  secrets  during  my  discussions  and  conversa 
tions  with  the  Bishop  about  the  Scriptures  and  the  work  of 
our  Saviour.  So  the  more  closely  I  became  acquainted  with 
Bishop  Nestor  (his  name),  and  the  more  I  discerned  his  con 
scientious  belief  in  the  Scriptures  and  faith  in  our  Saviour, 
the  more  I  began  to  think  that  he  was  the  proper  person  to 
whom  I  could  reveal  and  confide  my  "Visions"  and  experi 
ence  of  regeneration,  which  events,  in  the  natural  way  and 
order,  reveal  and  prove  the  sublime  truth  of  the  words  of  our 
Saviour  recorded  in  the  Gospels.  And,  therefore,  I  began  seri 
ously  to  think  about  how  and  at  what  time  would  be  the 
most  proper  and  expedient  occasion  to  reveal  all  to  him.  Con 
stantly  contemplating  about  that,  I  came  to  the  conclusion 
that  the  proper  time  for  it  would  be  at  a  regular  confession,  as 
the  Greek-Russian  Catholic  Church  has  ear-confession  just  as 
the  Roman  Catholic  Church  has;  and,  according  to  the  church 
laws  and  ordinances,  every  member  of  the  church  has  to  con 
fess  his  sins  and  receive  the  Holy  Sacrament  of  Eucharisty  at 
least  once  in  a  year,  if  not  oftener.  And  I  resolved  to  ask 
Bishop  Nestor  to  be  my  confessor,  saying  to  him  in  advance 


108  WILL    REVEAL   TO    THE    BISHOP 

that  I  have  to  reveal  some  events  which,  in  no  ways,  can  I 
confide  to  any  other  clergyman,  and  that  is  the  cause  and  rea 
son  that  I  take  the  liberty  to  ask  him  to  be  my  confessor; 
thinking  that  the  revealing  of  the  above  described  events  at 
such  a  solemn  time,  so  to  say,  before  the  face  of  the  Creator 
and  Saviour  himself,  would  be  the  least  likely  to  be  taken  as 
a  fiction,  or  even  a  cunning  device  to  promote  one's  own  per 
sonal  aims  and  ends.  And  at  the  same  time  I  could  ask  from 
him  a  more  solemn  and  honest  promise  not  to  reveal  it  to  any 
body  else,  except  for  the  benefit  and  furtherance  of  the  relig 
ion  of  Christ  and  his  teachings;  and  even  then,  without  men 
tioning  my  name  in  connection  with  it.  Now,  I  must  confess 
here,  also,  that  I  had  not  been  to  confession  for  nearly  forty 
years,  as  I  did  not,  and  do  not  now,  believe  that  a  priest  has 
the  power  to  forgive  sins.  This  power  belongs  only  to  the  Su 
preme  Power  or  Deity,  and  can  be  specially  communicated  to 
any  mortal  who  will  prove  himself  worthy  of  possessing  such 
power;  but  not  every  one  who  has  graduated  from  any  human 
institution  and  become  capable  to  be  a  religious  teacher  to  oth 
ers  can  be  a  recipient  of  such  power,  conferred  upon  him  by 
other  mortals  like  himself.  This  is  too  much  for  me.  And 
this  circumstance  I  intended  to  use,  also,  as  a  reason  for  troub 
ling  him  to  be  my  confessor. 

So  passed  the  time  in  our  work  and  conversation  and  dis 
cussion  till  the  Lenten  fast  came  in  the  year  1880,  at  which 
time,  at  least  once  in  a  year,  every  one  has  to  perform  the  work 
of  repentance  by  attending  the  church  services  twice  in  a  day 
for  a  whole  week;  or,  at  least  for  three  days.  Then  to  go  to 
confession,  and  the  next  morning  to  partake  the  sacrament  of 
the  Holy  Supper.  This  obligation  Bishop  Nestor  always  per 
formed  with  great  solemnity  and  on  the  first  week  of  the  Lent- 
And  this  he  performed  in  the  first  lenten  week  in  1880  as  usu 
al.  That  Lord's  day,  after  the  mass,  as  usual  coming  forth  to 
meet  and  converse  with  him,  I  congratulated  him  with  the 


VISITS    THE    BISHOP  109 

partaking  of  the  Holy  Sacrament,  and  after  a  few  words  he  in 
vited  me  to  come  with  him  to  his  house  for  dinner;  and  if 
there  was  nothing  to  prevent  me  he  would  be  pleased  to  have 
me  go  with  him  in  his  carriage.  Accepting  his  invitation,  I 
went  with  him  to  his  house  on  Taylor  street.  During  the  din 
ner  he  informed  me  that  he  intended  soon  to  go  to  Alaska  and 
the  Aleutian  Islands  for  the  inspection  of  the  churches  there, 
and  would  be  absent  for  two  or  probably  for  three  months.  On 
my  inquiry  how  soon  he  will  go,  he  said  that  he  is  not  sure 
yet,  but  probably  the  next  week  or  the  week  after  the  next. 
This  communication  affected  me  very  much,  as  it  crossed  my 
intention  of  revealing  my  secrets  described  above;  inasmuch 
as  in  the  course  of  the  several  months  of  his  absence  anything 
can  happen  with  me  or  even  with  him;  and  even  so  far  that 
he  will  not  return  at  all.  So  I  said  to  myself,  if  anything  has 
to  be  done  it  must  be  done  speedily. 

This  happened  on  the  Lord's  day  (Sunday),  and  on  the 
next  Tuesday  morning,  coming  to  him  for  work  as  usual,  dur 
ing  our  work  I  asked  him  if  he  had  fixed  for  sure  the  time  of 
his  departure  for  Alaska,  to  which  he  replied  that  he  had 
made  all  necessary  arrangements  for  going  the  next  week,  as 
the  steamer  leases  for  Alaska  on  that  week.  This  was  a  still 
greater  blow  for  me;  and  I  suppose  it  was  betrayed  by  my 
face,  as  he  several  times  looked  into  my  face  with  some  sym 
pathetic  wonder,  but  did  not  ask  the  reason  of  it.  Probably 
he  ascribed  the  depressed  expression  of  my  face  to  the  loss  of 
the  money  which  would  come  from  his  absence — money  which 
I  received  from  him  for  my  work  for  him;  but  the  real  cause 
was  very  different.  Having  finished  our  work  for  that  day,  I 
went  around  for  exercise  as  usual,  at  the  same  time  contem 
plating  seriously  and  deeply- how  to  arrange  it  better  for  him 
and  for  me.  Doing  so,  I  arrived  at  the  positive  conclusion 
that  it  would  be  the  best  thing  to  tell  him  my  intention  of  ask 
ing  him  to  be  my  confessor  before  his  going  away,  at  my  first 


110  PRAYING   FOR    MORE    LIGHT 

or  next  visit  to  his  house,  which  would  have  to  come  on  the 
next  Thursday.  And,  for  that  purpose,  I  had  to  call  to  mem 
ory  all  the  circumstances  of  the  respective  events  more  cor 
rectly  and  definitely,  in  order  not  to  admit  any  doubt  or  sus 
picion  of  my  revelations  as  being  fictitious,  or  as  being  put  up 
and  invented  for  some  personal  aims  and  ends. 

So  that  very  evening,  coming  home  after  my  usual  even 
ing's  walk,  I  performed  my  evening  prayers  as  usual,  and  went 
to  bed  about  10  o'clock.  I  lived  to  that  time  at  210  O'Farrell 
street,  renting  a  small  furnished  room  on  the  first  floor,  and 
with  but  one  window,  from  Mrs.  Graham.  It  was  a  front  room, 
and  the  window  looked  upon  0  Farrell  street,  and  beneath  the 
room  was  a  low  cellar,  where  they  kept  some  wood  for  the 
kitchen  stove.  Behind,  or  in  the  rear  of  my  room,  was  the 
sleeping-chamber  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Graham,  divided  from  my 
room  by  a  thin  partition,  and  the  partition  so  light  that  when 
they  were  talking  in  that  room  in  a  usual  way  it  could  be  dis 
tinctly  heard  in  my  room.  My  bed  was  standing  with  the 
head-board  against  that  partition,  and  with  the  side  on  the  out 
side  wall.  In  that  corner,  and  just  above  the  bed's  head-board, 
were  hanging  several  likenesses  of  the  Saviour  and  the  Virgin  ^ 
and  also  a  crucifix,  some  of  them  on  the  partition  and  the 
others  on  the  outside  wall,  the  same  which  I  have  till  the  pres 
ent  day.  Now,  when  I  went  to  bed,  lying  upon  my  back,  I  be 
gan  to  think,  and  made  some  strenuous  exertions  to  recall  to 
my  memory  more  connected  circumstances  which  happened  in 
connection  with  the  visions,  in  order  to  explain  and  describe 
them  more  clearly  at  confession,  resolving  to  speak  about  my 
desire  to  have  him  to  be  my  confessor  at  the  next  time  I  will 
be  in  the  house  of  Bishop  Nestor,  and,  at  the  same  time,  pray 
ing  mentally  for  more  light  and  guidance  from  above  how  to 
arrange  the  whole  affair  better  and  smoother.  Then  I  heard 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Graham  coming  into  their  sleeping-room,  and 
heard  them  conversing  for  awhile;  then  they  ceased  to  talk 


RECALLS    VISIONS   IN    BED  111 

and  all  became  still  and  quiet.     So,  continuing  to  think  and 
recall  to  my  memory  all  the  particulars  of  the  previously  de 
scribed  visions  and  experiences,  I  gradually  began  to  formu 
late  in  my  mind  how  to  describe  them  more,  and  better  con 
nected,  to  the  Bishop  at  the  confession.     Then,  all  at  once,  I 
heard  a  pretty  sharp  and  heavy  knock  from  beneath,  as  if  it 
were  an  earthquake  shock,  and  so  strong  and  heavy  that  the 
partition  behind  the  bed's  head-board  and  the  outside  wall  on 
my  left  side  were  distinctly  trembling,  causing  the  pictures 
and  the  crucifix,  hanging  in  the  corner  above  my  head,  to  rat 
tle,  all  of  which  I  heard  distinctly.     And  more  than  that;  in 
the  very  moment  when  I  heard  the  shock  from  beneath,  I  felt 
distinctly  also  that  my  mattress  was  a  little  lifted  up  under 
me  as  if  by  a  sudden  and  a  very  powerful  pressure  of  air  from 
beneath,     causing    the    mattress     suddenly    to    be    a    little 
lifted     up      and     make     a     distinct     pressure     upon     my 
back,  as  I  was  lying  flat  on  my  back,  with  the  face  towards 
the  window.     Waiting  a  few  seconds  for  a  possible  repetition 
of  the  same,  or  any  sound  or  noise  from  outside,  and,  not  hear 
ing  anything,  I  got  up  from  my  bed  and  went  to  the  window; 
and,  drawing  the  window-shade  aside,  I  looked  on  the  street 
in  every  direction  as  far  as  I  could,  but  no  living  being  was  to 
be  seen  on  the  street,  and  no  commotion  or  disturbance  what 
ever.     Remaining  for  a  few  seconds  sitting  at  the  window,  and 
not  perceiving  any  life  or  motion  on  the  street,  I  returned  to  my 
bed;  and  a  few  minutes  after  this  I  heard  again  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Graham  talking  one  to  another,  which  gave  me  the  proof  that 
they  were  not  asleep  when  I  heard  the  shock;  so  I  decided  to 
ask  them  the  next  day  if  they  heard  that  shock,  and  what  they 
could  make  out  of  it. 

This  event  scattered  my  thought  so  completely  that  after 
it  I  could  not  collect  my  mind  upon  the  subject  I  was  think 
ing  about  before  it ;  so,  soon  after  that,  I  fell  asleep,  and  did 
not  hear  anything  more.  On  the  next  morning,  meeting  Mrs. 


112          AN  EARTHQUAKE  SHOCK  APPARENTLY 

Graham  in  the  hall,  I  asked  her  if  they  had  heard  the  earth 
quake  shock  after  they  were  in  their  sleeping-room,  as  I  knew 
they  were  not  asleep  at  that  time,  hecause  I  heard  them  con 
versing  before  and  after  the  shock.  She  answered  that  they 
did  not  hear  any  disturbance  at  all,  and  that,  probably,  I  was 
asleep  and  dreamed  it.  But,  being  perfectly  sure  that  I  was 
fully  awake  and  in  full  consciousness,  and  was  thinking  and 
arranging  in  my  mind  how  better  to  reveal  my  visions  and  ex 
periences  at  confession,  it  was  to  me  but  too  strange  and  in 
comprehensible  how  it  possibly  could  be.  and  what  it  meant, 
and  how  to  understand  this  event.  So,  going  out  that  morn 
ing  as  usual  for  my  daily  exercise,  I  began  seriously  to  think 
and  contemplate  about  the  affair;  and  the  more  I  contem 
plated  about  it,  the  more  I  could  see  that  it  was  no  ordinary 
earthquake  shock,  as  such  a  shock  could  not  produce  a  pressure 
of  air  from  beneath  through  the  floor;  and  such  a  pressure  I 
felt  distinctly  upon  by  body,  as  if  the  mattress  under  me  was 
somewhat  lifted  up  by  a  powerful  air  action  from  beneath* 
Turning  all  this  over  and  over  in  my  mind,  I  came  to  the 
conclusion  that  it  must  contain  some  special  sign  for  me,  as 
two  persons  in  such  close  proximity  to  me  did  not  hear  any 
thing  of  it,  although  the  knock  was  so  powerful  that  the  out 
side  wall  and  the  inside  partition  were  shaken  by  that  knock 
to  such  a  degree  that  the  pictures  which  were  hanging  above 
my  head  had  rattled.  All  this  I  heard  distinctly.  Now,  as  at 
that  time,  I  was  contemplating  about  the  confession,  and  ex 
erted  myself  to  some  degree  to  remember  more  clearly  all  the 
circumstances  pertaining  and  connected  with  the  ''visions"  I 
have  had,  and  this  for  the  purpose  of  revealing  them  to  Bish 
op  Nestor,  when  that  shock  startled  me  and  scattered  all  my 
thoughts  so  far  that  I  was  utterly  unable  to  collect  them  again 
for  further  meditation,  it  appeared  to  me  that  this  shock  was 
nothing  less  than  a  warning  for  me  not  to  reveal  my  secrets, 
as  possibly  it  may  prove  in  the  further,  injury  to  the  "religion 


WROTE    VISIONS    IN    RUSSIAN  113 

of  Christ"  and  the  belief  and  faith  in  him.  In  this  idea  I  was 
soon  fully  convinced,  and  so  far  as  to  be  nearly  sure  that  it 
was  so.  Hence,  I  sternly  resolved  not  to  reveal  my  secrets 
and  not  to  go  to  confession.  And  so,  the  next  time  coming  to 
Bishop  Nestor,  I  did  not  let  anything  out  about  my  intention ; 
neither  said  to  him  or  to  anybody  else  anything  about  these 
circumstances. 

So  Bishop  Nestor  went  to  Alaska,  and  I  had  again  the 
whole  time  for  my  reading  the  Bible  and  meditation  about 
the  gospel  teachings  of  our  Saviour;  as  also  for  meditation 
about  my  "Visions''  and  "experiences."  But  my  conscience 
was,  very  often,  somewhat  disturbed  by  the  thought  that,  as  I 
resolved  positively  and  finally  not  to  reveal  the  " Visions"  and 
my  "experiences"  to  anybody,  and,  therefore,  dropped  the 
wish  to  find  a  mortal  to  whom  I  could  safely  confide  them,  it 
seemed  to  me  wrong  to  carry  these  "secrets"  with  me,  and 
bury  them  in  the  earth  with  my  body  without  giving  them  to 
the  world,  so  that  no  one  of  my  fellow-beings  might  be  benefit 
ed  by  them,  and  strengthened  more  in  the  belief  in  the  Script 
ures  and  in  the  teachings  and  faith  of  our  Saviour. 

Thinking  often  about  all  these,  I  at  last  resolved  to  write 
them  down  on  paper  in  the  Russian  language;  and  having  se 
curely  sealed  it  up  in  an  envelope,  to  give  the  package  for  safe 
keeping  to  Bishop  Nestor,  asking  him  for  the  favor  to  pre 
serve  it  without  opening  till  my  death.  And  after  my  death? 
also  without  opening  it  himself,  to  forward  it  to  the  Holy  Syn 
od  of  St.  Petersburg,  Russia,  accompanied  by  a  writing  from 
himself  with  the  explanation  from  whom  it  is  and  what  it 
contains;  being  in  hope  that  Bishop  Nestor  will  do  all  this 
as  I  desire,  if  I  will  entrust  it  to  him  as  my  last  wish  and 
testament.  So,  fixing  this  idea  in  my  mind,  I  began  to  write 
down  everything  I  saw,  heard,  experienced,  etc.,  and  after 
wards  arranged  it  properly,  writing  it  over  as  well  as  I  could; 
and  that  in  the  Russian  language,  and  kept  it  securely  till 
the  return  of  Bishop  Nestor  from  Alaska. 


114  WRITING   KEPT    FROM    THE    BISHOP 

This,  then,  was  the  principal  cause  why  this  was  not  re 
vealed  by  the  writer  during  his  life  on  earth,  and  which  was 
but  for  the  strengthening  of  the  opinion  entertained  by  him 
heretofore. 

After  a  few  months'  absence  Bishop  Nestor  returned  to 
San  Francisco,  and  I  resumed  my  work  with  him  again,  but 
did  not  tell  him  anything  about  my  writings,  waiting  for 
some  more  developments  that  would  give  me  more  assurance 
and  security  for  intrusting  to  his  care  and  safe-keeping  my 
written  "ante-mortem  confession,"  as  I  named  those  writings 
in  Russian.  But  in  a  short  time  after  the  Bishop's  return, 
there  came  grave  quarrels  and  altercations  among  the  clergy 
of  the  church  in  San  Francisco  who  were  under  his  immedi 
ate  control  and  supervision,  with  very  grave  charges  and  ac 
cusations  against  some  of  them.  This,  Bishop  Nestor,  as  the 
superior  authority  over  the  church  personally,  had  to  decide, 
and  adjust  everything  in  conformity  with  the  laws  and  impar 
tial  justice.  But  he  proved  himself  to  be  inadequate  for  the 
occasion,  as  his  extreme  goodness  and  love  of  peace  and  friendly 
relations  towards  every  one  and  all  made  him  almost  childish 
weak ;  so  much  it  was  so  that  he  was  utterly  unable  to  reproach 
or  reprimand  even  the  deacon,  far  less  a  priest,  for  any  unbe 
coming  action  or  words.  And  this  weakness  of  the  Bishop 
served  but  as  an  encouragement  to  the  refractory  clericals  to 
do  more  mischief.  Seeing  all  that,  and  often  giving  him  ad 
vice  how  to  settle  the  difficulty  so  as  to  be  neither  against  the 
laws  of  man  nor  derogatory  to  justice  and  the  laws  of  God,  I 
always  received  the  reply  that  he  "cannot  do  that" ;  lie  is  "un 
able  to  tell  any  man  to  the  face  that  his  actions  are  wrong." 
Now,  seeing  in  Bishop  Nestor  such  weakness  of  character  and 
inability  to  act  in  conformity  with  his  rank,  and  title,  and 
position  of  authority,  etc.,  I  began  to  perceive  that  he  was  not  a 
proper  person  to  whom  I  could  intrust  my  "Depositions." 
Moreover,  as  many  a  time  I  had  the  papers  in  my  pocket,  be- 


CEASED    ATTENDING    THE    CHURCH  115 

ing  in  his  house,  and  only  waited  for  a  good  chance  to  speak 
and  deliver  them  to  him,  but  every  time  there  came  some 
thing  or  other  that  diverted  my  intention  from  doing  so,  I 
concluded  that  it  is  against  the  will  of  my  Saviour  to  leave 
the  "Depositions"  in  the  hands  of  Bishop  Nestor;  and  it  sub 
sequently  proved  to  be  so.  Two  years  after  that  time  he  went 
to  Alaska  and  the  Aleutian  Islands  for  the  inspection  of  the 
churches,  as  usual,  but  never  came  back  to  San  Francisco,  as 
he  drowned  himself  ten  miles  off  the  island  of  St.  Paul,  in  the 
Aleutian  Archipelago,  during  his  return  voyage.  And  as  all 
his  effects  and  books  were  subsequently  sold  at  auction,  there 
is  no  telling  what  would  have  become  of  my  writings,  if  they 
had  been  intrusted  to  him.  A  few  months  afterwards,  becom 
ing  worse  in  my  health  again,  and  having  to  witness  much 
quarreling  and  animosity  between  the  clergy  and  others,  I 
gave  up  my  work  as  his  helper,  and  he  ceased  to  deliver  ser 
mons  in  English,  but  requested  the  priests  to  deliver  sermons 
in  Russian.  So  the  "ante-mortem  confession, ".written  in  the 
Russian  language,  remained  with  me ;  but  as  they  were  written 
very  short,  only  the  principal  events  and  circumstances  con 
nected  with  the  "Visions,"  as  also  the  "Visions"  themselves, 
having  now  written  the  present  "Depositions"  in  English,  and 
as  complete  as  I  could,  the  writing  in  the  Russian  becomes 
nearly  useless ;  nevertheless  I  will  preserve  it  for  any  emer 
gency. 

Now,  when  I  left  Bishop  Nestor  (to  say,  by  the  way,  to 
his  utter  chagrin  and  discomfiture)  I  ceased  to  go  into  the 
church  also,  and  for  two  reasons :  Firstly,  not  to  see  poor  Bish 
op  Nestor,  whom  I  loved  and  respected  ever  so  much ;  and  sec 
ondly,  not  to  come  into  contact  with  those  persons  that  pro 
duced  all  the  quarrels  and  disturbances  in  the  church.  And 
since  that  time  I  was  never  one  single  time  in  the  church.  But 
this  fact  does  not  disturb  the  peace  of  my  conscience  in  the 
least  degree,  as  I  told  the  Bishop  at  the  time  of  my  leaving 


116  REASONS    FOR    HEART-SORENESS 

him  that  I  preferred  to  follow  the  teachings  and  to  obey  the 
commandments  of  my  Saviour  far  more  than  to  obey  the  laws 
of  man  and  church  ordinances  (in  conformity  with  the  words 
of  the  Apostles  Peter  and  John,  in  Acts  of  Apostles  iv:  19); 
so  I  will  pray  at  home,  as  I  did  before  I  found  the  church » 
which  duty  I  conscientiously  performed,  and  do  continue  to 
perform  till  the  present  day.  So  I  severed  my  connection 
with  the  church,  and  bep;an  to  live  again  just  as  I  did  for  so 
many  years  before.  And  since  that  time  nothing  particular 
has  happened  to  me,  and  no  particular  experience  in  my  phys 
ical  or  mental  condition  ensued,  except  that  in  many  and  in 
very  different  ways  have  I  had  the  inexpressible  blessing  to 
perceive  clearly  and  vividly  that  my  prayers  and  petitions  are 
heard,  and  almost  without  exception  are  answered  to  my  full 
satisfaction  and  desire.  Also,  that  constantly  more  and  more 
I  experience  the  increase  of  inner  peace  and  good- will  and 
wish  towards  all  my  fellow-beings;  and  only  the  following 
three  causes  disturb  my  inner  equanimity,  and  produce  a  good 
deal  of  pain  and  heart-soreness,  namely:  First,  to  see  so  much 
injustice  and  wrong  perpetrated  by  men  upon  one  another; 
second,  to  see  so  many  crippled  and  blind  begging  for  means 
to  support  their  physical  life,  as  they  are  unable  to  procure  it 
by  the  work  of  their  own  arms  and  muscles;  third,  to  see 
clearly  and  plainly  that  the  teachings  of  the  Christian  religion 
are  performed  incorrectly,  and  not  so  at  all  as  it  ought  to  be 
done.  The  Christian  religion  is  the  religion  of  Christ,  and  the 
religion  of  Christ  is  contained  in  the  words,  the  teachings 
and  commandments  of  Christ  himself.  That  is,  in  the  princi 
ples  and  doctrines  recorded  in  the  Gospels  as  the  own  words 
of  our  Saviour.  From  these  words  principally  should  be  the 
whole  teaching  of  the  Christian  religion,  and  not  from  the  Old 
Testament,  as  that  Testament  belongs  to  the  Mosaic  Dispensa 
tion,  which  was  superseded  by  the  Gospel  Dispensation  of 
Christ,  but  was  revived  under  the  auspices  of  Protestantism , 


HEBREWS    MORE    MORAL   THAN    CHRISTIANS  117 

and  is  constantly  pushed  further  and  ahead  to  the  injury  of 
the  religion  of  Christ.  This  is  positively  wrong,  as  these  two 
systems  of  religion  in  nowise  can  go  hand-in-hand  together 
because  they  are  positively  different.  The  aim  and  end  of  ev 
ery  religion  in  the  world  is  solely  for  the  purpose  of  improv 
ing  the  life  and  actions  of  man  to  such  a  degree  that  he  should 
come  to  such  a  state  of  mind  as  to  live  and  act  in  perfect  con 
formity  with  the  will  and  law  of  his  Creator.  For  that  end 
were  the  laws  and  ordinances  of  the  many  and  different  relig 
ions  given  by  the  Universal  Creator  of  all.  As  no  man  can 
deny — even  the  rabbis  of  the  Mosaic  religion  admitting  freely 
— that  the  teachings  and  commandments  of  our  Saviour  stand 
incomparably  higher  than  the  teachings  of  Moses.  It  is  evi 
dent  that  teaching  the  Christian  religion  from  the  old  Testa 
ment  of  the  Mosaic  Dispensation  is  nothing  less  than  a  pre 
vention  of  the  establishment  of  Christ's  religion  on  earth.  It 
is  just  the  same  in  result  as  it  would  be  if  the  universities — 
for  making  astronomers — would  teach  only  the  pure  mathe 
matics,  and  astronomy  proper,  would  give  only  in  general 
terms  and  principles.  The  world  would  then  have  just  as 
good  astronomers  as  it  has  now  "good  Christians." 

The  proof  to  this  is  not  hard  to  find.  As  religion  must 
and  does  elevate  the  standard  of  human  life,  this  no  one  can 
deny,  and  as  the  morals  of  the  religion  of  Christ  are  so  much 
and  incomparably  higher  and  purer  than  the  morals  of  the  re 
ligion  of  Moses,  as  found  in  the  Old  Testament  of  our  Bible 
this  no  one  can  deny  either:  so  it  is  self-evident  that  the  life 
of  the  professed  Christians,  and  even  "good  Christians"  at 
that,  ought  to  be  far  more  and  higher  in  morality  than  the  life 
and  morals  of  the  Hebrews  of  the  same  country  and  commun 
ity;  because  the  religion  professed  by  the  former  is  so  much 
higher  than  the  religion  of  the  latter.  But  is  it  so  in  fact  ? 
Every  one  who  is  acquainted  with  the  world's  doings  and  con 
ditions  will  answer,  No.  It  is  far  more  near  to  be  the  reverse. 


118  WHAT   DAY   TO   HONOR   THE   SAVIOUR 

We  need  only  to  look  around  ourselves  in  this  country.  Tak 
en  generally,  or  ab  a  class,  the  Hebrews  are  far  higher  in  mor 
als  than  the  professing  Christians;  and  to  the  superficial  ob 
server  the  only  difference  between  them  consists  in  the  simple 
fact  that  the  Hebrew  goes  to  worship  God — according  to  the 
laws  of  Moses,  whose  follower  he  is — on  the  seventh  day  of  the 
week  (his  Sabbath),  whereas  the  Christian  (professed  follower 
of  Christ)  goes  to  worship  his  Lord,  God,  and  Saviour  on  the 
first  day  of  the  week,  and  this  in  honor  and  memory  of  his 
Lord,  God,  and  Saviour  Jesus  Christ,  who  rose  from  death  on 
the  first  day  of  the  week,  and  who,  having  risen  from  death  on 
the  first  day  of  the  week,  appeared  to  his  followers  in  his  body 
alive,  and  thereby  established  and  proved  to  them  all  he 
claimed  to  be  when  living  among  them.  And  these  Christians 
worship  God  on  the  first  day  of  the  week  instead  of  the  seventh 
day  of  the  week  of  the  Mosaic  Dispensation ;  that  is,  on  the  res 
urrection  day  of  our  Lord,  God,  and  Saviour,  which  is  estab 
lished  strictly  in  obedience  to  his  command:  "For  the  Father 
judgeth  no  man,  but  hath  committed  all  judgment  unto  the 
Son."  "That  all  men  should  honor  the  Son,  even  as  they  hon 
or  the  Father.  He  that  honoreth  not  the  Son  honoreth  not 
the  Father  which  hath  sent  him."  (St.  John  v:  22,  23.) 
Now  the  Saviour  tells  us  here,  clearly  and  plainly,  that  he 
who  does  not  honor  the  Son  does  not  honor  "the  Father  which 
sent  him,"  and  why  ?  Because  the  "Father"  and  the  "Son" 
constitute  one  Divine  Person,  as  I  have  seen  in  the  most  sub 
lime  vision  in  the  hospital  at  Fort  Trumbull;  and  it  was  told 
into  my  ear  from  above,  that  the  human  form  I  saw  in  the 
midst  of  the  clouds  was  the  "God-Father"  and  "God- Son." 
So  I  know  it  positively  to  be  so,  and  know  it  not  from  human 
teachings,  but  from  the  revealing  of  the  Saviour  himself;  and 
this  was  revealed  to  me  in  perfect  accordance  to  and  with  his 
words:  "I  and  my  Father  are  one."  "Who  sees  me,  sees  my 
Father  also." 


THE    FIRST    DAY    OF    THE    WEEK  119 

Now,  as  from  the  words  of  our  Saviour,  it  is  evident  that 
man  cannot  honor  the  Father  (Jehovah)  without  honoring  the 
Son  (Saviour) ;  therefore,  to  be  able  to  honor  the  Father,  whom 
man  has  not  seen,  man  must  honor  the  Son  whom  man  has 
seen.  Now,  on  what  day  of  the  week  is  the  most  proper  time 
to  honor  the  Saviour  in  public  worship  and  thanksgiving  ? 
Most  surely,  not  on  the  seventh  day  of  the  week  (the  Sabbath 
of  the  Decalogue).  On  that  day  he  was  dead,  and  lying  bur 
ied  in  the  sepulchre.  On  that  day  he  was  dead  physically,  as 
any  mortal  can  be  dead;  and  so,  not  only  for  all  unbelievers 
in  him,  but  was  even  so  to  all  his  nearest  followers,  the  disci 
ples  and  the  apostles.  And  so  much  it  was  so  that  even  the 
foremost  of  the  apostles,  as  Peter  and  John,  were  reluctant  to 
believe  the  words  of  the  holy  women,  who  announced  that  they 
had  seen  him  in  his  body  alive.  This  day  of  the  week  is  the 
most  improper  among  all  days  to  observe  in  worship  for  his 
honor;  and  without  honoring  him,  as  he  tells  us  himself,  we 
cannot  honor  his  Father  who  "sent  him"  to  the  world.  But 
the  above  quoted  words  of  his  (St.  John  v:  23),  being  taken  in 
reverse,  will  read  thus,  "Who  honoreth  the  Son  at  the  same 
time  honoreth  the  Father,"  because  "I  and  my  Father  are 
one."  So  the  seventh  day  of  the  week  (the  Sabbath  of  the 
Decalogue)  drops  out  of  the  question,  as  the  believer  and  fol 
lower  of  Christ  cannot  honor  Christ  on  the  day  when  he  was 
physically  dead  to  the  whole  world,  and  without  honoring  the 
Son  (Christ)  the  follower  and  believer  in  him  and  his  Word 
cannot  honor  his  Father  (Jehovah).  Thus  the  apostles  and 
all  other  followers  of  Christ,  and  believers  in  his  gospel  teach 
ings  and  commandments,  after  the  descent  of  the  Holy  Ghost 
on  the  day  of  Pentecost,  began  to  assemble  together  as  often  as 
it  was  possible,  for  breaking  bread  in  commemoration  of  the 
Last  Supper.  And  when  the  community  of  believers  began  to 
enlarge  very  fast,  they  began  to  assemble  for  the  breaking  of 
bread  (and  this  in  obedience  to  his  command  or  injunction- 


120  SEVENTH    DAY    SABBATH    ADVENTISTS 

"This  do  in  remembrance  of  me"  (Luke  xxii:  19)  on  the  first 
day  of  the  week,  as  the  one  day  of  the  week  the  most  fitting 
and  proper  for  keeping  holy  by  public  worship  in  his  honor, 
and  for  the  remembrance  of  him.  As  on  that  day  he  rose 
from  death,  and  appearing  to  his  believers  and  followers  in  his 
physical  body  alive,  and  dispersing  all  doubt  in  them,  estab 
lished  in  their  minds  and  consciences  as  a  heavenly  truth  all 
that  which  he  claimed  to  be,  as  also  all  that  which  he  taught 
them  living  among  them;  so  much  so  that  they,  unhesitating 
ly,  accepted  him  as  the  Lord  and  God  of  heaven  and  earth. 
"All  power  is  given  me  in  heaven  and  in  earth.''  (Matt. 
xxviii:18.)  "My  Lord  and  my  God."  (John  xx:  28.)  But 
notwithstanding  all  these  teachings  and  testimonies  of  men} 
endued  with  the  Holy  Spirit  of  truth  from  on  high,  and 
which  testimonies  were  given  by  them  for  the  whole  human 
race  on  earth,  even  this  last  distinction  between  Hebrew  and 
Christian,  as  to  the  day  of  the  week  set  apart  for  public  wor 
ship  and  honor  of  God,  is  being  strenuously  worked  upon  to 
be  extinguished  and  obliterated,  and  this  by  men  who,  by  the 
wnole  might  of  their  voice,  proclaim  themselves  to  be  the  best 
teachers  of  the  religion  of  Christ. 

There  is  a  pseudo-Christian  sect  that  exists  under  the 
name  of  "Seventh  day  Sabbath  Adventists."  The  leaders  and 
teachers  of  that  "sect"  exert  their  utmost  power  of  speech  and 
pen  to  establish  the  seventh  day  of  the  week  as  a  day  of  rest 
(Sabbath)  and  of  public  worship,  as  it  was  established  by 
Moses  in  the  Mosaic  Dispensation  of  the  Old  Testament  of  our 
Bible,  and  which  day  is  strictly  observed  by  all  believing  He 
brews  till  the  present  day;  because  they  reject  the  Messiahship 
of  our  Saviour,  and  therefore  remain  in  the  Mosaic  Dispensa 
tion  as  followers  of  Moses  in  adhering  to  his  institutions.  The 
observances  of  the  seventh  day  Sabbath,  the  Adventist  leaders 
urge  upon  the  people  under  the  pretense  that  it  was  command 
ed  by  God  himself,  and  inscribed  upon  the  tables  of  stone  as 


TEACHINGS  OF  OUR  SAVIOUR  121 

the  fourth  commandment  of  the  Decalogue.  But  they  do  not 
see,  or  pretend  not  to  see,  or  refuse  to  see,  that  the  will  and 
law  of  God  (Jehovah),  for  all  those  that  accepted  Jesus  of  Naz 
areth  as  the  true  Messiah  and  their  Saviour,  is  not  in  the  Old 
Testament  of  our  Bible,  but  in  the  Four  Gospels  and  partially 
in  the  Acts  of  the  Apostles  in  the  New  Testament,  which  con 
stitutes  the  religion  of  Christ,  and  to  which  religion  Chris 
tians,  by  their  very  name,  profess  to  belong.  To  state  it  more 
plainly  for  all  to  be  understood,  the  will  and  law  of  God  for 
all  those  who  profess  to  be  Christian  believers  in  and  follow 
ers  of  Christ  and  his  teachings  and  commandments,  is  ex 
pressed  in  the  following  words  made  known  upon  the  Mount 
of  Transfiguration,  viz.,  "This  is  my  beloved  Son  in  whom  I 
am  well  pleased;  hear  ye  him."  (Matt,  xvii:  5;  Mark  ix:  7; 
Luke  ix:35.)  Now,  as  these  last  words,  "hear  ye  him,"  can 
not  mean  anything  else  than,  Obey  ye  him,  or,  Do  what  he 
teaches  and  commands  you  to  do,  hence  the  whole  law  and 
will  of  our  Heavenly  Father  is  contained  in  the  teachings  and 
commandments  of  our  Saviour,  and  his  teachings  and  com 
mandments  are  in  the  New  Testament  of  our  Bible  and  not  in 
the  Old  Testament.  Besides  this,  the  Saviour  says  himself: 
"My  doctrine  is  not  mine,  but  his  that  sent  me.  If  any  man 
will  do  his  will  he  shall  know  of  the  doctrine,  whether  it  be 
of  God  or  whether  I  speak  of  myself."  And,  "For  I  have  not 
spoken  of  myself  but  the  Father  which  sent  me;  he  gave  me  a 
commandment  what  I  should  say  and  what  I  should  speak." 
(St.  John  ,vii:  16,  17;  xii:  44,  48,  49.)  There  are  far  more 
words  of  our  Saviour  that  prove  the  correctness  of  the  asser 
tion  that  the  gospel  teachings  and  commandments  contain  the 
whole  law  and  will  of  God  for  Christians;  and  no  religious 
teacher  can  deny  that,  or  prove  himself  to  be  correct,  if  he  ever 
will  deny  this. 

The  Adventists  claim  that  their  conscience  compels  them 
to  observe  the  seventh  day  of  the  week  as  a  day  of  rest,  or 


122  HORRIBLE    BLASPHEMY 

Sabbath,  because  that  observance  was  commanded  by  God. 
But  nowadays  every  intelligent  person  knows  full  well  that 
human  conscience  is  very  elastic;  it  can  be  made  to  believe 
and  adhere  to  any  absurdity,  even  to  a  criminal  intercourse. 
This  is  amply  and  fully  seen  by  the  "modern  abomination"  of 
the  Mormons  of  Utah  fame,  which  sect  flourishes  under  the 
name  of  "  Reorganized  Church  of  Christ  of  the  Latter-day 
Saints";  and  mark  here,  "Christ's  Church  Saints0  (?)  Is  it 
not  the  most  horrible  blasphemy  upon  the  name  of  the  Bless 
ed  Saviour  of  mankind  ?  Every  sensible,  honest,  and  pure  fe 
male  shrinks  with  abhorrence  from  the  idea  to  have  a  husband 
that  is  a  husband  of  many  other  wives  besides  her.  But 
among  the  Mormon  females  can  be  found  many,  and  very 
many  are  found,  who  are  doing  any  and  every  sinful,  or  even 
criminal,  acts  to  sustain  and  preserve  their  foul  institutions- 
And  why  ?  Because  it  is  constantly  and  uninterruptedly 
hammered  into  their  heads  by  their  religious  (?)  teachers  that 
their  institution  of  polygamy  is  according  to  the  will  and  law 
of  God,  and  insures  the  salvation  of  the  soul  and  eternal  life. 
(As  their  Doctrine  and  Covenant,  page  464,  says:  "Behold,  I 
reveal  unto  you  a  new  and  an  everlasting  covenant,  and  if  ye 
abide  not  in  that  covenant  [polygamy]  then  are  ye  damned ; 
for  no  one  can  reject  this  covenant  and  be  permitted  to  enter 
into  my  [celestial]  glory.")  Now,  can  such  a  law  (?)  be  found 
in  any  other,  even  so-called  pagan,  religions  of  the  world  ? 
The  Mohammedans  have  polygamy,  but  it  is  only  permitted  by 
the  Koran,  and  not  commanded  to  adhere  and  abide  in  it;  but 
here  it  is  positively  commanded,  under  the  penalty  of  being 
"damned"  for  rejection  of  it.  And  this  the  "Mormon  leaders 
and  teachers,''  "elders,"  "apostles,"  and  "prophets"  (?)  claim 
as  rights  of  individual  conscience.  Just  the  same  plea  as  the 
"Adventists"  proclaim  as  the  right  of  conscience  to  introduce 
into  the  "Religion  of  Christ,"  and  establish  an  institution, 
which  is  Mosaic  and  not  Christian,  because  it  is  not  command- 


MORMONS    AND    ADVENTISTS    WRONG  123 

ed  by  Christ,  neither  enjoined  by  any  of  the  apostles,  and  is, 
therefore,  unchristian.  But  as  the  "Mormons,"  just  so  the 
"Adventists,"  say,  that  man  cannot  expect  to  inherit  eternal 
life  from  the  hands  of  Christ  if  he  does  not  observe  the  ''sev 
enth-day  Sabbath";  i.  e.,  in  order  to  receive  salvation  from 
Christ,  man  must  do  that  which  Christ  did  not  command  him 
to  do  and  observe.  And  so  it  is,  at  least  to  a  great  extent,  with 
all  "denominations"  of  the  Christian  religion.  All  teach,  more 
or  less,  only  to  believe  in  Christ,  and  to  do  that*  which  the 
pulpit- teacher  tells  them  to  do,  and  not  to  "''obey  and  observe 
all  things  whatsoever"  Christ  has  commanded,  notwithstand 
ing  such  teaching  is  in  positive  disobedience  to  our  Saviour's 
last  and  the  greatest  command,  viz.,  "Teaching  them  [all  ,na- 
tions,  all  people]  to  observe  all  things  whatsoever  I  have  com 
manded  you,"  etc.  (Matt,  xxviii:  20.) 

Seeing  and  knowing  all  this  from  the  religious  literature 
(being  a  constant  subscriber  and  close  reader  of  six  religious 
papers  of  different  Protestant  denominations  for  several  years), 
I  attempted  many  times  to  expose  these  errors  and  falsities, 
but  never  could  have  the  chance  to  do  that,  as  every  paper  re 
fused  to  publish  such  of  my  writings  as  exposed  too  much  of 
their  own  errors.  So  by  me  nothing  more  could  be  done  than 
to  write  as  much  as  I  possibly  will  be  able,  and  publish  it  in 
"pamphlet  form"  by  my  own  means,  if  I  will  be  able  to  save 
so  much  from  my  pension,  as  I  have  no  hope  whatever  to  be 
able  to  work  and  earn  some  money  besides  my  pension.  As  to 
the  present  time,  I  can  in  no  ways  write  more  than  two  hours 
a  day,  and  that  only  mornings.  But  it  is  very  hard  to  save 
much  from  a  pension  of  thirty  dollars  a  month. 

Now,  I  desired  to  tell  here  much  more  about  my  experi 
ences  in  life  of  "religion,"  but  it  is  too  voluminous  already- 
Hence  I  must  finish  these  "Depositions"  by  expressing  my 
last  wish  and  desire  that  these  "Depositions"  be  printed  in  a 
''book  form,"  and  distributed  among  my  fellow-men  for  their 


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